Its All About Jokes

Smart Jewish Boy
The Yuppette witnessed a neighbor lighting her Menorah candle each night & at first chance, engaged the lady in conversation. Her Jewish neighbor explained both the Holiday & the tradition.

The subject of the conversation turned to their children.
The Yuppette bragged how she had raised a doctor and a banker.

The Jewish neighbor said that she had only one son who was a Rabbi.

The Yuppette exclaimed, ‘A Rabbi ??? What kind of a job is that for a smart Jewish boy ?‘

America and Israel
America and Israel struck a deal to bolster each others Armies.

The Israelis said they would like to exchange three generals for three
generals.

The Americans agreed, stating they wanted an IDF General to teach tactics, an armor General to teach desert warfare, and a Mossad General to teach espionage.

The Israelis replied and said they wanted
General Electric, General Motors, and General Dynamics.

Where does Moshe hide money from his wife Sadie?
Q: Where does Moshe hide money from his wife Sadie?

A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

Quite Special Parrot
Moshe wants to buy a parrot and goes to his local pet shop to see what they have. The assistant shows him a parrot and explains that this one is really quite special — it can speak most languages. So Moshe decides to test this out: ‘Do you speak English?‘ asks Moshe.

‘Yes,‘ replies the parrot.

‘Hablas Espanol?‘ asks Moshe.
‘Si,‘ replies the parrot.

‘Parlez-vouz Fransais?‘ asks Moshe.
‘Oui,‘ replies the parrot.

‘Sprechen sie Deutsch?‘ asks Moshe.
‘Jawohl,‘ replies the parrot.

‘Falas Portugues?‘ asks Moshe.
‘Sim,‘ replies the parrot.

Moshe pauses for a while, then asks the parrot,
‘Do you speak Yiddish?‘

The parrot shrugs its shoulders and says,
‘Nu? Vis a nose like dis, vot you tink?‘

Seder warning
Medical experts from London have published a paper that concludes that Seder participants should not eat both chopped liver and choroses.

Their research shows that if they do, it can lead to Charoses of the Liver.

Religious Goods
Abe and Moishe had a religious goods store on Delancey Street on the Lower East Side of NYC. The neighborhood was changing. The Jews were moving to Westchester and the Puerto Ricans were moving in.

‘Abe, we have to move to Westchester,‘ said Moishe.

‘We can‘t. This neighborhood is our life. We‘ve been here for 33 years. Maybe we can start stocking Catholic articles too.‘

‘What? Catholic articles? Bis du in gantzen meshuggeh? We‘re Jews. No Catholic articles!‘

Well, a month passed and they sold nothing but two tallesim, three mezzuzahs and one set of tefillin. Now was the time to fish or cut bait.

Moishe agreed that they had to stock Catholic articles, so he said to Abe, ‘OK, call that Catholic supply house on Park Avenue.‘

Abe: ‘Hello, Catholic supply house on Park Avenue? This is Abe and Moishe‘s on Delancey Street. We want 100 autographed pictures of the Pope, 200 of those beads – what you call them, Rosaries? – and 500 crucifixes…and I need those things here tomorrow.‘

‘OK, Sir. I got your order. Let me read it back. 100 autographed pictures of the Pope, 200 sets of Rosaries and 500 crucifixes….

But – tomorrow we don‘t deliver… it‘s Shabbos!‘

Chanukah Songs that Never Quite Caught On
Oy to the World

Schlepping through a Winter Wonderland

Hava Negilah – The Megamix

Bubbie Yetta Got Run Over by a Reindeer

Enough with those facackennah Jingle Bells Already… Sheez!

Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People)

I Have a Little Dreidel (the Barking Dog Version)

Come on Baby, Light My Menorah

Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzos

Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky

Price of Oranges
Mrs. Goldberg was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, ‘How much are these oranges?‘

‘Two for a quarter,‘ answered the vendor.

‘How much is just one?‘ she asked.

‘Fifteen cents,‘ answered the vendor.

‘Then I‘ll take the other one,‘ said Mrs. Goldberg.

The convert
Martin Lewis converts and becomes a priest.

He give his first Mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest‘s sermon, a cardinal goes up to congratulate him. ‘Pastor Lewis,‘ he said, ‘That was very well done, you were just perfect. But next time, please don‘t start your sermon with, ‘Fellow Goyim…‘

The car driver
Cyril was driving down Hendon Road when he gets pulled over by a policeman.

Walking up to Cyril‘s car, the policeman says, ‘I‘ve come to tell you that your wife fell out your car some 2 miles back.‘

Cyril replies, ‘Thank goodness, I thought I‘d gone deaf.‘