Its All About Jokes

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, ‘What are the grounds for your divorce?‘ She replied, ‘About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.‘ ‘No,‘ he said, ‘I mean what is the foundation of this case?‘ ‘It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,‘ she responded. ‘I mean,‘ he continued, ‘What are your relations like?‘ ‘I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband‘s parents.‘ He said, ‘Do you have a real grudge?‘ ‘No,‘ she replied, ‘We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.‘ ‘Please,‘ he tried again, ‘is there any infidelity in your marriage?‘ ‘Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don‘t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.‘ ‘Ma‘am, does your husband ever beat you up?‘ ‘Yes,‘ she responded, ‘about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.‘ Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, ‘Lady, why do you want a divorce?‘ ‘Oh, I don‘t want a divorce,‘ she replied. ‘I‘ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can‘t communicate with me!‘

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn‘t donate even a cent to a charity.

The Lawyer responds, “Yeah, well if I‘m not giving them any money, why should I give you any?“

A couple was planning on getting married. Seeing how they didn‘t

have much money to go on a honeymoon, they decided tojust go back

to their new apartment after the wedding.

The groom had three close friends, that were prone to committing

practical jokes. One being a carpenter, the other a ordinary guy,

and the third a dentist.

They all decided to pull practical jokes on their newly married

friends. The carpenter decided he would cut the slats in the bed

so that when they climbed into bed, the bed would collapse. The

ordinary guy decided to short sheet the bed, so that when they got

into it their feet wouldn‘t reach the bottom. The dentist chuckled

and wouldn‘t tell anyone what he planned to do.

A week later the 3 friends all received letters in the mail. “Dear

friends, we didn‘t mind the fact that when we got into bed, the

bed collapsed, or the guy that short sheeted it, but I‘m gonna kill

the bastard that put the novacaine in the vaseline!“

“I was born in California.“

“Which part?“

“All of me. My mother says“

A banker, confused with maths, asked his secretary:

If I give you $3 million less 5%, how much would you take-off?

Sec: Everything, sir !!!

Charlie was a very successful marketing director. Sadly, his wife Rita dies. At the cemetery, Joe‘s friends and family are appalled to see that the headstone reads:

“Here lies Rita, wife of Charlie, MCIM, Post Graduate Diploma in Marketing and Marketing Director of Quality Marketing Services Ltd.“

Charlie was standing in front of Rita‘s grave reading the headstone when he suddenly burst into tears.

His brother says to him, “I‘m not at all surprised that you find this distasteful. It‘s right that you should cry, pulling a cheap stunt like this on our Rita‘s headstone.“

Through his tears, Joe sobs, “You don‘t understand. They left out the phone number.“

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girl friend with the following note:

“I don‘t remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back.“

A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can`t hear him.

“How bad is it?“ the doctor asks.

“I have no idea“, says the husband.

“Well, please test her. Stand 20 feet away from her and say something. If she doesn`t hear you, get closer and say the same thing. Keep moving closer repeating the comment until she does hear you. That way we`ll have an idea of her range of hearing loss.“

So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner.

From 20 feet: “What are we having for dinner?“

No answer. From 10 feet, same thing. From 5 feet, same thing. Finally he`s standing right behind her …

“What`s for dinner?“

She turns around, looks at him and says “For the FOURTH time … BEEF STEW!“

Dear Manager,

Thank you for your letter of April 25th. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a position in your company.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your companies outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position in your department this August.

I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,

Interviewee