Its All About Jokes

Did you hear that Oprah Winfrey was arrested
at the airport for drug smuggling?

It seems she bent over and someone saw fifty
pounds of crack….

One year at halloween the governor was giving a costume
party. All the gentry were there and as they arrived the
doorman would announce what there characters were.

When one couple arrived he announced ‘Mickey and Minnie
Mouse‘.

As the next couple arrived he announced ‘Tarzan and Jane‘
and so on as each guest arrived.

Later in the evening a man arrived dressed only in a pair of
underpants but apart from that totally naked from head to toe.

‘Who do you think you are?‘ demanded the doorman. Having
ascertained that the man was indeed an invited guest from the
local university CS department The doorman asked ‘How
shall I announce you?‘

The man said, ‘I‘m premature ejaculation‘

‘I‘m very sorry sir‘, said the doorman in obvious shock, ‘I
cannot announce anything like that to such a gathering.‘

‘O.K.‘ said the professor. ‘Just say I came in my pants‘

There was this little boy who went in the whore house with a
dead frog on a leash. He went to the counter and asked the
pimp for a whore with aids, the man knew he was young but the
boy said ‘please mister, just give me a whore with aids, i
have money thats no problem‘ the man was like ok ‘if you have
the money‘. So the boy went in and fucked the whore and came
out smiling to the man at the counter. The guy didn‘t understnad
why he was so happy. ‘its a long story‘ the boy said. ‘tell me,
i can wait‘ hte man said impaciently. ‘ok‘ the boy says ‘i have
aids now right? well–i‘ll go home and screw the babysitter…
she‘ll get aids, then my dad will come homw and screw her…
he‘ll get aids, my dad will screw my mom…she‘ll get aids.
Then my mom will then screw the milk man

…..and he‘s the son of a bitch that ran over my frog!‘

sent by Alaine

10 year old Timmy comes home from daycare and tells his mom that he thinks
his babysitter is gay.

‘Whatever makes you think THAT?!!?‘ says mom.

Timmy replies, ‘Because his dick tasted like shit!‘

CHOCOLATE By John Scalzi

Chocolate is God‘s way of reminding men how inadequate they are. I am
vividly confronted with this fact every time my wife and I go out to a
restaurant.
When it gets to dessert, my wife usually orders the most
chocolate-saturated dessert possible: It‘s the one called ‘Unstoppable
Double-Fudge Chocolate Mudslide Explosion‘ or some such thing. I
always wonder why anyone would want to eat anything that promises a
catastrophic natural disaster in your mouth.
The dark brown monstrosity arrives at the table, and my wife takes the
first bite. Before the fork is even removed from her mouth, a small
moan escapes her lips. Her eyes, previously perfectly aligned, first
cross slightly and then faze completely, pupils dilating in pure
chocolate pleasure before the eyelids clamp down in ecstasy. The hand
not holding the fork clenches into a fist and starts pounding the
table. The silverware rattles.
After about six minutes of this, she finally manages to swallow the
bite, realign her eyes, and take the next shuttle back from whatever
transcendental plane she‘s been visiting. Slowly, her sphere of
consciousness expands to include me, her husband, her life-long mate,
her presumed partner in all things ecstatic.
‘Hey, this is pretty good,‘ she‘ll say. ‘You want some?‘
No, I don‘t. I want nothing to do with an object that does to my wife
in one bite what I‘ve worked for an entire relationship to achieve. It
wouldn‘t do any good, anyway. Men just don‘t have the same
relationship with chocolate that women do. It‘s not even close. I
wandered around the office today and asked men — ‘Chocolate. Your
thoughts?‘ — and the result was always the same. First, a confused
look as to why they‘re being asked about something so trivial, and
then some lame, obvious statement: ‘Uh…it‘s brown?‘
Ask women the same question, and you get responses like ‘The ONLY food
group,‘ ‘ESSENTIAL to life as we know it,‘ and the ultimate casual
swipe at every member of the Y-chromosome brigade, ‘better than sex.‘
Ouch. Some women will try to make up for that last one by quickly
adding that chocolate is supposed to be an aphrodisiac.
Uh-huh. Chocolate certainly increases desire; problem is the desire is
usually for more chocolate. The best a guy can do is buy a box of
chocolates and hope he‘ll be considered somewhere between the cherry
truffle and the strawberry nougat.
Don‘t get me wrong. Guys like chocolate just fine; it‘s just not
essential to life as we know it.
Respiration is essential to life as we know it; chocolate is simply
one of those nice little bonuses you get. We won‘t usually pass it up
if it‘s offered, but I don‘t know too many guys who would get
substantially worked up if it were to suddenly disappear from the face
of the earth (ironic in a way, as back in the days of the Aztecs, only
men were allowed to have the stuff). When I eat a chocolate dessert, I
enjoy it, yes. My world view doesn‘t narrow to include only the plate
that it‘s on.
Maybe we‘re missing something. On the other hand, we don‘t have to
pick up our silverware from the floor after we‘re done with our
tiramisu. Life is about trade-offs like that. All I know is that come
Valentine‘s Day, chocolate will be among the things I offer my wife. I
can‘t truly appreciate it, but I can truly appreciate what it does for
her. Which is close enough.

copyright(c) John Scalzi

John Scalzi is a columnist and humorist living in Virginia. For more
columns and essays, visit his website: www.scalzi.com

A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his
testicles are. ‘Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life,‘ he
tells her, by way of poetic concealment.

She tells this to her mother, who replies, ‘Did he say anything
about that dead branch they‘re hanging on?‘

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a
hamburger.
The huge guy behind the counter bellows, ‘ONE BURGER!‘
The cook, who‘s even bigger, screams, ‘BUR-GER!‘
Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in
his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat,
and tosses it on the grill.
The old lady says, ‘That‘s the most disgusting thing I‘ve ever
seen!‘
The counterman says, ‘Yeah? You should be here in the
morning when he makes the doughnuts!‘and orders a
hamburger.
The huge guy behind the counter bellows, ‘ONE BURGER!‘
The cook, who‘s even bigger, screams, ‘BUR-GER!‘
Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in
his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat,
and tosses it on the grill.
The old lady says, ‘That‘s the most disgusting thing I‘ve ever
seen!‘
The counterman says, ‘Yeah? You should be here in the
morning when he makes the doughnuts!‘

The husband, tired of a listless sex life came right out and asked his
wife during a recent love-making session, ‘How come you never tell me
when you have an orgasm ?‘

She looked him rite in the eye and said, ‘You‘re never home !‘

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing
tour with a very rich African king who was a very important
client.
The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary
is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her,
…don‘t reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to
dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, ‘I will only marry you
under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat
diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara.‘
The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, ‘No
problem!! I have. I have.‘
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, ‘I
want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I
want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France.‘
The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and
calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods
his head and says, ‘Okay, okay. I build. I build.‘
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that
she‘d better make this a good one. She takes her time to
think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints
her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, ‘Since I like sex, I
want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis.‘
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests
his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African
dialect.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking
really sad, and says to the woman, ‘Okay, okay. I cut. I
cut.‘

The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in
less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the ‘other man‘.

The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the
scene. Being a man of the 90‘s and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like
manner.

He sent the following e-mail to his wife‘s lover:

Sir,
It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my
wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday
next.

The ‘other man‘ was highly amused by the husband‘s formal manner and sent off the following reply at once:

Dear Sir,
I have received a copy of your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the
scheduled conference in your Office‘s auditorium.