Its All About Jokes

Morris, the Samurai.
There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job, a Japanese, a Chinese, and Morris. So he interviewed all three.

The emperor first asked the Japanese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Japanese opened a little silver box and out flew a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in two pieces. The emperor was impressed.

The emperor then asked the Chinese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Chinese opened a small pearl box and out flew a smaller fly. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in four pieces. The emperor was very impressed.

Then the emperor asked Morris to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. Morris opened a small gold box and out flew a wasp. Whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whooooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh went Morris‘s sword, but the wasp was still alive and buzzing around the emperor.

The emperor was very disappointed and asked Morris, ‘After all your sword play, why is the wasp not dead?‘

Morris replied, ‘A circumcision is never intended to kill.‘

The Praying Dog
While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to take over the service and went to talk to Bernie.

‘What are doing here with a dog?‘

‘The dog came here to pray.‘

‘Oh, come on.‘ says the Rabbi.

‘It‘s true,‘ says Bernie.

‘I don‘t believe you. You are just fooling around and that‘s not a proper thing to do in a synagogue.‘

‘Its really true,‘ says Bernie.

‘OK,‘ says the Rabbi (thinking he would call Bernie‘s bluff), ‘then show me what the dog can do.‘

‘OK,‘ says Bernie nodding to the dog. The dog opens up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (and puts them on) and prayer book and then starts saying prayers in Hebrew!

The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes. When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. ‘Do you think your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school?‘

Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says, ‘You talk to him, he wants to be a doctor!‘

Four Letter Words
Isaac and Sarah got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, Sarah immediately telephoned her mother Leah.

‘Well,‘ said Leah, ‘how was the honeymoon,darling?‘

‘Oh mom,‘ Sarah replied, ‘the honeymoon was fantastic. It was so romantic, and ..and…‘

Then Sarah started to cry. ‘Oh mom, as soon as we got back, Isaac started using terrible language. He said things I‘d never hoped to hear, all those 4-letter words. Please mom, get into your car now and come and take me home.‘

‘Calm down, darling,‘ said Leah, ‘tell your mother what could be that awful. Don‘t be shy, tell me what 4-letter words Isaac used.‘

‘Please mom, I‘m too embarrassed to tell you, they‘re terrible words. Just come and take me away.‘ said Sarah.

‘But bubeleh, you must tell me, you must tell me what the 4-letter words were.‘
Still crying, Sarah replies, ‘Oh mom, he used words like WASH, COOK, IRON, DUST, …‘

A more modern version of the binding of Isaac
And it came to pass after these things that G-d did test Avraham. And He said to him ‘Avraham!‘

And Avraham replied ‘Hineni – here I am.‘

And He said, ‘Take your computer, your old computer, your 286, and install upon it an operating system, a new operating system, Windows 95, which I will show to you.‘

And Avraham rose up early in the morning, and saddled his ass. He loaded his computer, his old computer, his 286, on the ass. And he took two of his young men with him and Yitzchak his son. And he rose up and went to the place where G-d had told him, there to find Windows 95.

Then, on the third day, Avraham lifted his eyes and saw Windows 95 from afar. And Avraham said to his young men, ‘Stay here with the ass; and I and the lad will go yonder and load Windows 95 on our 286, and come again to you.‘

And Avraham took his computer his old computer, his 286, and laid it on Yitzchak his son. And they went both of them together.

And Yitzchak spoke to Avraham his father and said, ‘My father.‘ And he replied, ‘Hineni – Here I am, my son.‘ And Yitzchak said, ‘Windows 95 requires far more memory than a 286 has. How will it possibly run on your machine?‘

And Avraham looked at his son, his only son, whom he loved; and he shook his head slowly, and in perfect faith and with unswerving trust and belief in the Almighty, he said:

‘Fear not, Yitzchak my son, . . . . G-d will provide the RAM.‘

Rabbi in Space
NASA had sent many shuttles to orbit the earth and attempted to include passengers of all races, colour and creed. One day, they realised they hadn‘t invited anyone from the clergy so they invited a priest and a rabbi to orbit the earth.

Upon their return, they were asked to go straight to the Media room to give the world their impressions of the experience.
The priest came into the room with a smile on his face. His statement was full of joy. He said, ‘It was totally amazing. I saw the sun rise and set. I saw the beautiful oceans. I‘m truly in awe.‘

But the rabbi came into the room completely dishevelled. His beard was tangled, his kippot was askew and his tallis was creased. The reporters asked him whether he enjoyed the experience.

He threw his hands in the air and said, ‘Enjoy? Oy vay, you must be joking. How could I find time to enjoy? Every few minutes the sun was rising and setting! So it was on with the tefillin, off with the tefillin, mincha, maariv, mincha, maariv…. Oy Gevalt.‘

The package
Moishe walks into a post office to send a package to his wife.

The postmaster says, ‘This package is too heavy, you‘ll need another stamp.‘

Moishe replies, ‘And that should make it lighter?‘

The Army of God
Ira Goldberg was in front of me heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always our rabbi was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed.

The rabbi grabbed Ira by the hand and pulled him aside.

The rabbi lunged these words at him, ‘You need to join the Army of G-d!‘

Ira riposted, ‘I‘m already in the Army of God, Rabbi.‘

Rabbi questioned, ‘How come I don‘t see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?‘

He whispered back, ‘I‘m in the secret service.‘

A Rabbi, a cantor, and a synagogue president
A Rabbi, a cantor, and a synagogue president were driving to a seminar when they were kidnapped. The highjackers asked the three of them to hand over all of their money and jewellery. When they replied that they hadn‘t any, the hijackers told them that immediately after their last wishes were fulfilled, they would be killed.

‘My last wish,‘ began the Rabbi, is to give a fascinating, complicated, long sermon that I have always wanted to but never been allowed to give.‘

‘We will grant your wish,‘ the hijackers replied.

‘My last wish,‘ said the cantor, ‘is to sing a beautiful, Yemenite style song, one of my own compositions lasting two hours. I have never been allowed to sing it.‘

‘We‘ll let you sing it,‘ replied the hijackers.

‘What is your last wish,‘ the hijackers asked the shul president.

‘Please, please shoot me now.‘

Mealtime during a flight on El Al
It was mealtime during a flight on El Al.

‘Would you like dinner?‘ the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front.

‘What are my choices?‘ Moishe asked.

‘Yes or no,‘ she replied.

Israel‘s economy
Israel‘s economy is in a bad way, inflation is getting higher and immigrants are flooding in from all over the world. Problems, problems, problems, but what should they do? So the Knesset holds a special session to come up with a solution.

After several hours of talk without progress one member, Yitzhak, stands up and says ‘Quiet everyone, I‘ve got it, I‘ve got the solution to all our problems. We‘ll declare war on the United States.‘

Everyone starts shouting at once. ‘You‘re nuts! That‘s crazy!‘

‘Hear me out!‘ says Yitzhak. ‘We declare war. We lose. The United States does what she always does when she defeats a country. She rebuilds everything; our highways, airports, shipping ports, schools, hospitals, factories, and loans us money, and sends us food aid. Our problems would be over.

‘Sure,‘ says Benny, another minister, ‘that‘s if we lose. But what if we win?‘