Its All About Jokes

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him ‘What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?‘

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, ‘A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.‘Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.Saint Peter said, ‘Well, that‘s fine, but it‘s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.‘

The Lawyer said, ‘Wait Wait! There‘s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.‘Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, ‘Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?‘

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter – ‘Give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell!‘

A lawyer‘s car stalled on the side of the freeway. As he was getting out to see what was the matter, a reckless driver swerved taking off the whole car door and knocking the lawyer to the ground. A passing police car pulled over.

As the policeman got out he heard the lawyer shouting, ‘my mercedes, my brand new mercedes!‘ As the policeman approached he was shocked to notice the lawyer‘s right arm missing.

‘Do you realize your arm is gone?‘ asked the policeman?

The lawyer, stunned, began to scream,
‘My rolex, my brand new rolex!‘

There was a loser who couldn‘t get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, ‘It‘s simple. I just say, I‘m a lawyer.‘

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said ‘No,‘ he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, ‘Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?‘
He said, ‘Why,… Yes I am!‘

So they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered,
‘Well, I‘ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I‘m already screwing someone!‘

How do you prevent a Lawyer from drowning?

Shoot him before he hits the water!

The US government is throwing away millions of unused stamps with
pictures of favorite lawyers on them.

The people that use them don’t know which side to spit on!

Having lawyers create laws is like have doctors create diseases!

Saint Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a little stroll. He noticed that the fence between heaven and hell was in need of some repair. So he hollers over the fence to Lucifer.

Saint Peter: ‘This fence needs some repair. I‘ll see to it that it gets fixed if you will help pay for it.‘

Lucifer: ‘If you want it fixed, you pay for it.‘

Saint Peter: ‘The fence is partly your responsibility and you will help pay for it or I will sue you for that amount.‘

Lucifer: ‘Ha!! And where do you think you are going to get a lawyer?!‘

The Pope died and went to heaven. When he got there, he found a lawyer in line in front of him at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter came over and told the Pope, ‘Just a minute, I‘ll be right back‘.
At that, Saint Peter took the lawyer away.

When Saint Peter came back, he told the Pope, ‘Follow me to your new quarters.‘ Along the way they passed many people in their heavenly abodes, and they happened to pass by the quarters of the lawyer who had preceded Saint Peter through the Pearly Gates. The Pope was awe-struck by the opulence and splendor of the lawyer‘s quarters. There were fine silks, rare foods and drinks, soft music, and attractive young women to serve him for eternity.

Saint Peter and the Pope finally arrived at the Pope‘s new quarters. The Pope looked in and saw a 6 foot by 9 foot room with bare walls, a plain bed and a Bible for entertainment. The Pope said, ‘I don‘t want to sound ungrateful, but I am wondering why the lawyer gets such a magnificent room and I get this small room.

Saint Peter said, ‘Well, you see, we have a great many popes here in heaven, but only ONE lawyer.‘

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?

A1: I don‘t know, there are some things even a blonde won‘t do.
A2: Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won‘t stop until it gets blood.

How was wire invented?

Two lawyers pulling on a penny.