Its All About Jokes

The basketball coach stormed into the university president‘s office and demanded a raise right then and there.

‘Please,‘ protested the college President, ‘you already make more than the entire History department.‘

‘Yeah, maybe so, but you don‘t know what I have to put up with,‘ the coach blustered. ‘Look.‘

He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. ‘Run over to my office and see if I‘m there,‘ he ordered.

Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.

‘You‘re not there, sir,‘ he reported.

‘Oh, I see what you mean,‘ conceded the President, scratching his head. ‘I would have phoned.‘

Woo-hoo…check out these letters from tenants to landlords!

‘The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared. ‘

‘Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. .. .‘

‘The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?‘

‘Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away.‘

‘I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.‘

‘This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. ‘

‘The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.‘

‘I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.‘

‘Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.‘

‘Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.‘

‘Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.‘

‘Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.‘

A man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.

‘No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of GOLD!‘

She said she didn‘t believe him, so she called the bar.

‘Hello,‘ she said, ‘I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold?‘

To which she heard the bartender say, ‘Hey, Clarence, – I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone!‘

TOP TEN THINGS MEN SHOULDN‘T SAY OUT LOUD AT VICTORIA‘S SECRET

10. Does this come in children‘s sizes?
9. No thanks, just sniffing
8. I‘ll be in the dressing room going blind
7. Mom will love this
6. Oh size won‘t matter, she‘s inflatable.
5. No need to wrap it, I‘ll eat it here
4. Will you model this for me?
3. The Miracle what?!? This is better than world peace!!
2. $45 bucks?! You‘re just gonna end up naked anyway!!!!

And the number one thing that a man should NEVER, EVER say out loud in Victoria‘s Secret is:

1. Oh honey, you‘ll never squeeze your fat ass into that!!!!!!

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, ‘I‘m Stupid‘. That way you wouldn‘t rely on them, would you? You wouldn‘t ask them anything. It would be like, ‘Excuse me…oops, never mind. I didn‘t see your sign.‘

It‘s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says ‘Hey, you moving?‘

‘Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here‘s your sign.‘

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, ‘Hey, y‘all catch all them fish?‘ ‘No – We talked ‘em into giving up. Here‘s your sign.‘

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there‘s only one way to test it. ‘Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good… They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you.‘ ‘Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don‘t wanna lose it!‘

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, ‘Tire go flat?‘ I couldn‘t resist. said, ‘Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me! Here‘s your sign.‘

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, ‘Darn that‘s hot!‘ See? If he‘d been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn‘t ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn‘t get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign…until he asked ‘So.. is your truck stuck?‘ I couldn‘t help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said ‘no I‘m delivering‘ a bridge…here‘s your sign.‘

Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?

Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the ‘same‘ bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. He looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

Roy surprisingly looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries – ‘MAAAN! How many bars do you work at!?!?!‘

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ‘Thank you for your interest, but we‘ve decided to give the job to the other applicant.‘

‘And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct,‘ asked the rejected applicant.

‘We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed,‘ said the Department manager.

‘And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?‘ the rejected applicant inquired.

‘Simple,‘ said the Department manager…‘Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, ‘I don‘t know.‘

You put down, ‘Neither do I.‘

How do you keep a idiot occupied?

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(he-he)(woo-hoo!) (yee-haa!)

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.

‘They‘ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!‘ he cried out. The police were dumbfounded and dispatched an officer to the scene.

However, before the police arrived, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.

‘Never mind,‘ he said with a hiccup, ‘I got in the back seat by mistake!‘

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he‘s driving a car. The nurse asks him, ‘Charlie, what are you doing?‘

Charlie replied, ‘Driving to Chicago!‘ The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie‘s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, ‘Well Charlie, how are you doing?‘

Charlie says, ‘I just got into Chicago‘.

‘Great,‘ replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie‘s room and goes across the hall into Bob‘s room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks,

‘Bob, what are you doing?!‘

Bob says, ‘I‘m screwing Charlie‘s wife while he‘s in Chicago!‘