Jewish Jokes Collection
Kol Nidre night
He says, ‘Rabbi, I know tonight is Kol Nidre night, but tonight Spurs are in the European Cup quarter finals. Rabbi, I‘m a life long Spurs fan. I‘ve got to watch the Spurs game on TV.‘
Rabbi Levy replies, ‘Sidney, that‘s what video recorders are for.‘
Sidney is surprised. ‘You mean I can tape Kol Nidre‘?
Jewish Mothers make such good parole officers …
Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make such good parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mother
Q: What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers?
A: ‘Is anything OK?‘
The dinner date
Shlomo and Yetta were getting ready to go out to dinner.
Yetta comes out of the bedroom and says to Shlomo, “Darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or shall I put on the Gucci outfit?”
“What do I care?” Shlomo replies.
Yetta then asks, “Darling, shall I wear my Rolex or my Cartier watch?”
“Who cares?” says Shlomo.
Yetta then says to Shlomo “Darling, shall I wear my 5 carat pear or my 6 carat round diamond?”
To which Shlomo responds “Hey, if you don’t get your act together, and soon, we are going to miss the Early Bird Special!”
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change…
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) Don‘t bother, I‘ll sit in the dark, I don‘t want to be a nuisance to anybody.
What is the proper blessing to recite . . .
Q: What is the proper blessing to recite before logging on to the Internet?
A: ‘Modem anachnu loch…‘
The missing years
Moshe was eating in a Chinese restaurant and was chatting to his Chinese waiter.
Moshe commented upon what a wise people the Chinese were.
‘Yes,‘ replied the waiter, ‘we‘re wise because our culture is 4,000 years old. But Jewish people are also very wise, are they not?‘
Moshe replied, ‘Yes, we are. Our culture is 5,000 years old.‘
The waiter was surprised to hear this. ‘That can‘t be true,‘ he replied, ‘where did your people eat for a thousand years?‘
Bernie at the Races
Rabbi Levine is walking slowly out of a Shul in Golders Green when a gust of wind blows his hat down the street. He‘s an old man and can‘t walk fast enough to catch his hat. Across the street, Bernie sees what‘s happening, rushes over, grabs the hat and returns it to Rabbi Levine.
‘I don‘t think I would have been able to catch my hat.‘ Rabbi Levine says. He places his hand on Bernie‘s shoulder and says, ‘May God bless you.‘
Bernie thinks, ‘I‘ve just been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day.‘ So he goes to the races and sees in the first race a horse named ‘Top Hat‘ at 20 to 1. He bets £50 and the horse comes in first.
In the second race, Bernie sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1 so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also.
When Bernie finally returns home to his wife, she asks him where he‘s been. He explains how he caught the Rabbi‘s hat and was blessed by him and then went to a betting office and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names.
‘So where‘s the money?‘ she asks.
‘I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost.‘
‘You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat.‘
‘It doesn‘t matter,‘ Bernie said, ‘the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka.‘
The dog
Rivkah, a little old lady get on an El Al flight to Israel. She‘s carrying a bag, a purse and a little dog in a box. She sits down and puts the box on the seat next to her.
A stewardess approaches Rivkah and says, ‘I‘m sorry Madam, but you can‘t keep the dog here. I‘ll have to take it and put it in baggage.‘
Rivkah agrees. What else can she do?
During the flight, the stewardess looks in on the little dog, and Oy Gevult, the dog is dead. She informs the pilot who notifies Tel Aviv airport who tells the director who decides that they will get an other dog to replace this one. The little old lady will never know.
When the plane lands and Rivkah goes to the baggage hall to claim her box, they bring her a box with a new dog, an exact replica of her old dog. ‘This is not my dog‘, Rivkah exclaims.
‘Why yes it is,‘ the captain tells her. ‘See, it has the same markings.‘
‘This is not my dog‘, Rivkah insists.
‘How do you know this isn‘t your dog?‘ asks the captain.
‘My dog is dead!‘
The old lady
Hetty, a little old lady, gets onto a crowded bus in Hendon in the middle of a heat-wave and stands in front of a seated young girl.
Holding her hand to her chest, Hetty says to the girl, ‘If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat.‘
The girl gets up and gives up the seat to Hetty.
The girl then takes out a fan and starts to fan herself. Hetty looks up and says, ‘If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan.‘
The girl gives Hetty her fan.
A short while later, Hetty gets up and says to the bus driver, ‘Stop, I want to get off here.‘
The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next bus stop, not in the middle of the road.
Her hand across her chest, Hetty tells the driver, ‘If you knew what I have, you would let me out here.‘
The bus driver pulls over and lets Hetty out. As she‘s walking out of the bus, he asks, ‘Madam, what is it that you have?‘
‘Chutzpah,‘ Hetty replies.