Its All About Jokes

These ‘Weird Reference Questions‘ are from the Library Paraprofessionals Listserv. All of these are real and provide proof that a ‘better idiot‘ can be invented.

‘Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?‘

‘Do you have that book by Rushdie: ‘Satanic Nurses‘?‘ (Actual title: ‘Satanic Verses‘)

‘I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $
39.
95. Do you know which one it is?‘

‘Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites?‘ hahahaha…what a bone head!

‘Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?‘ hmmm…I don‘t recollect any camera-toting cavemen…do you?

‘I‘m looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I‘m having trouble with it in my neck.‘ (No…that‘s your brain miss-firing.)

‘I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months.‘ (I know…how about shooting yourself? That would get you life in prison!)

‘I need a color photograph of George Washington.‘ (Ok…hold on…I‘ll check with the caveman…)

‘Is the basement upstairs?‘ (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk) This one gets the golden stupidity award!

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. ‘How do they feel?‘ asks the sales clerk.

‘Well they feel a bit tight,‘ replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man‘s feet. ‘Try pulling the tongue out,‘ the clerk says.

‘Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.‘ (DOH!)

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver‘s license?
Driver: I don‘t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner‘s card for this vehicle?
Driver: It‘s not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That‘s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner‘s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There‘s a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That‘s where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There‘s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who‘s car is this?
Driver: It‘s mine, officer. Here‘s the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there‘s a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there‘s no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there‘s a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don‘t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn‘t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?

Driver: Yeah, and I‘ll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.

The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man‘s face.

‘What the heck did you do that for!?!‘ the man screams.

‘Well, you don‘t have the hiccups anymore do you?‘

The man says, ‘No I don‘t, you IDIOT…
But my wife out in the car still does!‘

Why do banks charge you a ‘non-sufficient funds‘ fee on money they already know you don‘t have?

If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

How come there aren‘t B batteries?

If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail at 1000‘s of times per minute, then why do they give it to a little old man on a bike to deliver?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you have tried some of the others?

How do you throw away a garbage can?

How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?

What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?

Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?

Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?

What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you‘re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

What happened to the first 6 ‘ups‘?

A guy is walking along the beach and he stumbles on a Genie Bottle.
He rubs it and out pop two Genies. He makes three wishes. When he gets home, he hears a knock on the door and outside there are 20 beautiful naked women. Walking back inside he sees a briefcase sitting on his coffee table. Opening it he see $20 million dollars.

‘Wow, my first two wishes have come true!‘ he yells.

He gets ready to do his thing with the women when he hears another knock on the door. When he opens the door there are two Ku Klux Klan guys.

First, they beat the him up, then they tar and feather him. Next, they take him out back and lynch him. When the KKK guys are sure he is dead, they take their hoods off to reveal the two Genies!

The first Genie turns to the second and says, ‘You know, I can understand his first two wishes but why would he want to be hung like a black man?‘

Idiot Sighting…

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?‘ I said, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?‘ He smiled and nodded knowingly, ‘That‘s why we ask.‘

Idiot Sighting…

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving!‘

Idiot Sighting…

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver‘s side door. As I watched from the passenger‘s side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. ‘Hey,‘ I announced to the technician, ‘it‘s open!‘ ‘I know,‘ answered the young man. ‘I already got that side…‘

Idiot Sighting…

At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to ‘downsizing,‘ our manager spoke up and said, ‘this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often,‘ Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.