Its All About Jokes

Below are questions that people ‘actually asked‘ of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity.
(Source: Outside Magazine)

Grand Canyon National Park…
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom — where is it?
So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park…
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o‘clock bus leave?

Denali National Park (Alaska)…
What time do you feed the bears?
Can you show me where the yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Mesa Verde National Park…
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
What did they worship in the kivas — their own made-up religion?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park…
How much of the cave is underground?
So what‘s in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this — just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park…
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

Yellowstone National Park…
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

The Rookie Cop…

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, ‘Let‘s get off the corner people.‘
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again…
‘I SAID, let‘s get off that corner… NOW!‘

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, ‘Well, how did I do?‘

Pretty good,‘ chuckled the vet, ‘especially since this is a bus stop!‘

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out… a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her.
Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn‘t shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said, ‘What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!‘

The other bum says, ‘Well, I dunno. Let me ask him -
HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?‘

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone – ‘Get me a coffee, quickly!‘

The voice from the other side responded, ‘You fool you‘ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you‘re talking to, dumbo?‘

‘No,‘ replied the trainee.
‘It‘s the CEO of the company, you fool!‘

The trainee shouts back, ‘And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!‘
‘No.‘ replied the CEO indignantly.

‘Good!‘ replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk, ‘I‘d like to register my new invention. It‘s a folding bottle.‘

‘OK,‘ says the clerk. ‘What do you call it?‘
‘A fottle, replies the inventor.‘
‘A fottle? That‘s a stupid! Can‘t you think of something else?‘

‘I can think about it. I‘ve got something else though. It‘s a folding carton.‘
‘And what do you call that?‘ asks the clerk.

‘A farton‘, replies the inventor.
‘That‘s rude. You can‘t possibly call it that!‘

‘In that case,‘ says the inventor…
‘You‘re really going to hate the name of my folding bucket.‘

BOY : Since we met, I can‘t eat or drink…
GIRL : Why not ??
BOY : I‘m broke.

BOY : May I hold your hand??
GIRL : No thanks, it isn‘t heavy.

GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??
BOY : What time was it??

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me…

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what‘s your phone number??

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
BOY : Don‘t you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He‘d forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman : Because I‘m wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : NO, because you make me sick.

Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out
of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

Mary : John says I‘m pretty. Andy says I‘m ugly. What do u think, Peter?
Peter : A bit of both. I think you‘re pretty ugly.

Jimmy : Mom, can I have two piece of cake?
Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.

Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I comfortable seated.
Lily : So what do you do?
Sam : I close my eyes.

Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water?
Pupil : No, Sir. They haven‘t finished the water I gave them last week.

Mom : Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?
Son : Well, it‘s a sponge cake, isn‘t it?

It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. ‘What are you charged with?‘ he asked.
‘Doing my Christmas shopping early,‘ replied the defendant.
‘That‘s no offense,‘ replied the judge. ‘How early were you doing this shopping?‘
‘Before the store opened,‘ countered the prisoner.

Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here‘s how…

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Doesn‘t have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn‘t know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn‘t go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
His belt doesn‘t go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Surfing in Nebraska.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn‘t pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don‘t have.
I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife‘s face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law, and headed over the embankment.
I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to
appear for a minor traffic summons.

He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

‘WHAT FOR?!?!?‘ he snapped at the judge.

The Judge, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: ‘Twenty dollars contempt of court! That‘s why!‘

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:
‘That‘s all right. You don‘t have to pay now.‘

The guy replied…
‘I know – I‘m just seeing if I have enough for 2 more words!‘

A young wife, her boorish husband and a good-looking sailor were ship-wrecked on an island and had already been there for awhile.

One morning the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled – ‘Stop fucking her down there!‘

‘What‘s the matter with you?‘ asked the husband after the sailor came back down. ‘We weren‘t doing anything.‘

‘Sorry,‘ said the sailor. ‘from up there it looked like you were.‘

Every morning after that, the sailor scaled the small tree and yelled the same thing. Finally, the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

‘By golly, he‘s right,‘ said the husband. ‘It DOES look like they‘re fucking down there!‘