Its All About Jokes

A LETTER FROM A WEST VIRGINIA MOTHER TO HER DAUGHTER

Dear Louanne Ellie Mae,

I‘m writing this letter slow because I know you can‘t read fast. We
don‘t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won‘t be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn‘t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I‘m not sure it works so well though; last week I put a loan in and pulled the chain and haven‘t seen them since. The weather isn‘t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven‘t found out what it is yet so I don‘t know if you are an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam safely. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn‘t get the tailgate down.

There isn‘t much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P. S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Insurance Claim Statements

1) Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don‘t have.

2) The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

3) I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my hand through it.

4) I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

5) A truck backed through my windshield into my wife‘s face.

6) A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

7) I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the other way.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

9) In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

10) I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision.

11) I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

12) I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble, when my universal joints gave way, causing me to have an accident.

13) Upon collision and in a flash of blue, I hit my head, twisted my neck, and tossed the lower part of my body out the side window.

14) To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

15) My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

16) An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

17) I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.

18) I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side of the street when I struck him.

19) The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran over him.

20) I saw the slow moving, sad faced gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

21) I was thrown from my car as it left the road, I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

22) The telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to swerve out of its way, when it struck the front of my car.

23) The accident occurred with me waving to the man I hit last week.

24) I hit a bus stop sign that was obscured by human beings.

25) The pedestrian was all over the road, I had to swerve a few times before I hit him.

26) A bull was standing near and a fly must have tickled him as he gored my car.

27) A stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

28) I immediately applied my brakes as the vehicle struck the cement wall, thus bringing my car to a complete halt.

29) I left my car unattended for a minute when by accident it ran away.

31) I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress, then we met on impact.

32) I struck the young man with my husband‘s car. He wanted to call the police but after having a look at my particulars he decided we should go to his apartment and settle things in private.

33) I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became squashed.

34) I thought my car was in reverse but I found otherwise when it lurched forward, doing injury to a parking meter. When the police arrived the meter had expired.

35) I was contemplating continuous travel of a relaxing nature when, without due justification or color of right, my vehicle was struck in the rear by a vehicle driven by a person of obvious sub-normal intelligence.

36) I was on my way through a green light, with 3 witnesses, on the way to the accident that was about to happen.

37) I was thrown from my car as I left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

38) I was unable to control my car when it went berserk and struck another vehicle.

39) I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers left immediately for a vacation with injuries.

40) My car hit a pothole and came to rest approximately fifteen feet below the surface of the road.

41) My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital.

42) My mind became confused by a sign that read ‘Free Puppy for Sale‘. The next thing I remember, I was in the ditch.

43) No one was to blame for the accident but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.

44) The accident happened when a right front door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal.

45) The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

46) The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear end showing.

47) The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

48) The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with my right front fender, removed his left rear tail light.

49) The other driver looked like the usual lane-hopping type with thick horn rimmed glasses, pimply faced, brown suit and thick soled shoes.

50) The other driver struck my car with an Expired Drivers License then left the scene of the accident.

51) There was a heavy fog and I was unable to find the traffic lights. A witness told the police that the other driver had the lights with him when he entered the intersection.

52) When I pressed the windshield spray button my car left the road and struck a fire hydrant. I was unable to see the road because of the spray. My windows are clean.

53) When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

He was a junior bank executive and he had swindled one hundred thousand dollars from his bank – all of which he‘d lost at the races. The bank examiners were coming the next day, and when he confessed the whole thing to his wife, she packed her bags and left him. Totally despondent, he walked to a nearby bridge and stood at the edge of it about to jump off and end it all.

Suddenly a voice called, ‘Young man, don‘t do that! There is no need to end your life! I‘m a witch and I can help you!‘ ‘I doubt it,‘ he said sadly, ‘I‘ve stolen a hundred thousand dollars from the bank, for which I‘ll probably be arrested tomorrow, and my wife has left me.‘

‘Young man, witches can do anything,‘ she said. ‘I‘m going to perform a witch miracle. ‘She said, ‘ALAKAZAM! The hundred thousand dollars has been replaced and there‘s another hundred thousand in your safe deposit box! ALAKAZAM! Your wife is back home again!‘

He looked at her in disbelief, ‘Is this all true?‘ he asked.

‘Of course,‘ she said, ‘But to keep it true you must do one thing.‘

‘Anything!‘ he said, ‘Anything!‘

‘You must take me to a motel and make passionate love to me.‘

He stared at her. She was an ugly old crone- as ugly as they could be, dressed in rags. Nevertheless, he agreed to her terms. He took her to a motel and made love to her all night. In the morning, as he was getting dressed and combing his hair in front of the mirror, she lay on the bed watching silently. Finally, she asked, ‘Sonny, how old are you?‘

‘I‘m thirty-two,‘ he said.

