Its All About Jokes

Four guys were in an airplane, which was going down in flames. There were only 3 parachutes, though.

The reverand says ‘I should go! everybody needs religion!‘ they agree and he jumps.

Another guy says ‘I‘m the smartest man on earth! If I die, everyone goes broke!‘ so he jumps.

The old guy says to the hipee ‘I am old, and you have a whole life ahead of you, so you jump.‘

But the hipee replies ‘Chill dude! We can both go! the smartest man on earth forgot the parachute!‘

‘Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.‘

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press
2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and
6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn‘t matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Schizophrenia — Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality — We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Dementia — I Think I‘ll Be Home For Christmas

Narcissistic — Hark the Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

Mania — Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and… or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expenses

Borderline Personality — Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire

Paranoia — Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me

Personality Disorder — You Better Watch Out, I‘m Gonna Cry. I‘m Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I‘ll Tell You Why

Depression — Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia. All is Calm, All is Pretty Lonely

Obsessive Compulsive — Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock…

Passive Aggressive — On the First Day of Christmas My Mother Gave to Me… (And Then Took it All Away)

A supply of Viagra was stolen last night, police are looking for two hardened criminals and they can expect stiff sentences when caught!

Once, there were two bikers driving down the highway on a cold afternoon.

‘Man! commented one… it‘s FREEZING!!! and my coat won‘t zip up. The cold air is killing me!!‘

The other biker thought for a minute as they sped down the road. ‘Well, he said at last… you can turn your jacket around, then the open side would be at the back. You wouldn‘t get so cold that way.‘

‘Great idea!‘ commented the other. ‘stop and let me switch.‘

The driver pulled over, and the passenger put his jacket on backwards.

‘There! he said when he had completed the switch. ‘I feel better already.‘

The two of them climbed back on the motorcycle and drove off. Then, suddenly they hit a patch of ice on the road, and spun off and crashed. A few minutes later a crowd had gathered, and when the ambulance arrived, the EMTs shouted out ‘Is anybody hurt?‘

One guy from the crowd replied ‘Well, the driver was dead when I got here, and the other guy was doing alright until we fixed his head.‘

Here are some people who should not be allowed to venture into society:

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other‘s head.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film‘s depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged over the courthouse intercom. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message ‘He‘s lying‘ was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn‘t telling the truth.

Believing the ‘lie detector‘ was working, the suspect confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was ‘tired of walking,‘ stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

14 Things to do While Taking a Driver‘s Test

1. Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.

2. Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, ‘buckle up!‘
3. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of saran wrap down so he doesn‘t dirty the seat.
4. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say ‘oops‘.
5. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, ‘now which one is the gas again?‘
6. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.
7. Fill your car with beer bottles.
8. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.
9. Tell the Registrar that you are taking the remedial test.
10. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
11. Swear at everybody on the road.
12. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.
13. Beep your horn at everything.
14. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.

Some useful descriptions of people you may come into contact with from day to day.
1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn‘t watching.
3. A room temperature IQ.
4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
5. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
6. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
7. Bright as Alaska in December.
8. During evolution, his ancestors were in the control group.
9. Fell out of the family tree.
10. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn‘t coming.
11. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
12. He‘s so dense, the light bends around him.
13. If he were any more stupid, he‘d have to be watered twice a week.
14. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
15. It‘s hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.
16. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
17. Takes him a hour-and-a-half to watch ‘60 Minutes‘.
18. One burger short of a happy meal.

Vito and Vladimir

There were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Italian (Vito) and the other was Russian (Vladimir). Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular guy on the beach. But Vladimir had no success.

Vladimir: ‘Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?‘ Vito: ‘Well, I‘ll tell ya! But it‘s a secret . . just between you and me. I don‘t want my system to become too public.‘

Vladimir : ‘OK. It‘s a deal.‘

Vito: ‘You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedo. When the women see it, they come running from miles around.‘

Vladimir : ‘That‘s it? I can do that.‘

The next day, Vladimir went over to the produce stand and picked out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedo. As he walked out onto the beach, he immediately noticed that women . . .and men began to notice him. ‘It‘s working, he thought.‘ But soon he began to realize that they were not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight of him.

He rushed over to Vito and asked ‘Vito, what‘s the problem? Why isn‘t it working?‘

Vito: ‘Because you‘re supposed to put the potato in the FRONT!!‘

Two guys were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when one turned to the other and said he needed to go to the bathroom. So they stopped the truck and he went behind the bushes. When he came back the other said ‘That was fast.‘

‘Well I need to take a shit but I‘ve got nothing to wipe my ass with.‘

The other answers, ‘That‘s easy just go on back, pull out a dollar, and wipe your ass with it.‘

‘O.K.‘ he says as he goes back over to the bush.

Later he comes back with a really upset look on his face and shit all over his hands and says ‘That was a terrible idea.

Not only did I get shit all over me, I‘ve got 10 Dimes Stuck up my ass!‘