Lawyer Jokes Collection
Defendant: Your Honor, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn‘t interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant‘s motion?
Public Defender: I‘m sorry, Your Honor. I wasn‘t listening.
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven‘s gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, ‘I don‘t know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out,‘ and he leaves.
The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. ‘What if it doesn‘t work out?‘ they wonder, ‘Are we stuck together forever?‘
St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. ‘Yes,‘ he informs the couple, ‘You can get married in Heaven.‘
‘Great,‘ says the couple, ‘but what if things don‘t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?‘
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground!
‘What‘s wrong?‘ exclaims the frightened couple. ‘Come on!‘ St. Peter exclaims, ‘It took me three months to find a priest up here!
Do you have any idea how long it‘s going to take for me to find a lawyer!?‘
It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the wife accused of incredible escapades. Testifying before her own attorney, she projected an image of sweet innocence, told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable.
When it was time for cross-examination though, the husband‘s lawyer arose and said, ‘Isn‘t it true that on the night of June 12, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual intercourse with a certain circus midget on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle as it raced across a private golf course reaching speeds in excess of seventy-five miles per hour?‘
She turned pale but retained her remarkable self-control and composure.
Her voice was almost serene in its innocence as she asked, ‘What was that date again ?‘
A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. ‘I‘m much too young to die! I‘m only 35!‘
St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.
After investigating, he told the attorney, ‘I‘m afraid that there is no mistake my son…
We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you‘ve billed to your clients, and according to that, you‘re at least 108 years old!‘
The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, ‘Hey! Cut it out, all right!‘
The rear tiger says, ‘sorry,‘ and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, ‘I said stop it!‘
The rear tiger says, ‘sorry,‘ and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, ‘What is it with you, anyway?‘
The rear tiger replies, ‘Well, I just ate a lawyer and I‘m trying to get the taste out of my mouth!‘
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, ‘Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.‘
‘Because,‘ the man says, ‘I live in a two-story house.‘
The Judge replies, ‘What kind of a reason is that! What‘s the big deal about a two-story house?‘
The man answers, ‘Well Judge, one story is…**I have a headache** and the other story is **It‘s that time of the month!** ‘
Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months.
The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree, that provided them their food. Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.
One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, ‘Wow! I can‘t believe my eyes! I don‘t believe this is true!‘ The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said, ‘I think you‘re hallucinating and you should come down right now.‘
So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island.
The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But, within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious.
The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other, ‘You know, we‘ve been on this island for months now without a woman. It‘s been a long time…do you think we should….you know….. screw her?‘
The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked…
‘Out of what?‘
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, ‘What are you charged with?‘
‘Doing my Christmas shopping early sir‘, replied the defendant.
‘Well that‘s not an crime‘, said the judge! ‘How early were you doing this shopping?‘
‘Before the store opened‘, answered the prisoner.
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, ‘Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.‘
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative:
He would inscribe, ‘Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: ‘That‘s Strange‘!
Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team’s response times. “Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,” bragged one, “we’ve cut our emergency response time by ten percent.”
“Not bad,” the second paramedic commented. “But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we we cut our average time by 20 percent.”
“That’s nothing said the third paramedic. “Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we’ve cut our emergency response time in half!”