Its All About Jokes

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest was another, and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard, who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, ‘What the hell was that all about?‘

Still staring down, the drunk replied, ‘I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!‘

Several years ago we had an intern who was not very swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary.

‘I‘m almost out of typing paper,‘ he said. ‘What do I do?‘

‘Just use copy machine paper,‘ she said to him.

With that, the intern took his last remaining piece of blank typing paper, put it in the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies!

A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter`s plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure.

As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.

The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed,

‘I said for you to marry a Rich Doctor! a Rich Doctor!‘

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large new motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in ‘Twister.‘

I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich!

A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theater.

As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, ‘That‘s very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn‘t you learn any manners! Where did you come from?‘

The man looked up helplessly and said, ‘The balcony!‘

Your cousin Jimmy is so stupid, he stole some free samples!

A man frantically calls 911 and says, ‘help…my wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart‘.

911: ‘is this her first child?‘.

Man: ‘Of course not, you idiot…this is her husband‘!

Things NOT to say to a Cop!

1. I can‘t reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn‘t realize my radar detector wasn‘t plugged in.

3. Aren‘t you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must‘ve been doin‘ about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!!

5. Excuse me. Is ‘stick up‘ hyphenated?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

8. Bad cop! No Donut!

9. You‘re not gonna check the trunk, are you?

10. Didn‘t I see you get your butt kicked on ‘Cops‘?

11. You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend‘s nightstand.

12. I pay your salary!

13. So, duhhhh, you on the take, or what?

14. Gee, Officer! That‘s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too.

15. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

16. I was trying to keep up with the other traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that‘s how far ahead of me they are.

17. What do you mean, ‘Have I been drinking?‘ You‘re the trained observer!

There were two teenagers and they just got thru playing basketball. So they went to the showerhouse.

They were in the showerhouse and the first teenager noticed a cork up the other teenagers butt. So when they got out of the showerhouse, the first teenager ask why he had a cork up his butt?

The other teenager said, ‘Well, I was at the beach and a fairy said she could grant me one wish‘, and in amazement I said – ‘No CRAP!‘

Rufus bought his wife Lula-bell a bouquet of twelve long-stemmed roses for her birtday. Lula-bell gave him a big, close, hug and a long, deep, kiss.

Then she wispered in his ear ‘I guess I‘m just gonna spend all night on my back with my legs in the air.‘

Rufus thought about it for a minute, then said, ‘You don‘t have to do that, honey. I bought you a vase to put the flowers in.‘