Its All About Jokes

This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on. The bartender goes, ‘Where’d you get the great shirt mate?’ The man replies, ‘David Jones.’ This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender goes ‘Where’d you get the great pants mate?’ The man replies, ‘ David Jones.’ This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and sock on. The bartender goes, ‘Where’d you get the great shoes and socks mate?’ The man replies, ‘David Jones.’ Then this 4th guy runs in naked and the bartender goes, ‘Look Who the hell are you mate?’ And the naked guy says, ‘I’m David Jones!’

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible.

What‘s the problem?“

“My mother died in June,“ he said, “and left me $10,000.“

“Gee, that‘s tough,“ he replied.

“Then in July,“ the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $50,000.“

“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you‘re depressed.“

“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.“

“Three close family members lost in three months?

How sad.“

“Then this month,“ continued, the friend, “nothing! “

You see a Gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I am very rich. Marry me!“
That‘s Direct Marketing.

That‘s Customer Feedback.

Operator: “Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your…“

Customer: “Hello, can I order..“

Operator : “Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?“

Customer: “It‘s eh.., hold……….on……889861356102049998-45-54610“

Operator : “OK… you r Mr Singh and you‘re calling from 17 Jalan Kayu.

Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566.

Which number are you calling from now Sir?“

Customer: “Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator : “We are connected to the system Sir“

Customer: “May I order your Seafood Pizza…“

Operator : “That‘s not a good idea Sir“

Customer: “How come?“

Operator : “According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir“

Customer: “What?… What do you recommend then?“

Operator : “Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You‘ll like it“

Customer: “How do you know for sure?“

Operator : “You borrowed a book entitled “Popular Hokkien Dishes“ from the

National Library last week Sir“

Customer: “OK I give up… Give me three family size ones then, how much

will that cost?“

Operator : “That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir.

The total is $49.9! 9“

Customer: “Can I pay by! credit card?“

Operator : “I‘m afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir.

Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year.

That‘s not including the late payment charges on your housing loan,Sir.“

Customer: “I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives“

Operator : “You can‘t Sir. Based on the records,you‘ve reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today“

Customer: “Never mind just send the pizzas, I‘ll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?“

Operator : “About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can‘t wait you can always come

and collect it on your motorcycle…“

Customer: “ What!“

Operator : “According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,…registration number 1123…“

Customer: “ ????“

Operator : “Is there anything else Sir?“

Customer: “Nothing.! .. by the way… aren‘t you giving me that 3 free

bottles of cola as advertised?“

Operator : “We normally would Sir, but based on your records you r also diabetic……. “

Customer: “***%&$%%### You $##$%%@!)))“

Operator: “Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you

were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman…?“

Customer: Faints…

The Maid asked for a pay raise.

Madam was very upset about this and asked:

Mary: ‘No Madam, the chauffeur did.

‘SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE

After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor‘s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit was obviously dead. Chris panicked!

“If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, they‘ll hate me forever,“ he thought.

So he took the dirty deceased rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur. Chris knew his neighbors kept their backdoor open during the summer, so he sneaked inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes.

A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside.

“Did you hear that Fluffy died?“ the neighbor asked.

“Oh. Uhmm… Sorry to hear that. What happened?“ Chris mumbled.

The neighbor replied, “We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage! There are some really sick people out there!“

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife “Mother of Six“ in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it‘s time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, ‘Shall we go home now Mother of Six?“

His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, “Anytime you‘re ready, Father of Four!“

How do you get pikachu on to a boat? You pokemon

Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air. He got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon a hole. Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound. So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound. The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound. As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in. No sound. He sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole. He listened, but there was no sound. He sat down again. A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up. The man asked him, ‘How deep is this hole?‘ The farmer said, ‘Oh. Thats the bottomless pit. It never ends. Say, have you seen my prize goat?‘ The man, not wanting to g et the blame, said, ‘No.‘ The farmer said, ‘Oh well. He can‘t get far. He was tied to a railroad beam.‘

There was a guy walking down the street in San Francisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. POOF! A genie popped out of his pocket!The very angry looking Genie said, ‘All right, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and ‘cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!‘ The surprised man said, ‘OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii.‘ The genie replied with a smirk, ‘Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it wou ld take for the highway? No I‘m sorry, it just can‘t happen.‘ The man said, ‘Fine then, I want to understand women.‘ The genie said, ‘ Would you like two lanes or four?

Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man available. He was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for the last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket – clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the Rod). When Benny arrived at Louie‘s office, the question was put to him.‘So what‘s the story with you and this here gun of yours, eh? Like, are you scared or somethin‘ or you just want to always be ready or what?‘Not scared …‘ Benny growled, ‘been doin‘ it dis way ever since me sister-in-law‘s weddin‘ ‘bout ten ten years ago now‘.‘Oh yeah? … so …?‘Wel l, I used ta know her fiance at da time – a no good chisler. He never even loved the goil so much … but he made her happy and so I kept me mouth shut about it‘, Benny explained.Louie leaned in, expecting the point of the matter.‘And since dat time I gotta do it dis way‘.‘But WHY?!‘, Louie finally demanded?‘Well, I was at da wedding‘, grumbled Benny, and I wasn‘t about to say nuttin‘ about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said …‘Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!‘