Its All About Jokes

Idiot Sighting…

I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

*** Real courtroom transcipts…courtesy of real idiots. ***
( Oops! My brain just hit a bad sector. )

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the LUMBAR region.

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I‘m divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn‘t know about.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog‘s ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?
What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

Q: Do you drink when you‘re on duty?
A: I don‘t drink when I‘m on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she‘d kill that sonofabitch- and she did!

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

It was July 4th and this guy was roasting a chicken on a rotisserie and had begun to hand-crank it to ensure all areas were evenly done.

It was now getting golden brown and juices were causing some flames to lick the chicken as he turned it.

Just then, a drunk stumbled into the guy‘s yard, looked at the scene and exclaimed…
‘Hey buddy, not only is your music box not making any music, but your monkey‘s on fire!‘

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to
take one item with them to help them occupy their time while
incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, ‘So, what did you
bring?‘

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he
intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the
‘Grandma Moses of Jail‘.

Then he asked the first, ‘What did you bring?‘

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, ‘I brought
cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games.‘

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself.
The other two took notice and asked, ‘Why are you so smug? What did
you bring?‘

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, ‘I brought
these!‘

The other two were puzzled and asked, ‘What on earth can you do with
those?‘

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, ‘Well according to the
box.. I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating….‘

Boredom should NEVER be an symptom in your life. All you need to do is read this list and Rock-N-Roll!
WARNING: Some of these may result in people chasing you. Always wear tennis shows and have your escape route planned out

1: Reply to everything someone says with, ‘that‘s what YOU think!‘

2: Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and re-route entire streets.
(This one is especially useful if you‘re having a yard sale!)

3: Ask people what gender they are. When they reply, ask – ‘are you sure?‘
(Not recommended at Biker Bars)

4: Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and repeatedly saying ‘blah, blah, blah, blah‘.

5: Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
(Works even better if your rent a cop uniform.)

6: Go to your local mall. Walk up to strangers and say: ‘Do you hear that?‘ ‘What?‘ ‘Never mind, it‘s gone now.‘ If they answer you, go to plan 4 above. Be prepared to run real fast

7: Go to the local electronics or appliance store. Adjust the tint on all their TV‘s so that all the people are green. When an employees asks what you‘re doing, insist that you ‘like it that way.‘

8: Drive around your city or town honking at pedestians. Flip them off while driving by. Collect points for reactions:

A: They flip you off – plus 20 points.
B: They wave at you – minus 10 points.
C: No reaction or blank stare – minus 10 points.
D: They trip or run into something while staring – plus 25 points.
Bonus: If they fall down, give yourself 100 points.

Stressed out…try some of these relaxing tidbits

1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
(This one is great to teach neices and nephews!)

2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill.
(Even better to call after doing it and say you didn‘t authorize it and want to know what the hell is going on!)

3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
(This one keeps cats and men occupied for awhile.)

4. When someone says ‘Have a nice day‘ tell them you have other plans.
(Like going the store to stock up on ammunition maybe?)

5. Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are.
(And if she‘s cute, always ask if assistance is available.)

6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
(Not recommended for anyone with a pet Gorilla.)

7. Put your toddler‘s clothes on backwards, and send him/her off to school as if nothing is wrong.
(You can get real creative here…especially if you put a dress on your son.)

8. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.
(Trust me…they‘re in there! I found 70 in just the A‘s!)

Three drunks were sitting at a bar.
The first one said… ‘I went in my daughter‘s room, looked in the drawer and found a pack of cigarettes.‘

He paused. ‘I didn‘t even know she smoked!‘

The second drunk said… ‘I can beat that! I went into my daughters room, looked in the closet and found a case of beer. I didn‘t even know she drank!‘

The first two looked at the third as he begin to speak..
‘I can beat that! I went into my daughter‘s room and looked under her pillow. I found a pack of condoms!!!‘

He paused…
‘I didn‘t even know she had a penis!!!‘

A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first.

‘Tell me,‘ said the doctor, ‘if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life?‘

The inmate said, ‘It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and stressful.‘

‘Wonderful,‘ said the psychiatrist.

‘Or else,‘ continued the patient, ‘I might teach. There is something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of young people.‘

‘Definitely,‘ said the psychiatrist.

‘Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books on science, or I may even write a novel based on my experiences in the psychiatric institution.‘

‘Another interesting possibility,‘ agreed the doctor.

‘And finally, if none of these things appeals to me…
I can always continue to be a teakettle!‘

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient‘s room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand.

Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.

The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.
The patient replied in an irritated fashion, ‘Can‘t you see I‘m sawing this piece of wood in half?‘

The doctor inquired, ‘And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?‘
‘Oh. He‘s my friend, but he‘s a little crazy. He thinks he‘s a lightbulb.‘

The doctor asks, ‘If he‘s your friend, don‘t you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?‘

‘What? And work in the dark!?!‘

Billie and Tillie were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, ‘What ever possessed you to study Russian?‘

The couple said proudly, ‘We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he‘ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him!‘