Its All About Jokes

There were 3 guys in a plane. The plane was about to crash.
They each had to throw one item out:

The 1st guy threw out an apple.
The 2nd one threw out a bannana.
The 3rd one threw out a bomb.

There were 3 guys below them. 2 were crying, 1 was laughing.
A guy went up to the 1st one and asked, ‘Why are you crying?‘
He answered, ‘an Apple hit me on the head.

He went up to the 2nd one and asked, ‘Why are you crying?‘
He answered, ‘a Bannana hit me on the head.‘

He went up to the 3rd one and asked, ‘Why are you laughing?‘
He answered, ‘I farted and my house blew up!‘

Bob: Can you see farther during the day or at night?
Joe: During the day of course.
Bob: Wrong! During the day you can only see the sun but at night you can
see the stars.

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There‘s a
knob called ‘brightness‘, but it doesn‘t work.

As you may already know, THE DARWIN AWARDS are bestowed every year upon
(the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice,
has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene
pool.

And now, for this year‘s illustrious winner(s):.. drum roll… John
Pernicky and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington,
decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the Amphitheater at Gorge,
Washington. Having no tickets (but 18 beers among them) they sat in the
parking lot, and after finishing the beer, decided that it would be easy
enough to hop over the nine-foot high fence and sneak into the show.

The two friends pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan
was for John–100 pounds heavier than Sal-to hop over, and then assist his
friend over the fence. Unfortunately for John, there was a 30 foot drop on
the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself
crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted by a large branch
which snagged
him by his shorts.

Dangling from the tree, with one arm broken, John looked down and saw a
group of bushes below him. Figuring the bushes would break his fall, John
removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free
himself from the tree. When finally free, John crashed below into Holly
bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his entire body and now being without
his shorts, he was the unwilling victim of a holly
branch penetrating his rectal cavity. To make matters worse, his pocket
knife proceeded to fall with him and landed three inches into his left
thigh.

Seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, Sal decided to throw him
a rope and pull him to safety. However, weighing about 100 pounds less, he
decided the best course of action would be to tie the rope to the pickup
truck. This is when things went from bad to worse. In his drunken state,
Sal put the truck into the wrong gear, pressed on the gas, and crashed
through the fence, landing on and killing his friend. Sal was thrown from
the truck, suffered massive internal injuries and also died at the scene.

Police arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver thrown 100 feet from
the vehicle and upon moving the truck, a half naked man, with numerous
scratches, a holly stick up his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and a pair of
shorts dangling from the tree branches 25 feet in the air.

Once, there were three guys stranded on an island, and the mainland was 100 miles away.
The first guy swam 25 miles, and drowned.
The second guy swam 50 miles, and drowned.
The third guy swam 99 miles, and said,‘I‘m tired. I think I‘ll swim back.‘

Ring Ring…
Hello, who is it?
Is your phone number 13498732?
No.
So, why did you pick up the phone?

A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, ‘Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!‘

He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can‘t help but wonder why they are chanting ‘Thirteen!‘ over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.

His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.

He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, ‘Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!‘

Three men were flying on a plane over the jungle when it crashed. They were the only people who survived. They decided that starting the next morning one of them would go out and make weapons and see if he could kill anything.

So the next morning the first man went out. He didn‘t come back till about noon. When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the deer back to the plane wreckage. They asked him how he killed it.

He said ‘I find tracks…I follow tracks…I kill deer.‘

So the next morning the second guy set out. He too came back at noon. When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the buffalo he had killed back to the plane wreckage. They asked him how he had killed it.

He said ‘I find tracks…I follow tracks…I kill buffalo.‘

The next morning the third guy went out. The other two were watching and watching for him. When it was almost sundown and he still hadn‘t returned they started getting worried. Then they saw a person stumbling towards them he looked awful, really bad cuts and a broken arm. They went and helped him to the fire they had made and asked him what had happened.

He said ‘I find tracks…I follow tracks…and…I got hit by a train.‘

A Company, feeling it was time for a shape-up, hires a new CEO. The new CEO is determined to rid the company of all unproductive workers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a young chap leaning on a wall and relaxing.

The room is full of workers who were busy working, except for this guy.

The CEO decides to let his staff know that he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, ‘And how much money do you make a week?‘

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, ‘I make
$300.00 a week………Why?‘

The CEO then hands the guy $600 in cash and screams,

‘Here‘s two weeks‘ pay, now GET OUT and don‘t come back!‘.

Surprised and in fear, the guy immediately leaves.

Feeling pretty good about having fired his first worker, the CEO looks
around the room and asks,

‘Does anyone want to tell me which department that worker belonged to?‘

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters,

‘He was the Pizza Delivery guy from Domino‘s.‘