Its All About Jokes

Divorce After 54 Years
Morris calls his son in NY and says,‘ Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don‘t want to discuss it. I‘m merely telling you because you‘re my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I‘ve made up my mind, I‘m divorcing Mama.‘

The son is shocked and asks his father to tell him what happened. ‘I don‘t want to get into it. My mind is made up.‘

‘But Dad, you just can‘t decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?‘

‘It‘s too painful to talk about it. I only called because you‘re my son, and I thought you should know. I really don‘t want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell
her. It will spare me the pain.‘

‘But where‘s Mama? Can I talk to her?‘

‘No I don‘t want you to say anything to her about it. I haven‘t told her yet. Believe me it hasn‘t been easy. I‘ve agonized over it for several days, and I‘ve finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow.‘

‘Dad, don‘t do anything rash. I‘m going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won‘t do anything until I get there.‘

‘Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I‘ll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can‘t bear to talk about it anymore.‘

A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. ‘Benny told me That you don‘t want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won‘t do anything until we both get there.‘

Morris promises.

After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, ‘Well Sahna, it worked this time, but what are we going to going to do next time to get them to come home for the holidays?‘

So , You wanted a Kosher Computer
I don‘t know if you know this but they are now selling Kosher computers (Made in Israel) called DELLSHALOM. It is selling at such a good price that I bought one. Mine arrived yesterday.

If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know that there are some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:

The cursor moves from right to left.

It comes with two hard drives–one for fleyshedik business software and one for milchedik games.

Instead of getting a ‘General Protection Fault‘ error, my PC now gets ‘Ferklempt.‘

The Chanukah screen savers include ‘Flying Dreidels‘

The PC also shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.

The ‘Start‘ button has been replaced with ‘Let‘s go!! I‘m not getting any younger!‘ button.

When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to ‘Remove the cable from the PC‘s tuchus‘.

The multimedia player has been renamed to ‘Nu, so play my music already!‘.

Internet Explorer has a spinning ‘Star of David‘ in the upper right corner.

I hear ‘Hava Nagila‘ during startup. Microsoft Office now includes ‘A little byte of this, and a little byte of that.‘

When running ‘scandisk‘, it prompts with a ‘You want I should fix this?‘ message.

When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud ‘Oy Gevalt‘

There is a ‘monitor cleaning solution‘ from
Manischewitz that Advertises that it gets rid of the ‘schmutz und drek‘ on your monitor.

After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes ‘Schloffen.‘

Computer viruses can now be cured with some matzo ball chicken soup.

The Y2K problem has been replaced by ‘Year 5761-5762‘ issues.

If you decide not to shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, the following message appears: ‘You should be ashamed of yourself.‘

When Spellcheck finds an error it prompts ‘Is this the best you can do
?

Chinese Rabbi
A guy from Brooklyn was in Hong Kong passing
through the native quarter, and was surprised to see a synagogue. He went in and sure enough, he saw a Chinese rabbi and a Chinese congregation. The service was touching.

As the service ended, the rabbi stood at the
door greeting his congregants. When our
Brooklyn friend came up, the Chinese rabbi said, ‘You a Jew?‘

‘Yes, I‘m Jewish,‘ replied the Brooklynite.

‘Funny,‘ said the Chinese rabbi. ‘You don‘t look it.‘

An Irish Priest and a Rabbi
An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road.

The Rabbi says, ‘Oy vey! What a wreck!‘

The priest asks him, ‘Are you all right, Rabbi?‘

The Rabbi responds, ‘Just a little shaken.‘

The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, ‘Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves.‘

The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, ‘Well, what are we going to tell the police?‘

‘Well,‘ the priest says, ‘I don‘t know what your aft‘ to be tellin‘ them. But I‘ll be tellin‘ them I wasn‘t the one drinkin‘.‘

Two beggars in Ireland
Two beggars are sitting on the pavement in Ireland. One is holding a large Cross and the other a large Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. As people walk by, they lift their noses at the guy holding the Star of David but drop money in the other guy’s hat. Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat is empty.

A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the guy with the Star of David and says, ‘Don‘t you realize that this is a Christian country? You‘ll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David.‘

The guy holding the Star of David then turns to the guy holding the Cross and says, ‘Hymie, look who‘s trying to teach us Marketing.‘

Miami Beach Nursing Home Wedding
A rabbi was called to a Miami Beach Nursing Home to perform a wedding.

An anxious old man met him at the door. The rabbi sat down to counsel the old man and asked several questions. ‘Do you love her?‘

The old man replied, ‘I guess.‘

‘Is she a good Jewish woman?‘

‘I don‘t know for sure,‘ the old man answered.

‘Does she have lots of money?‘ asked the rabbi.

‘I doubt it.‘

‘Then why are you marrying her?‘ the rabbi asked.

‘She can drive at night,‘ the old man said

The confession
Two five year-olds, one Jewish, the other Catholic, are playing in a sandpit. Sean says to David, ‘Our priest knows more about things than your rabbi!‘

To which David replies, ‘Of course he does, you tell him everything.‘

Jewish Princess Prayer
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want
He leadeth me to Neiman Marcus
He giveth me energy for shopping
He restoreth my checkbook
He teacheth me to make restaurant reservations
He leadeth me past K-Mart for mine own sake
Yea, though I walk by Target
I shall not go in, for Thou art with me
Thy fashionable clothes they comfort me
Thou preparest diamond jewelry for me in the presence of mine enemies
Thou anointest my face with Chanel cosmetics
My cup overflows
Surely designer clothes shall follow me to the end of my days
And I will walk on Rodeo Drive forever.

A Dublin Jew
A Dublin Jew who happens to be walking by an Orangemen march, is hit in the head by a rock, and collapses, nearing the point of death.

A priest, who happens to be at the march, takes the man in his arms and says, ‘Do you believe in God the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?‘

The Jew looks at him with a puzzled gaze and says, ‘Here I am dying, and now he asks me riddles!‘

Children of Israel
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day‘s lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.

‘Mr. Goldblatt,‘ announced little Joey, ‘there‘s somethin‘ I can‘t figger out.‘

‘What‘s that Joey?‘ asked Goldblatt.

‘Well accordin‘ to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?‘

‘Right.‘

‘An‘ the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?‘

‘Er–right.‘

‘An‘ the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?‘

‘Again you‘re right.‘

‘An‘ the Children of Israel fought the ‘gyptians, an‘ the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an‘ the Children of Israel wuz always doin‘ somethin‘ important, right?‘

‘All that is right, too,‘ agreed Goldblatt. ‘So what‘s your question?‘

‘What I wanna know is this,‘ demanded Joey. ‘What wuz all the grown-ups doin‘?