Its All About Jokes

A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn‘t donate even a cent to a charity.

The Lawyer responds, “Yeah, well if I‘m not giving them any money, why should I give you any?“

A man is in court. The Judges says,‘on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?‘

‘Guilty‘, said the man in the dock.

At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted ‘You dirty rat!‘ The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.

The Judge continued ‘….. and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead‘?

‘Guilty‘, said the man in the dock.
Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, ‘You dirty rotten stinking rat‘!!

At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, ‘I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?‘

He replied ‘He is my next door neighbor‘.
The Judge replied, ‘I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments‘.

The man replied ‘NO, your Honor, you don‘t understand.
Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn‘t have one‘!!!

A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer.
During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions.

‘Your Honor,‘ replied the defendant, ‘that man represented me in a bitter divorce. One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held. The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get. My lawyer told me I didn‘t have to be present and ‘not to worry.‘

‘I can‘t see why you‘d punch a man for that,‘ interrupted the judge.

‘Wait, there‘s more…
When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side. I asked why.
Then he said, ‘Because everything‘s coming up Rose‘s.‘

‘THAT‘S when I hit him!‘

A man accused of robbing a bank was tried for the final time and was found guilty. Just before he was taken away, the man looked the judge in the eye and said, ‘Would it be okay if I called you a son of a bitch?‘

The judge‘s face went red and he roared, ‘It most certainly would not! I‘d add another two years onto your sentence!‘

The defendant nodded and then asked, ‘Would it be okay if I THOUGHT you were a son of a bitch?‘

The judge was becoming very annoyed but replied, ‘Yes, I suppose that would be okay. I obviously have no control over your thoughts.‘

The defendant smiled and said, ‘Well, in that case, judge, I think you are a son of a bitch!‘

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, ‘Sorry, heaven‘s crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can‘t get in.‘

He looks at the teacher, and asks her: ‘What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?‘ ‘Oh, that‘s easy,‘ the teacher replied, ‘the Titanic.‘ So St. Peter let her into heaven.

Next he turned to the petty thief. ‘How many people died on that ship?‘ St. Peter asked. ‘Oooh, that‘s tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1,
500.‘ St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer. He simply said to him: ‘Name them.‘

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

‘Why are you eating grass?‘ he asked one man.
‘We don‘t have any money for food.‘ the poor man replied.
‘Oh, come along with me then.‘
‘But sir, I have a wife with two children!‘
‘Bring them along! And you, come with us too!‘, he said to the other man.
‘But sir, I have a wife with six children!‘ the second man answered.
‘Bring them as well!‘

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, ‘Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.‘

The lawyer replied, ‘No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!‘

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said,

‘You seem like nice young men, and I‘d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I‘ll see you back in court Monday.‘

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, ‘How did you do over the weekend?‘

‘Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.‘ ‘17 people? That‘s wonderful. What did you tell them?‘ ‘I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this…

…O…o

…and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.‘ ‘That‘s admirable,‘ said the judge.

‘And you, how did you do?‘, he asked the second boy, ‘Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.‘ ‘156 people! That‘s amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?‘, ‘Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

…o…O

I said (pointing to the small circle) ‘this is your asshole before prison, …‘

A man walked into a curio store and was looking around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.

The proprietor said, that will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it. The man said, ‘Thanks, but I‘ll just pay the $10 and pass on the story.‘

He purchased the brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked — the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, which he did — and all the rats drowned.

He returned to the store where he purchased the brass rat, and when he walked in, the proprietor said, ‘Ah ha! You came back to pay the $1,000 for the story, right?‘

‘Nope,‘ replied the man, ‘Just came back to see if you have any brass lawyers!‘

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl‘s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, ‘Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?‘

‘Of course not, dear,‘ replied the mother, ‘Why would you think that?‘

‘The tombstone back there said… ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.‘

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial –it went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer–do you have a locker room in the police station–a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?

A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room…