Its All About Jokes

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn‘t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn‘t take, and loads them in the truck again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.

‘No,‘ she says, ‘they‘re all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.‘

Ok this idiot of the first order is invited for a game of golf for the first time, while in another country.

He‘s totally enamoured with the golf ball because he‘s never seen anything like it before so he carries like, 30 of them back home to give away as souveniers.

While passing through the customs on his way back, the customs officer who‘s perhaps a bigger idiot than this guy, notices his pockets bulging with all these golf balls and can‘t figure it out. So he asks our man, ‘What the hell is all this?!‘

To which he replies, ‘Oh they‘re just golf balls.‘ So the customs officer goes, ‘Oh oh! You mean like tennis elbow?‘

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date…

‘I really don‘t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.‘

‘I refuse to get cable. That‘s how they keep tabs on you.‘

‘I used to come here all the time with my ex.‘

‘Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn‘t hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.‘

‘I really feel that I‘ve grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn‘t have given someone like you a second look.‘

‘And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.‘

‘I know you said you don‘t eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.‘

‘It‘s been tough, but I‘ve come to accept that most people I date just won‘t be as smart as I am.‘

‘I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn‘t hurt to consider it.

Ed and Fred were flying along when the two idiots crash-landed on a desert island.

‘What should we do?‘, said Ed.

‘Hmmm, let‘s think.‘, replied Fred.

Ed shook his head, ‘No, let‘s do something you can do too!‘

Great Tips and Suggestions

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don‘t know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don‘t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Insurance Form Statements…

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don‘t have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife‘s face.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.

A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says, ‘I wish you had a flashlight.‘

He says, ‘Why‘s that?‘

She says, ‘Because you‘ve been eating grass for fifteen minutes.‘

50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: ‘Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!‘
4. Whistle the first seven notes of ‘It‘s a Small World‘ incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: ‘Got enough air in there?‘
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: ‘Noogie patrol coming!‘
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go ‘plink‘ at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: ‘I‘ve got new socks on!‘
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: ‘Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!‘
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occassionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter ‘gotta go, gotta go‘ then sigh and say ‘oops!‘
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing ‘Mary had a little lamb‘ while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler ‘Chutes away!‘ whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says ‘human head‘ on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce ‘You‘re one of THEM!‘ and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say ‘mmmm…tasty!‘
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers ‘through‘ it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask ‘is that your beeper?‘
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say ‘Ding!‘ at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say ‘I wonder what all these do‘ and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your ‘personal space.‘
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: ‘Wanna see whats in muh mouf?‘
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: ‘I must find a more suitable host body.‘
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear ‘X-Ray Specs‘ and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say ‘I think it‘s getting larger.‘
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler ‘Bad touch!‘

Real estate man: Would you like to see a model home?

Man: I sure would, when does she get off work?

As a couple sat in the living room, watching TV, the phone rang.

The husband picked it up, listened for a moment and then screamed, ‘Damn it! How should I know? Call the weather bureau!‘ and hung up.

‘What was that all about?‘ wife asked.

‘Awww, some idiot wanted to know whether the coast was clear!‘