Its All About Jokes

Overboard
Isaac and Hymie were two tired Brooklyn businessmen who were ordered to take a Caribbean cruise by their doctors. The second night out on the way to Martinique they were leaning against the rail, looking at the big bright tropical moon on the sea, really starting to unwind.

Suddenly the rail broke and both Jews fell screaming into the ocean. They came up gasping and spluttering and saw the ship sailing away from them into the darkness. As Isaac had fallen overboard he had managed to grab a life preserver, and now he clung to it, desperately treading water. ‘Hyman!‘ he called out, ‘Hyman, can you float alone?‘

‘Oy vay!‘ called out Hymie from the dark waters. ‘Vat a time to talk business

What‘s the definition of chutzpah?
Q: What‘s the definition of chutzpah?

A: A boy who kills his parents and then begs the court for mercy – because he‘s an orphan.

Kosher Variant of BSE
There‘s a variant of BSE that‘s been found in kosher cattle. It‘s called
‘I-had-expected-better-from-you cow disease.‘

The President‘s Mother
Harry Goldberg has been elected the next president of the United States–the first Jewish boy to reach the Whitehouse. He is very proud and phones his mother in New York to invite her to the inauguration.
Harry: Momma, guess what! I‘ve just been elected president, won‘t you come to my inauguration?

Mother: Harry! You know I hate trains. I can‘t face the journey all the way to Washington. Maybe next time.

Harry: Momma! You will take no train. Air Force One will collect you. The journey will be over in 30 minutes. Come to my inauguration, please…

Mother: Harry, I hate hotels. The non-kosher food! Nahh, maybe next time.

Harry: Momma!! You will stay in the White House, a kosher chef to yourself. PLEASE come.

Mother: Harry! I have nothing to wear!

Harry: I have someone on his way to take you to Macy‘s and Bloomingdale‘s to make you look perfect. You must come!!!

Mother: Okay, okay, I suppose I will come.

Inauguration day comes. Mother is on the front row, next to the Secretary of State. Harry is called up to become the next president. Mother digs the Secretary of State in the ribs and says, ‘Hey, you see that boy Harry? His brother is a very successful doctor!‘

Jewish Dream
Moshe was taking to his psychiatrist. ‘I had a weird dream recently,‘ he says. ‘I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn‘t get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?‘

The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, ‘One slice of toast and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?‘

Last Wishes
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.

‘Bloomingdales!‘ the rabbi exclaimed. ‘Why Bloomingdales?‘

‘Then I‘ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.‘

What kind of cheese melts on a piece of matza …
Q: What kind of cheese melts on a piece of matza to make a passover pizza?

A: Matzarello

Jewish Mother Disease
Q: What is the most common disease transmitted by Jewish Mothers?

A: Guilt.

Judaism
There are many forms of Judaism:

Cardiac Judaism — in my heart I am a Jew.

Gastronomic Judaism — we eat Jewish foods.

Pocketbook Judaism — I give to Jewish causes.

Drop-off Judaism — drop the kids off at Sunday school
and go out to breakfast.

Two-Times a Year Judaism — attend service Rosh
Hashanah and Yom Kippur.

A Serious Chat with Mom
Rivkah sprang to answer the telephone.
‘Darling, How are you? This is Mommy.‘

‘Oh Mommy,‘ Rivkah said crying, ‘I‘m having a bad day. The baby won‘t eat and the washing machine won‘t work. I‘ve sprained my ankle and I‘m hobbling around. On top of all this, the house is a mess and I‘m supposed to have the Minkys and the Rokens for dinner tonight. I haven‘t even had a chance to go shopping.‘

The voice on the other end said in sympathy, ‘Darling, let Mommy handle it. Sit down, relax and close your eyes. I‘ll be over in half an hour. I‘ll do your shopping, tidy up the house and cook your dinner. I‘ll feed the baby and I‘ll call an engineer I know who‘ll fix your washing machine. Now stop crying. I‘ll even call your husband David at the office and tell him he should come home to help out for once.‘

‘David?‘ said Rivkah. ‘Who‘s David?‘

‘Why, David ‘s your husband….Is this 555-3749?‘

‘No, this is 555-3747.‘
‘Oh, I‘m sorry. I guess I dialled the wrong number.‘

There was a short pause, then Rivkah said, ‘Does this mean you‘re not coming over?‘