Insult Jokes Collection

28 Jul

A young man was at a fancy restaurant one day with his

A young man was at a fancy restaurant one day with his new girlfriend. It’s their first date and everything is going well, barring the occasional period of silence. The girlfriend goes to the restrooms and while she is away, the young man spots somebody at another table that looks incredibly like Bob Barker, the Price Is Right guy. He decides to pop over and approache the guy.

“Excuse me,” says the young man, “but you half look like Bob Barker. I don’t suppose…”

“Well,” interrupts Bob, “actually, I am Bob Barker.”

The young man is almost speechless, but does continue, “Look Bob, I think you’re great. I’ve watched all your shows and blah, blah, blah, etc… could you do me a favor?”

“What ever you want,” says Bob.

“Well, you see I’m at another table with my new girlfriend and it would really impress her if you would just come up to me and say, ‘Hello John’.”

“Sure, no problem.” says Bob.

So Steve rushes back to his table and his girlfriend returns. A few moments later, over pops Bob to their table and goes up to John.

“Hi John, how you doing?” says Bob. John looks up and says, “Oh, piss off, Bob”.

28 Jul

Somewhere, in some office or human resources department

Somewhere, in some office or human resources department… an employee has had a performance evaluation. Most of the time these go well, with someone getting a raise or a boost in moral… other times… not so well. The following are actual quotes taken from various performance evaluation tests at a company (to remain anonymous).

“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”

“His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.”

“I would not allow this employee to breed.”

“This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t be.”

“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”

“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”

“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”

“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”

“This employee should go far – and the sooner he starts, the better.”

“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

28 Jul

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”

The man gets really indignant and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”

28 Jul

A demitasse would fit his head like a sombrero.A guy wi

A demitasse would fit his head like a sombrero.
A guy with your IQ should have a low voice too!
A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.
A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind.
After meeting you, I’ve decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of incest.
All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it’s hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you.
All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don’t you send them a penny and square the account?
Alone: In bad company.
And there he was: reigning supreme at number two.
Any friend of yours … is a friend of yours.
Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.
Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
Are you brain-dead?
Are your parents siblings?
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
As useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker. ~ Earl Pitts ~
As welcome as a rattlesnake at a square dance. ~ Robert Reinhold ~
At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people – you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
Believe me, I don’t want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?
Better at sex than anyone, now all he needs is a partner.
Brains aren’t everything. In fact, in your case they’re nothing!
Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Can I borrow your face for a few days while my ass is on vacation?
Careful now, don’t let your brains go to your head!
Converse with any plankton lately?
Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
Did the mental hospital test too many drugs on you today?
Did you eat paint chips when you were a kid?
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Did your parents have any children that lived?
Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you’d had enough oxygen at birth?
Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison the tea.
Do you want do die stupid?
Do you want me to accept you as you are or do you want me to like you?
Doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear, but then again he doesn’t know the meaning of most words.
Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!
Don’t get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?
Don’t let your mind wander — it’s too little to be let out alone.
Don’t mind him. He has a soft heart and a head to match.
Don’t thank me for insulting you. It was my pleasure.
Don’t think, it may sprain your brain!
Don’t you have a terribly empty feeling —- in your skull?
Don’t you love nature, despite what it did to you?

28 Jul

kyon har bar mosam ki tarha badal jatay hohar naye saal

kyon har bar mosam ki tarha badal jatay ho

har naye saal hamara dil dukhatay ho

ye baat sun ke meri rooh tak kaanmp gayi

ay dost tum masjidon se jootay churatay ho?

28 Jul

Phone K RIshte Bhi Ajeeb Hote HainBalance Rakh Kr BHi L

Phone K RIshte Bhi Ajeeb Hote Hain

Balance Rakh Kr BHi Log Ghareeb Hote Hain

Msg Krne Ki Hoti Nahi JinKo Taufeeq

Wo Log bhi KItne Miskeen Hote Hain

28 Jul

Bijli Bord vich post nikli hai salri 50000rs h r r z

Bijli Bord vich post nikli hai salri ‘50000‘rs h r r z milnge.
Kam koi nahi bass ‘11kv‘ tar te GILLA kapra mar ke saaf karni hai.
BEST OF LUCK.

28 Jul

Har vele fikar jiha ek rehnda bas PADAI da,tu ta kanjra

Har vele fikar jiha ek rehnda bas PADAI da,

tu ta kanjra thik hi hona haal das sadi BHARJAI da.

28 Jul

Ek hathi ne ek chuhiya ko ched diya, chuhiya ne hathini

Ek hathi ne ek chuhiya ko ched diya, chuhiya ne hathini ko shikayat
karke kaha ki apne pati ko samjha lo varna Mard hamare ghar mein
bhi hai

28 Jul

Ab tek meri life khuli bottle thiJis main se sub perfum

Ab tek meri life khuli bottle thi
Jis main se sub perfume ki terha ur jata tha
aap k aane se sub kuch ruk gaya hai

khuda kare aap jaisa dhkken sub ko mile