Its All About Jokes

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend.

‘I know this midget who wants to buy a horse. He has a slight speech impediment, so listen carefully, I‘m sending him over.‘

The Midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.
‘A female horth,‘ the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. ‘Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?‘ So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse‘s mouth.

‘Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?‘ So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes. ‘OK, what about the earsth?‘
Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.

‘OK, finally, I‘d like to see her twat.‘ With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse‘s twat, then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, ‘Perhapth I should rephrase. I‘d like to see her run!‘

DUMB Questions

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? Why do we sing ‘Take me out to the ball game,‘ when we are already there? Why do your feet smell and your nose runs? Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic…shouldn‘t they already know you‘re coming? Why does it take 15 minutes to cook minute rice? Why doesn‘t glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why doesn‘t Tarzan have a beard? Why don‘t they just use fattest man in the world for a hockey goalie? Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery‘? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? Why is it called a ‘building‘ when it is already built? Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman’s chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why was Evelyn Wood in such a hurry?

DUMB Questions

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? How do you get the ‘Keep off the Grass‘ sign on the grass? How do you get off a non-stop flight? How do you know when you‘ve run out of invisible ink? How do you throw away a garbage can? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman? If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it considered a ham-hock? If a turtle lost his shell, is he homeless or naked? If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe? If blind people wear dark glasses, why don‘t deaf people wear earmuffs? If corn oil is made from corn, where do we get baby oil from? If I save time, when do I get it back? If rabbits‘ feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit? If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers? If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do?

DUMB Questions

A stitch in time saves nine. Nine what? Are there any unguided missiles? Are you breaking the law if you drive past those road signs that say ‘Do Not Pass‘? How can a stupid person be a smart-ass? Do fat people go skinny-dipping or do they call it fat-dipping? Crime doesn‘t pay… does that mean my job is a crime? Day light savings time – why are they saving it and where do they keep it? Do blind dogs have seeing-eye humans? Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims? Do hummingbirds hum because they don’t know the words? Do people in Australia call the rest of the world ‘up over‘? When they asked George Washington for his ID, did he just whip out a quarter? Does a man-eating shark eat women, too? Does that screwdriver really belong to Phillip? How can you tell when it is time to tune your bagpipes? How come wrong numbers are never busy? How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

DUMB Questions

What is a ‘free‘ gift? Aren‘t all gifts free? What makes cheese so confidential that we actually need cheese shredders? Whatever happened to preparations A through G? When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? When cows laugh, does milk come out of their noses? When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to? Where are the germs that cause ‘good’ breath? Where do they get Spring water in the other 3 seasons? Why are all blackboards called that when some of them are green? Why are hemorrhoids called ‘hemorrhoids‘ instead of ‘asteroids‘? Why are they called ‘stands‘ when they’re made for sitting? Why aren’t there ever any guilty bystanders? Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn’t the company just hire taller dancers? Why do people tell you when they are speechless? Why do they give you a tape with a VCR to tell you how to use it? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why do we need training bras? What can we teach them?

DUMB Questions

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? If you can‘t drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots? If you jog backwards, will you gain weight? If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Is it true that cannibals don‘t eat clowns because they taste funny? Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers? Was the pole vault accidentally discovered by a clumsy javelin thrower? What do people in China call their good plates? What do you call a bedroom with no bed in it? What do you call a male ladybug? What do you say if you‘re talking to God, and he sneezes? What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours? What if you‘re in hell, and you‘re mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

One day 3 men went to a shrine to ask the Father for forgivness.

The first man went to the Father and said: ‘ Father, Father I have sinned!‘ Father: ‘What have you done?‘ The first man:‘ I have lied!‘ Father: ‘Drink the Holy water and you will be saved.‘ And so the man drank the water and was ‘saved‘.

Then the second man went up to the Father and said:‘ Father, Father I have sinned!‘ Father: ‘What have you done?‘ The second man: ‘ I have stolen from the jeweler‘s!‘ Father: ‘Drink the Holy water and you will be saved.‘ And so the man drank the holy water and was ‘saved‘.

The third man went up to the Father and said: ‘ Father, Father I have sinned!‘ Father: ‘What have you done?‘ The third man: ‘ I peed in the Holy water!‘

There was a man who traveled all around the world. Every city he stopped in he would buy something for his mother and send it to her. On one such stop he found a parrot that spoke thirty different languages. He immediately bought it and sent it home to his mother.

A few days later he calls his mother. ‘Did you like the parrot?‘ he asked her.

‘Oh yes,‘ she replied. ‘It was delicious.‘

‘WHAT!‘ the man cried. ‘You ate it? That parrot wasn‘t for you to eat! It spoke thirty languages!‘

The mother paused for a moment and then said, ‘So why didn‘t he say something?‘

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, ‘How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?‘

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote -

‘I‘M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!‘

Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief‘s description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an I.D. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, ‘Yeah, that‘s the woman I robbed.‘

Elsewhere…

In Nashville, they tell of Fred ‘Bubba‘ Johnson, the burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police.

Meanwhile…

In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn‘t get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated, he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn‘t fire. Grabbing the cash register, he ran — but got only three feet before falling down. The register was still plugged into the wall… Unplugging it, he tried again, but a regular diner decked him and called police.

And…

In Rhode Island, cops were sure they had the right guy when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts proceeded to pay his $400 bail…entirely in quarters.

Stranger yet….

Texas authorities, responding to a store robbery, seized a man who was fleeing naked. When asked about his choice of attire, he said he‘d stripped after the job because he figured his clothes would make him identifiable. . .

In the Heartland…

Lawrence, Kansas – Officers tracked a midnight thief who prided himself on his running speed by following the red lights on his high-tech tennis shoes. . .

And Finally. . .

In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid I.D. in a 7-Eleven robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said ‘Cedar Woods Apartments‘ and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front. . .