Its All About Jokes

A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: ‘Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!‘ The defendant answered, ‘No, we won.‘

Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.

One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, ‘Where are we?‘

The man yells back, ‘About a half mile from town.‘

Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, ‘He must have been a lawyer.‘

The other says, ‘A lawyer! How do you know that?‘

The first says, ‘That�s easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant.‘

The devil visited a lawyer‘s office and made him an offer. ‘I can arrange some things for you, ‘ the devil said. ‘I‘ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you‘ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife‘s soul, your children‘s souls, and their children‘s souls rot in hell for eternity.‘

The lawyer thought for a moment. ‘What‘s the catch?‘ he asked.

A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

‘Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,‘ responded the lawyer.

‘Sorry, but I can‘t do that,‘ replied the stonecutter. ‘In this state, it‘s against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer‘.‘

‘But that won‘t let people know who it is!‘ protested the lawyer.

‘Sure it will,‘ retorted the stonecutter. ‘People will read it and exclaim, ‘That‘s impossible!‘

A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.

‘Alright,‘ the lawyer says looking through his papers. ‘You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.

‘What! That sounds like a car payment schedule,‘ retorted the client.

‘Your right. It‘s mine.‘

A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:

‘Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn‘t you. -$50.00.‘

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town‘s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn‘t you like to give back to the community in some way?“

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?“

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um … no.“

The lawyer interrupts, “or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?“

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

“or that my sister‘s husband died in a traffic accident,“ the lawyer‘s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!“

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…“

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don‘t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?“