Its All About Jokes

A guy enters a drugstore and lights up a cigar.

The owner, a bit outraged, says ‘Sir, please refrain from smoking here, it is a public place..‘

A bit bewildered, the guy answers ‘But it is only yesterday I bought those cigars here.‘

The owner quietly replies : ‘Irrelevant, sir, we also sell condoms here!‘

A not so bright guy got a job in a factory and ‘the boys‘ soon befriended him. Just before lunch one day a fellow worker came up to him and said, ‘You notice how the boss has been leaving work early for lunch and comes back late the past few weeks? Well, I‘ve been going home and spending time with my wife. You oughta try it.‘

So our young friend snuck home, but as he entered his apartment, he could hear his wife and a man in his bedroom. Sneaking a peak into his bedroom, he caught his wife, with his BOSS in bed. Turning around, he quietly left the apartment and returned to work before his boss got back.

The next day, after the boss left, his friend nudged him and said, ‘I guess thats my cue! You gonna sneak home again today?‘

To which our young friend replied, ‘Nah, I better not! I almost got caught yesterday!‘

Dum and Dummer were roughing in a house when Dummer sees Dum throwing away half the nails.

‘Hold it!‘, says Dummer.‘Why are you throwing all those nails away?‘

‘Because.‘, says Dum. ‘The heads are on the wrong end.‘

‘You dummy!‘, replies Dummer.‘
Those are for the other side of the house!‘

Idiocy in the Computer World

When I worked for a company that had a contract with 3M, 3M had asked me to write them a memo describing why we were having problems with diskette failures. I said in the memo that the disks were failing due to head crashes. ‘If the customers would just clean their heads periodically, we wouldn‘t have these problems,‘ I said in the memo. One customer responded with ‘What kind of shampoo do you recommend?‘

An end-user hotline received a call about a bad software disk. They asked the customer to make a copy of the disk and mail it in to the hotline. A few days later, they received a letter with a mimeographed copy of the disk. Since it was a double-sided disk, both sides of the disk had been Xeroxed.

A Computer Operator says as she is lifting an RP06 disk pack from the drive: ‘Gee, how much does one of these weigh?‘

Me: ‘It depends on how much data is on the disk.

The operator believed it.

I had a similar experience while working as a student operator at Michigan Tech. One particularly trying afternoon, the computer was merrily crashing for a number of reasons. After about four such spectacles, we broadcast that the computer would be down for the remainder of the afternoon. There was a resigned groan from the users and they began to file out of the Center, except for one comely young woman with wide blue eyes who wandered up to the counter and queried: ‘What‘s wrong with the computer?‘

Too tired and irritated to give her a straight answer, I looked her straight in the eye and replied: ‘Broken muffler belt.‘

A look of deep concern wafted into her expression as she asked: ‘Oh, that‘s bad. Can you call Midas?‘

A few excerpts from the Computer Help Desk:

Caller: ‘What‘s the name for when you‘re entering data into the computer?‘
HD: ‘Data Entry.‘
Caller: ‘Thank you!‘

Overheard in a student computer lab:
Client (raising hand and waving frantically): ‘The computer says ‘Enter your name and press RETURN. ‘What do I do??‘
Lab Assistant: ‘Enter your name and press RETURN.‘
Client (as if a revelation has struck): ‘Oh!‘

A man and his dog are shipwrecked on a desert island. After exploring the island, he discovers that the only other inhabitants on the island are a flock of sheep. After many months he realizes how difficult life is without having a woman by his side. He momentarily considers pleasuring himself with a sheep, but the horror of the thought soon draws him back to his senses.

A few months later, he can take it no more, and starts to stalk a particularly comely sheep. As he is about to do the dastardly deed, however, his dog grabs him by the leg and prevents him from going ahead. After some initial anger, he thanks the dog for keeping him on the straight and narrow.

This pattern continues for some years, when the man is not so much thankful for the hound‘s intervention, as downright irritated. Try as he might to sneak off to the sheep whenever the canine isn‘t looking, his faithful friend always hunts him down whenever he approaches the woolly flock.

Then one day, fate intervenes, and the man sees a yacht drop anchor in the bay. Soon he sees a very attractive young woman alighting from the yacht and stepping ashore. Soon he is with her, introducing himself.

‘You‘re the first man I‘ve seen after months at sea,‘ she coos. ‘I‘ll do anything you want.‘

Deep inside, the man is beside himself with joy. His prayers have been answered.

‘Great,‘ he says. ‘Will you walk my dog for me?‘

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it‘s tail and kissed it where the sun don‘t shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing.

‘Whatya do that fer?‘ he asked.
‘Got chapped lips,‘ the cowboy replied.

The old man asked, ‘Does that help?‘
The cowboy said, ‘No, but it keeps me from lickin‘ ‘em.‘

PLEASE ENGAGE BRAIN BEFORE SPEAKING

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can‘t help but cry. I mean I‘d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
– Mariah Carey

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
– Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana…. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can‘t remember what they are.
– Matt Lauer on NBC‘s Today show, August 22

I haven‘t committed a crime.
What I did was fail to comply with the law.
– David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

Smoking kills. If you‘re killed, you‘ve lost a very important part of your life.
– Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

I‘ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
– Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
– Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued…. Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976.
– Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation‘s history… this century‘s history…. We all lived in this century. I didn‘t live in this century.
– Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.

Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.
– Chicago Rotary Club journal, ‘Gyrator‘

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It‘s only the people who make them less safe.
– Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.

I‘ve always thought that under populated countries in Africa are vastly under polluted.
– Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
– Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.

The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.
– Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

Two girls were roommates.

One evening, Millie came running in, shedding clothes on the way to the bathroom.
She yelled, ‘Hurry up Tillie, get ready for our date!‘
Tillie didn‘t know anything about the date and said so.

Millie explained that she‘d met two really great looking guys and had made dates for both of them for that evening.
Tillie said, ‘I‘m not going out on any more blind dates.‘
‘Why not?‘

‘They‘re always the same,‘ said Tillie, ‘It‘s sex, sex, sex!
Nothing but a pain in the ass!‘

Millie looked at her in disbelief and exclaimed, ‘Honey, you‘re doing it wrong!‘

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.

2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you‘ll never go anywhere again.

3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.

7. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

10. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

11. Dinner Special — Turkey $2. 35; Chicken or Beef $2. 25; Children = $2.00

12. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

13. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

14. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

15. For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.

16. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

17. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

18. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

19. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

20. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

21. Man, honest. Will take anything.

22. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

23. Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

24. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

25. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

26. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

27. Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

28. And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

29. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

30. Free Beer!!. Tomorrow!

Actual comments received in 1996 from the Bridger Wilderness registration sheets and comment cards:

Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.

Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce world-wide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.

Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.

All the mile markers are missing this year.

Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.

Trail needs to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.

Too many bugs and leaches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.

Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the winter.

Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.

The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.

A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call __ __ __.

Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.

Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.

Need more signs to keep area pristine.

A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead.

The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.

I brought lots of sandwich makings, but forgot bread. If you have extra bread, leave it in the yellow tent at V Lake.

Too many rocks in the mountains.