Lawyer Jokes Collection
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer‘s club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
‘It ain‘t so bad,‘ one crook noted. ‘We got $25 between us.‘
The boss screamed: ‘I warned you to stay clear of lawyers–we had $100 when we broke in!‘
An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney�s office as his lawyer handed him his will. ‘Your estate is very complex,‘ said the lawyer, ‘but I�ve made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500.‘
Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said ‘$500,‘ the old man wrote out his check and left.
When she got off the phone and realized the old man�s mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. ‘Oh well,‘ she said to herself, ‘$500 for half an hour�s work isn�t bad.‘
A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch.
A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he�d had enough.
The bartender said, ‘I�ve got to ask you. What�s with the pocket business?‘
‘Oh,‘ said the man, ‘I have my lawyer�s picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I�ve had enough.‘
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, ‘I never know how to handle the situation when I‘m asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?‘ The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.
The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.
A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn�t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, ‘Don�t worry. You�ll never have to go to jail with all that money.� And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn�t have a dime.
A lawyer‘s dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer‘s office and asks, ‘if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog‘s owner?‘ The lawyer answers, ‘Absolutely.‘
‘Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.‘
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. ‘Only a shilling?‘ said the Justice, ‘Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here‘s a guinea; go and bury twenty more of them.‘
A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
‘How much does it cost for engineer brain?‘
‘Three dollars an ounce.‘
‘How much does it cost for programmer brain?‘
‘Four dollars an ounce.‘
‘How much for lawyer brain?‘
‘$1,000 an ounce.‘
‘Why is lawyer brain so much more?‘
‘Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?‘
Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, ‘Oh, look! A nut!‘ The second squirrel jumped on it and said, ‘It�s my nut!‘
The first squirrel said, ‘That�s not fair! I saw it first!‘
‘Well, you may have seen it, but I have it,‘ argued the second.
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, ‘You shouldn�t quarrel.
Let me resolve this dispute.‘ The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, ‘Now, give me the nut.‘ He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, ‘See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved.‘
Then he reached over and said, ‘And for my fee, I�ll take the meat.‘