Its All About Jokes

Moishe…The Optimist
A group of elderly Jewish men meet every Wednesday for a coffee and a chat. They drink their coffee and then sit for hours discussing the world situation. Usually, their discussion is very negative.

One day, Moishe surprises his friends by announcing, loud and clear, ‘You know what? I‘ve now become an optimist.‘

Everyone is totally shocked and all conversation dries up.

But then Sam notices something isn‘t quite right and he says to Moishe, ‘Hold on a minute, if you‘re an optimist, why are you looking so worried?‘

Moishe replies, ‘Do you think it‘s easy being an optimist?‘

New cheese factory
Did you hear about the new facility Kraft Foods is building in Israel?

It’s called ‘Cheeses of Nazareth‘.

The ventriloquist
Issy had received no work for six months. So he went to his agent and told him he needed work badly.

His agent said, ‘There‘s no call for ventriloquists, but there‘s plenty of work for psychics.‘

So Issy went home and hung a psychic sign outside his house. Within an hour, a woman knocks on the door and says, ‘I want to talk to my deceased Bernie. How much will it cost me?‘

Issy replies, ‘If you just talk to him, $50. If he talks to you, a bit more, $75. But if you talk to each other while I‘m drinking a glass of water, that will be $150

Orbit
NASA had sent many shuttles to orbit the earth and made an attempt to include passengers of all races, colour and creed. They recently realized they had excluded the clergy, so they invited a priest, a minister, and a rabbi to orbit the earth in a shuttle.

Upon their return, crowds of people formed to hear their impressions. First the priest emerged, beaming and happy; his statement was full of joy. He said, ‘It was totally amazing. I saw the sun rise and set. I saw the beautiful oceans.‘

Then the minister emerged, also happy and at peace. He said, ‘I saw the magnificent earth, our home. I saw the majestic sun. I‘m truly in awe.‘

Then the rabbi came out. He was completely dishevelled, his beard was tangled and in every direction, his kipah was frayed, his tallit was wrinkled, like you can‘t imagine. They asked him, ‘Rabbi, did you enjoy the flight?‘

He threw his hands in the air crazily and replied, ‘ENJOY??? What was to enjoy? Oy! Every five minutes the sun was rising and setting! On with the tefillin, off with the tefillin, Mincha, Maariv, Mincha, Maariv… Oy Gevalt!!!!!!‘

God will provide
A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.

The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. ‘So what are your plans?‘ the father asks the young man.

‘I am a Torah scholar.‘ he replies.

‘A Torah scholar. Hmmm,‘ the father says. ‘admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live
in, as she‘s accustomed to?‘

‘I will study,‘ the young man replies, ‘and God will provide for us.‘

‘And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?‘ asks the father.

‘I will concentrate on my studies,‘ the young man replies, ‘God will provide for us.‘

‘And children?‘ asks the father. ‘How will you support children?‘

‘Don‘t worry, sir, God will provide,‘ replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, ‘How did it go, Honey?‘

The father answers, ‘He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I‘m God.‘

I never make way for fools
Rabbi Mendel was one day walking along a very narrow street, when he came face to face with a rival Rabbi.

The street was too narrow for the two to pass.

The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily, ‘I never make way for fools.‘

Smiling, Rabbi Mendel stepped aside and said, . . .‘I always do.‘

If Microsoft were Jewish:
1. Your PC would shut down automatically on Friday evenings.

2. Your ‘Start‘ button would be replaced with a ‘Let‘s go. I‘m not getting any younger.‘ button.

3. RETRY would be replaced with ‘You vant I should try again?‘

4. When disconnecting external devices from your PC, instructions would say ‘Remove from your PC‘s tuchis the cable ‘.

5. Your CD player would be labelled ‘Nu, so play my music already.‘.

6. You would hear ‘Hava Nagila‘ during startup.

7. SCANDISK prompts you with, ‘You vant I should fix?‘ message.

8. When your PC is mult-tasking, you would occasionally hear an ‘Oy Gevult.‘

9. Manischewitz would advertise that its ‘monitor cleaning solution‘ gets rid of the ‘schmutz‘ on your screen.

10. After 20 minutes in an idle state, your PC would go ‘Schloffen.‘

11. All computer viruses would be cured with chicken soup.

12. After your computer dies, you would have to dispose of it within 24 hours.

13. Internet Explorer would have a spinning ‘Star of David‘ in the upper right corner.

14. A screen saver for channukah will be ‘Flying Draidles‘.

15. High capacity DVB‘s (digital video bagels) would supercede CD-ROM‘s

Two synagogues
A cruise liner goes down in the Pacific and Benny is the only survivor. He manages to swim to an uninhabited island.

Many year‘s later, when a search party finally comes to rescue him, they see that he has constructed two synagogues on his tiny island.

‘Why the two synagogues?‘ the leader asks Benny.

Benny points to the nearest one and replies, ‘That‘s the one I go to every Saturday. The other one, I wouldn‘t go inside if you paid me!‘

Jewish film titles
Oy of the Beholder – Singles kvetch about their awful partners.

Girls Interrupted – Women‘s section of shul are told to be quiet during davening.

Seder House Rules – Zeda explains the law on Pesach.

Angela‘s Kashas – Woman tells all her secret recipes.

Supernova – Rocket scientists discover powerful strain of lox.

Dredel Will Rock – Toy comes alive during Purim.

Sleepy Halah – It‘s Friday and dad fills up on bread then dozes off.

Goys Don‘t Cry – Rabbi explains why only Jews celebrate Tisha B‘Av.

Goy Story 2 – Issy divorces shiksa, then marries another.

Mun on the Moon – Astronauts find hamentashen filling on the moon

Stuart Ladle – Mouse makes chicken soup for shabbos.

The End of the Affair – Sheva Brachos finishes at 3am.

Miriam was dying
Miriam was dying and on her deathbed, she gave final instructions to her husband Sidney. ‘Sidney, you‘ve been so good to me all these years. I know you never even thought about another woman. But now that I‘m going, I want you to marry again as soon as is possible and I want you to give your new wife all my expensive clothes.‘

‘I can‘t do that, darling,‘ Sidney said. ‘You‘re a size 16 and she‘s only a 10.‘