Its All About Jokes

Christmas vs. Chanukah
1. Christmas is one day, same day every year: December 25. Jews also love December 25th. It‘s another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food, and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It
starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don‘t look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from either the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida) or other Jewish funeral home.

2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let‘s eat.

3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos… Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.

4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukah, Chanukka, Chanukah, Hanukah, Hannukah.

5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects
a diamond ring on Chanukah.

6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.

7. Christmas carols are beautiful. Silent Night, Come All Ye Faithful…. Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the horah. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of
the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don‘t Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?

8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud
people all talking at once.

9. Women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkas on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.

10. Parents deliver to their children during
Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.

11. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.

12. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, ‘Joseph, Bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn‘t sleep with her, and now you want to blame G-d. Here‘s the number of my shrink‘.

13. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to
synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person. Better stick with Chanukah!

Hold it!
So one guy says to another guy, ‘ Goldberg and Rosenstern were talking one day…

HOLD IT !, ….his friend interrupts him,

‘Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do they always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once!‘

So he starts again, ‘Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew‘s Bar Mitzvah…‘

Phone call to God
Billy Graham went to see the Pope in Rome. While he was waiting, Billy noticed a red phone. As he was ushered in to talk to the Pope, he asked, ‘What‘s the red phone for?‘

‘That‘s to talk to God,‘ came the reply.

‘Really,‘ Billy gasped, ‘how much does such a call cost – it‘s an awful long way?‘

‘$10,000 a minute, but it‘s well worth it.‘ answered the Pope.

Some weeks later, Billy Graham went to see the Chief Rabbi in Jerusalem. He noticed that he, too, had a red phone. ‘I don‘t suppose,‘ asked Billy, ‘that this phone is to talk to God?‘

‘Yes it is.‘ came the reply.

‘And how much does that cost?‘ Billy inquired.

‘Twenty-five cents a minute,‘ shrugged the chief rabbi.

‘How come it‘s so cheap?‘ Billy asked, ‘the Pope has a phone like that and it costs $10,000 a minute!‘

‘Well,‘ grinned the Chief Rabbi, ‘From here it‘s just a local call.‘

Making It Kosher
A Rabbi was walking home from the Temple and saw one of his good friends, a pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in religious arguments.

The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend, when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant (not a kosher one).

Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared
carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon and other treif that the Rabbi could not bear to think about.

As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the Rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could take it no longer.

‘Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an apparent enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation!‘

Morris replied, ‘Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?‘

(Rabbi nods yes)

‘Did you see me order this meal?‘

(again he nods yes)

‘Did you see the waiter bring me this food?‘

(again he nods yes)

‘And did you see me eat it?‘ (nods yes)

‘Then, Rabbi, I don‘t see the problem here. The entire meal was done under Rabbinical supervision!‘

The New Moses
The Rabbi‘s wife called a psychiatrist and said, ‘My husband thinks he‘s the new Moses. Almost like a reincarnation!‘

The doctor assured her that these delusions of grandeur were only a passing fancy.

‘OK.‘ she responded. ‘But in the meantime, how do I keep him from parting the waters in the hot-tub?‘

Not Me Your Honor
A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town. The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the local judge.

After listening to the sheriff‘s story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest: ‘Were you gambling, Father?‘ The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, ‘Oh, Lord, forgive me!‘ and then said aloud: ‘No, your honor, I was not gambling.‘

‘Were you gambling, Reverend?‘ the judge asked the minister. The minister repeated the priest‘s actions and said, ‘No, your honor, I was not.‘

Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked: ‘Were you gambling, Rabbi?‘

The rabbi eyed him coolly and replied ‘With whom?‘

Jewish & Catholic
The little girl‘s dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.

One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, “Mom, can we go home now?”

“No honey, not yet,” replied the mother, “the Mass is only half over.”

“Then we can go now, Mom. I‘m half Jewish.”

How you can tell if a person‘s not been to synag..
How you can tell that the person next to you has not been to synagogue too often?

1. ‘Hey, my book is back to front.‘

2. ‘Isn‘t it impolite to talk when the minister is talking?‘

3. ‘I get the standing and the sitting bit, but when do we kneel?‘

4. ‘Does your prayer book have writing in a funny looking alphabet, too?‘

5. ‘Why do people keep coming in even after the service starts? Didn‘t they know what time it starts?‘

6. ‘Do people always get up and walk out just before the rabbi gives his sermon?‘

7. ‘This food after the service is really good, but wouldn‘t it be better if people waited in line and then only took a little at a time?‘

8. ‘Hey, I remember this part from ‘Fiddler on the Roof‘.‘

9. ‘Who brings kids to a place like this?‘

10. ‘You there, slow down, you‘re getting ahead of the soloist!‘

11. ‘Why am I the only guy in the dress circle?‘

12. ‘You‘d think nobody has ever seen a mobile phone.‘

13. ‘It‘s show time! They‘re opening the curtains.‘

14. ‘Pardon me, but you have some string hanging down from your scarf.‘

15. ‘The boy can‘t be more than 12 or 13 – and they let him read?‘

16. ‘When do they take up the collection?‘

Morris and his Rabbi
Morris goes to the rabbi and says, ‘I committed a sin and I want to know what I can do to repent.‘

‘What was the sin?‘ the rabbi asked.

‘It happened just once,‘ Morris assures him. ‘I didn‘t wash my hands and recite the blessing before eating bread.‘

‘Nu, if it really only happened once,‘ the rabbi said, ‘that‘s not so terrible. Nonetheless, why did you neglect to wash your hands and recite the blessing?‘

‘I felt awkward Rabbi,‘ said Morris. ‘You see, I was in an un-kosher restaurant.‘

The rabbi‘s eyebrows arch. ‘And why were you eating in an un-kosher restaurant?‘

‘I had no choice,‘ Morris said. ‘All the kosher restaurants were closed.‘

‘And why were all the kosher restaurants closed?‘ the rabbi asked.

Morris replied, ‘It was Yom Kippur.‘

A young Jewish man visiting a psychiatrist
A young Jewish man was visiting a psychiatrist, hoping to cure his eating and sleeping disorder. ‘Every thought I have turns to my mother,‘ he told the psychiatrist. ‘As soon as I fall asleep and being to dream, everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up so upset that all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast.‘

The psychiatrist replied, ‘What, just one piece of toast for a big boy like you?‘