‘Tell me something, then,‘ she said. ‘Aren‘t you a little too old to believe in witches?‘

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out ‘GREEN SIDE UP!‘

In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled ‘GREEN SIDE UP!‘ The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.

In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled ‘GREEN SIDE UP!‘

The lady then asked him, ‘Why do you keep yelling ‘green side up‘?‘

‘I‘m sorry,‘ came the reply.‘But I have a crew of engineers laying sod across the street.

A Bama Graduate was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories.

A week later the grad complained to the doctor that they didn‘t produce the desired results. ‘Have you been taking them regularly?‘ the doctor asked.

‘What do you think I‘ve been doing,‘ the grad said, ‘Shoving them up my ass!‘

A greenhorn visiting Alaska was talking to two old sourdoughs. They informed him he was a cheechako. The greenhorn asked how he could become a sourdough.

The two sourdoughs winked at each other, and told him he had to do three things. First, he had to pee in the Yukon River. Second, he had to wrestle with a grizzly bear. And last, he had to make love to an Athabascan Indian woman.

‘No problem,‘ said the cheechako, and off he went. He hired himself a guide, and soon had dispatched his first duty. Then they found the grizzly bear.

The cheechako chased the bear into a cave. The most awful roaring and screaming emitted from that cave, along with blood and fur.

Finally, the cheechako staggers out of the cave. ‘Okay,‘ he said to the guide. ‘Where‘s that Indian woman I‘m supposed to wrassle!‘

Welfare Claim Statements

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by the clergy regularly.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?

I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead.

This is my ninth child. What are you going to do about it?

Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can‘t eat or do anything until he knows for sure.

I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is as dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.

My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven‘t had any relief since. What are you going to do about it?

Unless I get my husband‘s money pretty soon I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any difference.

I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

I want my money as quick as I can get it. I‘ve been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn‘t do me any good. If things do not improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place….

The man says ‘What‘s the problem officer?‘
Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80.
[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: I‘m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn‘t know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you‘ve known about that tail light for weeks.
[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: I‘m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your
seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man turns to his wife and yells: ‘Shut your damn mouth!‘

Officer turns to the woman and asks, ‘Ma‘am, does your husband talk to you like this all the time?
Wife says: ‘No, only when he‘s drunk!‘

It‘s the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He‘s a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl‘s father answers and invites him in. ‘Carrie‘s not ready yet, so why don‘t you have a seat?,‘ he says.

‘That‘s cool‘ says Bobby.

Carrie‘s father asks Bobby what they‘re planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie‘s father responds ‘why don‘t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.‘

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby – so he asks Carrie‘s Dad to repeat it.

‘Yeah,‘ says Carrie‘s father, ‘Carrie really likes to screw; she‘ll screw all night if we let her!‘

Well, this just made Bobby‘s eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she‘s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: ‘DAMMIT DADDY! …IT‘S CALLED THE TWIST!!!‘

‘Good Afternnoon, Ridge Hall, computer assistant; may I help you?‘
‘Yes, well, I‘m having trouble with WordPerfect.‘

‘What sort of trouble?‘
‘Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away.‘

‘Went away?‘
‘They disappeared.‘

‘Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?‘
‘Nothing.‘

‘Nothing?‘
‘It‘s blank; it won‘t accept anything when I type.‘

‘Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?‘
‘How do I tell?‘

‘Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?‘
‘What‘s a sea-prompt?‘

‘Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?‘
‘There isn‘t any cursor: I told you, it won‘t accept anything I type.‘

‘Does your monitor have a power indicator?‘
‘What‘s a monitor?‘

‘It‘s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
have a little light that tells you when it‘s on?‘
‘I don‘t know.‘

‘Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?‘
……‘Yes, I think so.‘

‘Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it‘s plugged into
the wall.‘
……‘Yes, it is.‘

‘When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?‘
‘No.‘

‘Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable.‘
……‘Okay, here it is.‘

‘Follow it for me, and tell me if it‘s plugged securely into the back
of your computer.‘
‘I can‘t reach.‘

‘Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?‘
‘No.‘

‘Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?‘
‘Oh, it‘s not because I don‘t have the right angle-it‘s because it‘s
dark.‘

‘Dark?‘
‘Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
from the window.‘

‘Well, turn on the office light then.‘
‘I can‘t.‘

‘No? Why not?‘
‘Because there‘s a power outage.‘

‘A power… A power outage? Aha! Okay, we‘ve got it licked now. Do
you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?‘
‘Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.‘

‘Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.‘
‘Really? Is it that bad?‘

‘Yes, I‘m afraid it is.‘
‘Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?‘
‘Tell them you‘re too stupid to own a computer!‘