Its All About Jokes

Three Jewish Mothers
Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench in Brent Cross shopping centre talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.

Sadie says ‘You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother.‘

Minnie says,‘You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother‘s Day? That‘s from my son Bernie. What a doll.‘

Shirley says ‘That‘s nothing. You know my son Stanley? He‘s in analysis with a psychoanalyst in Harley Street. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me.‘

Do you know what a Jewish dilemma is?
Do you know what a Jewish dilemma is?

Free ham.

What do you call an uncircumcised Jew …
Q: What do you call an uncircumcised Jew who is more than 8 days old?

A: A girl.

What‘s a Jewish woman‘s idea of natural childbirth
Q. What‘s a Jewish woman‘s idea of natural childbirth?

A. No make up whatsoever.

Tax Deductible
Rabbi Rabinovitz answers his phone.

‘Hello?‘

‘Hello, is this Rabbi Rabinovitz?‘

‘It is.‘

‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?‘

‘I‘ll try.‘

‘Do you know Sam Cohen?‘

‘I do.‘

‘Is he a member of your congregation?‘

‘He is.‘

‘Did he donate $25,000 to the synagogue rebuilding fund last year?‘

‘He will!‘

Jack‘s Last Will and Testament
Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack‘s Last Will and Testament:

‘To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar. To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill.‘

Three Reform Rabbis
Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None survived. One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the Creator of all. Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three.

‘Reform I can understand. But where will it end? You! Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could smoke while the Torah was being read?‘

Goldblum shuddered.

God went on, ‘I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word is strong!‘

Goldblum sighed with relief.

‘Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat. But really, serving Ham & Cheese Sandwiches to the devout at the temple during Yom Kippur?‘

Bauman hung his head in shame.

‘Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that which is not Kosher. I‘m not pleased at all with the playing fast and loose with my people, but I can accept these indiscretions.‘

Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief.

Finally, He turns to the third rabbi and says, ‘You, Rabinowitz, have gone too far! Am I asking too much? No, you flaunt the world at Me, even on the holiest days of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur by putting out a sign saying…‘Closed for the Holidays!‘.‘

CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM AND GET $100
Abe and Shlomo are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic Church. They see a big sign posted that says: – ‘CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM AND GET $100.’

Abe stops walking and stares at the sign.
Shlomo turns to him and says, “Abe, what’s going on?”

“Shlomo,” replies Abe, “I’m thinking of doing it.”

Shlomo says, “What, are you crazy?”

Abe thinks for a minute and says, “Shlomo, I’m going to do it.”

With that, Abe strides purposely into the church and comes out 20 minutes later with his head bowed.

“So,” asks Shlomo, “did you get your $100?”
Abe looks up at him and says, “Is that all you people think of?”

Yom Kippur
A guy wanted to get in the temple on Yom Kippur, but without a ticket they don‘t let you in. He said, ‘Look, I just want to give a message to a friend in there.‘

The guy at the door says, ‘Sorry, you got to have a ticket.‘

The first guy replies, ‘Just let me in for one minute, then I‘ll be right out.‘

‘Alright,‘ says the guy at the door, ‘but I better not catch you praying.‘

Bagels
A German comes to London and stays with Maurice and his family.

The first morning they all have breakfast together and have bagels. The German exclaims ‘Wow we don‘t have bagels like this in Germany.‘

To which Maurice stands up and yells ‘And who‘s fault is that?‘