Its All About Jokes

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain; and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party after all. In as much as her husband didn‘t know what costume she‘d be wearing, she thought she‘d have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she wasn‘t around.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every chick he could, getting a little kiss here and a warm squeeze there. His wife went up to him and being rather seductive herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to this new babe who had just arrived.

She let him do whatever he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and they did it all! Zowie! Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in. She asked how the evening had been? He said ‘Oh, the same old thing. You know, I never have a good time when you‘re not there.‘ Then she asked, ‘Did you dance much?‘

He replied, ‘You know, I didn‘t dance even one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But I‘ll tell you…from what I heard, the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!‘

Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men?

They would have asked directions,

arrived on time,

helped deliver the baby,

cleaned the stable,

made a casserole, and,

brought practical gifts.

Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the White House,
Al Gore was eyeing Hillary, peering into her blouse.
The Secret Service were guarding the premises with care,
for a whole host of Democrats were vacationing there.

Chelsea was nestled all snug in her bed,
Dirty thoughts swam around Mr. Kennedy‘s head.
And Bill in his sportcoat; a heavy gray tweed,
Had just fried his brain with some Mexican weed.

When out in the garden came a plethora of noise,
All drunken and rowdy: ‘twas Newt and the boys!
Bill jumped to the window, and tore open the sash,
It‘s a raid boys! he cried, Quick go hide my stash!

The pot in his blood and the moon on the snow,
Gave a psychedelic haze to the the objects below.
When what to Bill‘s frantic eyes should appear,
But a slew of Republicans and a keg of beer.

With a big House leader, all lively and fat:
He knew it was Newt, the proponent of GATT!
A viscous as vipers, the Republicans came.
And Bill recognized them and called them by name.

Hey Helms, hey Thurmond! hey Packwood and Hatch!
Hey Dole and Pataki, it‘s time for a bash!
A collective cheer rose out from the crowd,
Let‘s listen to Nugent, and turn it up loud!

Together Dems and Republicans danced and sang out in cheer.
Screw health care and Haiti, it‘s time to drink beer!
When from the chimney, came a big black cloud of soot,
As Limbaugh danced from the fireplace in a red Santa suit.

He moved through the crowd, then held up his hand.
And when all was silent, he did a keg stand.
And the crowd raised their cups, as Newt bowed down it prayer,
And champagne flowed freely, just like welfare.

As Kennedy and Reno romped in the Green Room,
The rest of the crooks outlined their plan of doom.
We‘ll pray in the schools, shove it down their throats!
More welfare, more taxes, we‘ll still get the votes!

And they drank, hugged and danced, and they crossed party lines.
They cheered, It doesn‘t matter, we‘re all bastard swines!
So they threw out allegiance and partisan crap.
And they took turns sitting on the Presidnet‘s lap.

And Gephardt and Dole passed out on the lawn,
And awoke in the morning without their pants on.
And Packwood gave Tipper a pat on the rear,
While Judge Thomas and Miss Hill went out for more beer.

Then the party-ers discovered a sight so touching and cute,
President Clinton fast asleep, snuggled up to Newt.
Santa Limbaugh smiled and threw up on his boots,
A merry Clinton to all, and to a good Newt!

As a little boy climbed onto Santa‘s lap, Santa asked the usual, ‘And what would you like for Christmas?‘

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, ‘Didn‘t you get my E-mail?‘

One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip… but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

Then when he went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas Tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas Santa. Isn‘t it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you, Isn‘t it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?‘

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas Tree

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.

She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, ‘what are you supposed to say sweetheart?‘

The little girl looks up at the woman and says ‘Twick or Tweat!‘

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, ‘Go ahead honey say it just one more time.‘

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, ‘Twick or Tweat!‘

The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl‘s Treat Bag.

The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, ‘Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!‘

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won‘t stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ‘I have a question to ask you but I don‘t want to offend you.

She answers, ‘My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you‘re as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I‘m sure that there‘s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.‘

‘Well, I‘ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.‘

She responds, ‘Well, let‘s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic.‘

The cab driver is very excited and says, ‘Yes, I am single and I‘m Catholic too!‘

The nun says ‘OK, pull into the next alley.‘

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. ‘My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?‘

‘Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I‘m married and I‘m Jewish.‘

The nun says, ‘That‘s OK, my name is Kevin and I‘m on my way to a Halloween party.‘

- Go buy a turkey
- Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD
- Put turkey in the oven
- Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
- Set the degree at 375 ovens
- Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
- Turn oven the on
- Take 4 whisks of drinky
- Turk the bastey
- Whiskey another bottle of get
- Stick a turkey in the thermometer
- Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
- Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
- Take the oven out of the turkey
- Take the oven out of the turkey
- Floor the turkey up off of the pick
- Turk the carvey
- Get yourself another scottle of botch
- Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
- Bless the saying, pass and eat out

A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist if she can get two tattoos.

The artist says, ‘Sure.‘

She tells him that on her left inner thigh she would like a turkey, and beneath it she would like it to say ‘Happy Thanksgiving.‘ On her right inner thigh, she says that she wants a picture of Santa Claus, and beneath that she would like it to say, ‘Merry Christmas.‘

Obliging his customer, the artist gives her the two tattoos, and after he is finished, he asks her why she wanted them. She told him that she was sick of her husband saying there was nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.