Jewish Jokes Collection
An elderly Jewish in the hospital
An elderly Jewish man is struck by a car and brought to the local hospital.
A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, ‘Mr. Epstein, are you comfortable?‘
Epstein replies, ‘I make a nice living.‘
Bernie & Rachel
Bernie had a fight with Rachel, his wife, and went to the movies to cool off. Later that evening, he decided to phone home to see what the situation was and maybe even apologize.
‘Hello, darling,‘ he said, ‘what are you making for dinner?‘
‘What am I making for dinner? After all the horrible things you said to me earlier, you want to know what I am making for dinner? Poison, that‘s what I‘m making, poison.‘
Bernie replies, ‘Okay then, just make one portion, I‘m not coming home.‘
What does a mohel carry?
Q: If a doctor carries a black leather bag and a plumber carries a box of tools, what does a mohel carry?
A: A bris kit.
The Jewish Advisor
There once lived a king who had an advisor called Hymie. The king relied so much on the wisdom of Hymie that one day he decided to promote him to chief advisor. But the other advisors objected. They said, ‘It‘s OK sitting in counsel with a Jew, but to allow him to boss us about would be unacceptable.‘
The King accepted their argument and ordered Hymie to convert. Hymie had to obey the King.
But soon after, Hymie felt great remorse and over the months that followed he became despondent, his health suffered and he grew weak.
Finally Hymie could take it no longer and made a decision. He went to the king and said, ‘I was born a Jew and a Jew I will always be. So do whatever you want with me.‘
The King had no idea Hymie felt so strong about his ‘conversion‘.
‘OK,‘ said the King, ‘if that‘s how you feel, go be a Jew again. The other advisors will just have to live with it. You‘re too important for me to lose.‘
On his way back home to tell the news to his family, Hymie felt the strength surge back into his body.
When he arrived, he called out to his wife, ‘Sarah, we can be Jews again, we can be Jews again.‘
Sarah glared at him and said, ‘Couldn‘t you wait until after Passover?‘
The Plaque
The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Rabbi walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, ‘Good morning, Adam.‘
‘Good morning, Rabbi,‘ replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. ‘Rabbi Resnick, what is this?‘ Adam asked.
‘Well, it‘s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.‘
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Adam‘s voice was barely audible when he asked, ‘Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur?‘
Why did the Jewish Mother want to be buried near..
Q: Why did the Jewish Mother want to be buried near the shopping center?
A: To be sure her daughter would visit her twice a week.
The last meal
Fabritzi, Jacques, and Abe are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
Fabritzi asks for a Pepperoni Pizza which he is served. He is then executed.
Jacques asks for a Filet Mignon which he is served. He too is then promptly executed.
Abe requests a plate of strawberries.
‘Strawberries?‘
‘Yes,‘ replies Abe, ‘strawberries.‘
‘But they are out of season.‘
‘So, nu, I‘ll wait . . . .‘
Curt Rabbi
A Rabbi, who was late for a golf game, was rather curt with several people whose phone calls kept delaying him.
The next day, his secretary said, ‘Rabbi, several members of the congregation were really upset with you when you cut them short yesterday.‘
At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in the reception room got up and departed hurriedly.
‘Who was that?‘ asked the Rabbi.
‘Oh, that was Mr. Ruthenberg,‘ she answered. ‘He wanted to speak to you about a circumcision for his son.‘
The rabbi tells a story
‘A poor woodcutter found a baby in the forest and adopted him. But how should he feed the child? He prayed to God, and a miracle happened: The woodcutter grew breasts and could nurse the child.‘
A student:
‘But why should god make woman‘s breast grow on a man? God could have sent a purse with gold, so the woodcutter could have hired a nurse.‘
The rabbi responds:
‘Wrong! Why should God spend money, if he can manage with a miracle?‘
Rolls Royce
Moshe was at his golf club and went into the clubhouse to see whether anyone could offer him a lift to Hendon. His own car was off the road being serviced.
‘Sure,‘ said Morry, ‘I‘ll give you a lift. My Rolls Royce is just outside.‘
As they‘re driving along, Moshe says, ‘Morry, what‘s that thing on the dashboard ticking all the time?‘
‘That‘s my digital clock.‘
A few minutes later, Moshe asks, ‘And what‘s that thing on the dashboard moving up and down?‘
‘That‘s my tachometer,‘ says Morry.
Then a few minutes after that, Moshe starts to ask, ‘But what‘s that….‘
‘Hold on a minute, Moshe,‘ says Morry, ‘I can see you‘ve never been in a Rolls Royce before.‘
‘Never in the front seat.‘ says Moshe.