Its All About Jokes

A man walks into the bathroom, and steps up to a urinal. He can‘t help but notice the short man at the urinal next to him, and the large penis this man has.

He says to the short man, ‘Excuse me, I couldn‘t help but notice what a large penis you have.‘ The short man replies, ‘I am a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes.‘

The man is kind of skeptical, but he decides to believe him anyway. ‘OK, ‘He says, ‘I want to live in a mansion.‘ The short man replies, ‘Sure. Tomorrow morning you will wake up in it.‘

The man says, ‘Next, I want a beautiful girlfriend.‘ ‘OK, ‘the short man replies, ‘Tomorrow you will wake up next to her.‘ The man is still not sure whether to believe him, but he continues.

‘I want a penis as large as yours.‘ ‘Alright, but there is one catch, the short man replies. ‘What‘s that, the man asks?‘ ‘I have to have sex with you from behind, the short man says.

The other man thinks for a second, and decides anything is worth getting a penis that large. ‘OK, go right ahead.‘ The short man starts to do his thing, and the other man says, ‘I can‘t believe I‘m gonna have a penis as big as yours.‘

The short man replies, ‘I can‘t believe you thought I was a leprechaun!‘

Some Warning Signs of Insanity

- You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

- You‘re always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.

- Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can‘t understand you through that scuba mask.

- You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you‘ve stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

- You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

- You collect dead windowsill flies.

- Every time the phone rings, you shout, ‘Hey! An angel just got its wings!‘

- You like cats. Especially with mayo.

- You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan‘s Island, because they weren‘t rescued.

- You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they‘ll hatch.

- Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.

- You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

- You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.

- Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it‘s for security reasons.

- Melba toast sexually excites you.

- When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because ‘the napkins have ears.‘

- You tend to agree with everything your mother‘s dead uncle tells you.

- You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.

- Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.

- Nearly everything you say involves the word, ‘P-toing!‘

- You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.

- You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you‘re a stalk.

- You think that exploding wouldn‘t be so bad, once you got used to it.

- People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

Q: What happens when a paranoid has low self-esteem?

A: He thinks that nobody important is out to get him.

Young Boudreaux applied for an engineering job way, way up north in Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The manager went up to Boudreaux and said ‘Thank you for your interest, but we‘ve decided to give the local man the job.‘ Boudreaux said ‘Why you gonna be doin dat sir, we both got 9 questions right?‘

The manager said, ‘We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed.‘

Boudreaux asked ‘An jus how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo betta dan da otter?‘

The manager replied, ‘Simple, the local man put down on question #5, ‘I don‘t know,‘ you put down, ‘neither do I.‘

Once upon a time there were two men who had gone cliff climbing. Suddenly, one man lost his footing and went tumbling down to the bottom. The other man frantically screamed, ‘Roger!‘, and was relieved to hear a faint reply.

‘Okay Rodge,‘ shouted Barry, ‘I‘m gonna throw a rope down to you, so wrap it ‘round one of your legs and..‘ but before he could finish, he heard Roger call ‘But both my legs are broke.‘

Barry suggested his arms, to which the reply was ‘They‘re broken too!‘ So finally, Roger held on with his mouth. Barry struggled to pull up the rope, and when he was nearly there, Barry said, ‘You right there mate?‘ to which Rodger replied,‘YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS……..‘

The problem with keeping an open mind is that all my ideas tend to fall out.

Headline in today‘s newspaper:

‘Suicidal Twin kills sister by mistake‘!

A Dutchman, a German and a Belgian are planning to walk in the desert.
The Dutchman says: ‘I‘ll bring an umbrella for the shade when it gets too hot.‘

The German says: ‘I‘ll bring some sunglasses. This sun can really destroy your eyes!‘

The Belgian remains silent.

Next day, the Dutchman and the German are astonished. ‘What‘s that?‘ they both shout.

The Belgian answers: ‘It‘s a car door. Now I can open the window when it gets hot…‘

Two drunks are driving down the road drinking beer. All of a sudden they see a police car lights flashing in the rear view mirror. ‘What are we going to do?‘ asks the drunk passenger.

‘Don‘t worry, I know what to do. Peel the label off your bottle and stick it to your forehead. Let me do all the talking.‘

They pull over and the cop gets out. ‘May I see your license and your registration?‘ he asks. The guy gives him his license. ‘Have you been drinking?‘ ‘No officer. We haven‘t.‘

‘Well, you were weaving back and forth. Are you sure you haven‘t had anything to drink?‘ The officer asked.

‘I swear officer. I haven‘t had a sip.‘

‘Well, why do you have beer labels on your foreheads?‘

The man answers, ‘These aren‘t labels. We are alcoholics, and we‘re on the patch.‘

The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well
behaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The General Manager of
the club was a little leery of this. When the Recreational Director
said: ‘If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let
them in?‘ The General Director agreed.

The group of inmates came in and sat down. The Recreational Director
shouted: ‘Stand up, nuts!‘ Everyone stood up. ‘Sit down, nuts!‘
Everyone sat down. ‘Look behind you, nuts!‘ Everyone turned around.

Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in. About the third
inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion! People were running
helter skelter. He asked what happened and was told that someone had
called out: ‘Peanuts!‘