Its All About Jokes

Osama‘s Valentine
Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine‘s Day. ‘Since Valentine‘s Day is for a Christian saint and we‘re Jewish,‘ he asks, ‘will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?‘

David‘s father thinks a bit, then says ‘No, I don‘t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?‘

‘Osama Bin Laden,‘ David says.

‘Why Osama Bin Laden,‘ his father asks in shock.

‘Well,‘ David says, ‘I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we‘re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he‘d love everyone a lot. And then he‘d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn‘t hate anyone anymore.‘

His father‘s heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.

‘David, that‘s the most wonderful thing I‘ve ever heard.‘

‘I know,‘ David says, ‘and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him.‘

A Jew and a Christian
A Jew and a Christian were arguing about the ways of their religion.

The Jewish man said, ‘You people have been taking things from us for thousands of years; The Ten Commandments, for instance.‘

The Christian replied, ‘Well, it‘s true that we took the Ten Commandments from you, but you can‘t actually say that we‘ve kept them!‘

Mexican Jews
Sid and Mundo were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. ‘Sid,‘ asked Mundo, ‘Are there any Jews in Mexico?‘

I don‘t know,‘ Mundo replied. ‘Why don‘t we ask the waiter?‘

When the waiter came by, Mundo asked him, ‘Are there any Mexican Jews?‘

‘I don‘t know sir, let me ask,‘ the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, ‘No, sir. No Mexican Jews.‘

‘Are you sure?‘ Mundo asked.

‘I will check again, sir.‘ the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said, ‘I cannot believe there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.‘

When the waiter returned he said, ‘Sir, no Mexican Jews.‘

‘Are you really sure?‘ Mundo asked again. ‘I cannot believe there are no Mexican Jews.‘

‘Sir, I ask everyone,‘ the waiter replied exasperated. ‘We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews, and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!‘

The Pope and the Jew
Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe‘s Latin wasn‘t very good – in fact, he knew very little–but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, ‘I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.‘

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: ‘First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?‘

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. ‘What happened?‘ they asked. ‘Well,‘ said Moishe, ‘First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.‘ ‘And then?‘ asked a woman. ‘I don‘t know,‘ said Moishe. ‘He took out his lunch and I took out mine.‘

A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood
A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday, the Catholics go crazy because, while they‘re morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him. Finally, by threats and pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones:

‘Born a Jew — Raised a Jew — Now a Catholic.‘

The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew‘s house to remind him of his new diet.

They see him standing over the cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying:

‘Born a cow — Raised a cow — Now a fish.‘

False Teeth
Moisha Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his native land of Germany. He sold all his assets and converted it to gold and then had 5 sets of solid gold false teeth made.

When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth. So Moisha explained.

‘We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth.‘

The customs official shook his head and said, ‘Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?‘

Moisha then said ‘Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food.

The customs official slapped his head and then said, ‘You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What
about the fifth set?‘

‘Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich.‘

Hotel is Full
A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort – one that did not admit Jews.

The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, ‘Sorry, no room. The hotel is full.‘

The Jewish lady said, ‘But your sign says that you have vacancies.‘

The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, ‘You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town…‘

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, ‘I‘ll have you know I converted to your religion.‘

The desk clerk said, ‘Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?‘

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, ‘He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem.‘

‘Very good,‘ replied the hotel clerk. ‘Tell me more.‘

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, ‘He was born in a manger.‘

‘That‘s right,‘ said the hotel clerk. ‘And why was he born in a manger?‘

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, ‘Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn‘t give a Jewish lady a room for the night!‘

Hebonics
The New York City school board has officially declared Jewish English, now dubbed ‘Hebonics‘, as a second language. Backers of the move say the city‘s School District is the first in the state to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and significant attribute of New York culture.

According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at New York University and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.

Prof. Schollman explains, ‘In Hebonics, the response to any question Is usually another question — plus a complaint that is implied or stated. Thus, ‘How are you?‘ may be answered, How should I be, with my feet?‘

Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with ‘sh‘ or ‘shm‘ at the beginning: ‘Mountains,shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?‘

Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: ‘It‘s beautiful, that dress.‘

Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as ‘He‘s slow as a turtle,‘ could be: ‘Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks.‘

Schollman provided the following examples from his textbook, Switched-On Hebonics.

Question: ‘What time is it?‘
English answer: ‘Sorry, I don‘t know.‘
Hebonic answer: ‘What am I, a clock?‘

Remark: ‘I hope things turn out okay.‘
English response: ‘Thanks.‘
Hebonic response: ‘I should BE so lucky!‘

Remark: ‘Hurry up. Dinner‘s ready.‘
English response: ‘Be right there.‘
Hebonic response: ‘Alright already, I‘m coming. What‘s with the ‘hurry‘ business? Is there a fire?‘

Remark: ‘I like the tie you gave me, wear it all the time.‘
English response: ‘Glad you like it.‘
Hebonic response: ‘So what‘s the matter; you don‘t like the other ties I gave you?‘

Remark: ‘Sarah and I are engaged.‘
English response: ‘Congratulations!‘
Hebonic response: ‘She could stand to gain a few pounds.‘

To guest of honor at his birthday party:
English remark: ‘Happy birthday.‘
Hebonic remark: ‘A year smarter you should become.‘

Remark: ‘A beautiful day.‘
English response: ‘Sure is.‘
Hebonic response: ‘So the sun is out; what else is new?‘

Answering a phone call from son:
English remark: ‘It‘s been a long time since you called.‘
Hebonic remark: ‘You didn‘t wonder if I‘m dead yet?‘

Mama Goes Shopping
Mama goes shopping and scrutinizes everything. Here is how her shopping went..

Mama: ‘I don‘t like the looks of this whitefish.‘

Merchant: ‘Lady, for looks you don‘t buy whitefish; you buy goldfish.‘

Mama: ‘Oy, and this chicken, it has a broken leg.‘

Merchant: ‘Look lady, you gonna eat it or dance with it?‘

Mama: ‘And before you weigh the meat, take out the bones.‘

Merchant: ‘Lady, I buy with bones; you‘ll buy with bones.‘

Mama: ‘I don‘t pay with bones.‘

Merchant: ‘All right, no bones.‘

Mama: ‘Thank you, you are a gentleman. Now put the bones in a separate bag for soup. And never mind the meat. I don‘t like your meat anyhow.‘

You know you grew up Jewish when …
You‘ve had at least one female relative who draws eyebrows on her face and they are always asymmetrical.

You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef ‘brisket‘.

Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish.

Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents.

You‘ve experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10 foot wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray.

You thought pasta was the stuff used exclusively for kugel and kasha and bowties.

You watched Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan every Sunday night.

You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.

You never knew anyone who‘s last name didn‘t end in one of 5 standard suffixes.

You thought all women‘s breasts were at least a C cup.

You were surprised to find out that wine doesn‘t always taste like year-old cranberry sauce.

You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.

You think the goyim are out to get you.

Your mother smacked you really hard and continues to make you feel bad for hurting her hand.

You can understand Yiddish but you can‘t speak it.

You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don‘t exactly know what they mean.

You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse‘s ancestor.

You grew up thinking it‘s normal for someone to shout ‘are you okay? Are you okay?‘ through the bathroom door if you‘re in there for longer than 3 minutes.

You have at least six male relatives named David.

You feel a sense of pride after seeing a Stephen Spielberg movie, but Barbara Streisand embarrasses you to no end.

Your grandparent‘s furniture smelled like mothballs and was as comfortable as sitting on sandpaper.

You thought that speaking loud was normal.

You thought whitefish salad and lox was the quintessential party food.