Its All About Jokes

Dec. 8 5:00 p.m. – It‘s starting to snow, the first of
the season, and the wife and I took our buttered rum and sat
by the window watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging
to the trees and covering the ground. It was so beautiful.

Dec. 9 – We awoke to a big beautiful blanket of crystal
white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight.
Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantel.
I shoveled snow for the first time in years, and I loved it.
I did both our driveway and our sidewalks. Later the
snowplow came along and covered up our driveway with
compacted snow from the street. He smiled and I waved back.
I shoveled it again.

Dec. 12 – The sun has melted most of our lovely snow. Oh
well, I‘m sure we‘ll get a little more before this lovely
winter is over.

Dec. 14 – It snowed 8 inches last night and the temperature
dropped to about 0 degrees. Shoveled the sidewalk and
driveway again. Shortly the snowplow came by and did his
trick again.

Dec. 15 – Sold our car and bought a 4×4 Blazer so we could
get through the snow. Bought snow tires for the truck.

Dec. 18 – Fell on my Ass on the ice in the driveway. $23.00
to the chiropractor, but nothing was broken, thank God! The
damn sky is getting dark again.

Dec. 19 – Still cold (-10 this a.m.) Icy roads making for
very tough driving. Slid into a guard rail with my wife‘s
car. Probably a $100.00 damage or so. She‘s pissed-off.

Dec. 20 – Had another 14 inches of the white shit last
night. More shoveling in store for me today. That damned
snowplow came by twice.

Dec. 22 – We are assured of a white Christmas because
another 7 inches of that white shit fell today and with this
freezing weather it won‘t melt till August! Got all dressed
up to go out and shovel that shit again. (Boots, snowsuit,
jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves, etc…) then got the urge to
pee.

Dec 24 – If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives
that snowplow, I‘ll drag him through the snow by his balls.
I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to
finish shovelling and then comes down the street 100 miles
an hour and throws that white shit everywhere.

Dec. 25 – MERRY CHRISTMAS… they predict 12 more inches of
the fucking white stuff tonight. Does anyone know how many
damned shovels full of snow 12 inches is? To hell with
Santa, he doesn‘t have to shovel that white shit. The
snowplow driver came by asking for a donation. I hit him
with my ice axe.

Dec. 28 – We got 11 more inches. I must be going snowblind
or have a severe case of depression.

Dec. 29 – The toilet froze and the roof is starting to
cave-in. If you go outside, don‘t eat the brown snow.

Dec. 30 – I torched the damned house … moving back to
Florida!

There was this guy walking down the road when he noticed a night club
ahead. He went in, went up to the bar and asked for a drink. The bar owner,
who was tending bar, said, ‘I‘ve never seen you in her before.‘

The guy says, ‘Yes, I‘m not from around here. I‘m just passing through on my
way to find a job.‘

The owner asks, ‘What do you do?‘

The guy says, ‘I write music and play the piano.‘

The owner, looking excited says, ‘REALLY! I have an ad in the paper looking
for
someone to play my piano. Please sit down at the keyboard and play for me
if you‘re interested.‘

The guy does and as he plays the piano the owner is in awe of his talent
and musical abilities. The owner says, ‘You play the piano more beautifully
than anyone I have ever heard! What is the name of that song?‘

The guy says, ‘I wrote that song and the name is Two Lesbians Fucking Their
Brains Out.‘

The owner gasps and is taken back. He says, ‘My gosh, that‘s a terrible name
for such a beautiful song. Do you know any others?‘

The guy smiles and plays again. Once more the owner is astounded by this
guy‘s talent and musical abilities. He‘s almost afraid to ask but he does
ask what the name of the song he just played.

The guy answers, ‘I Fucked Her All Night Until She Couldn‘t Take Anymore.‘

The owner again was shocked. The owner says, ‘Ok, you play beautifully and
the songs you have written are incrediable. I will hire you, but you have
to promise not to tell the name of your songs to the patrons.‘ The guy
agrees.

That night the guy was playing the piano and the crowd was just as amazed
as the owner was with this man‘s musical abilities. After playing two
songs the crowd stood up and applauded. The guy was really pleased and
stood up to take a bow. When he stood up and faced the audience, it was
apparent that his zipper was open and his dick and balls were hanging out.

One of the patrons close to the piano says, ‘Sir, do you know your dick and
balls are hanging out?‘

The guy smiles and says, ‘KNOW IT, I WROTE IT!‘

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be
judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he
could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and
God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the
only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500
pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and
enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an
eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman,
pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead.
Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with.
When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on,
and Carlos replied, ‘I cheated on my income taxes and
scammed the government out of a lot of money…even more
then you did.‘ They both shook their heads in understanding
and figured that as long as they have to be with these women,
they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking
along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could
have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this
man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel /
centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and
in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with
this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these
god-awful women.

Jon replied, ‘I have no idea, and I‘m definitely not complaining.
This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I‘m
dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope
for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can‘t seem
to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and
murmur‘s to herself, ‘Damn income taxes!‘

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband
liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the
husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that
morning and took a nap.

While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was
not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the
boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside
the woman‘s boat and asks her what she‘s doing? She says,
‘Reading my book.‘

The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area
and she explains that she‘s not fishing. To which he replied,
‘But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and
write you up!‘

Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady
told the warden, ‘If you do that, I will charge you with rape.‘

The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, ‘But I didn‘t
even touch you.‘

To which the lady replied, ‘Yes; but you have all the
equipment!‘

Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot,
were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.
Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves
standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St
Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

‘Gentlemen,‘ the Devil started, ‘Due to the fact that
Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to
limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of
you can ask me a question which I don‘t know or cannot
answer, then you‘re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not,
then you‘ll come with me to Hell.‘

The philosopher then stepped up, ‘OK, give me the most
comprehensive report on Socrates‘ teachings,‘ With a snap
of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.
‘Then, go to Hell!‘ With another snap of his finger, the
philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, ‘Give me the most complicated
formula you can ever think of!‘ With a snap of his finger,
another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The
mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was
correct. ‘Then, go to Hell!‘ With another snap of his
finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, ‘Bring me a
chair!‘ The Devil brought forward a chair. ‘Drill 7 holes
on the seat.‘ The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat
on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he
asked, ‘Which hole did my fart come out from?‘

The Devil inspected the seat and said, ‘The third hole from
the right.‘

‘Wrong,‘ said the idiot, ‘it‘s from my asshole.‘ And
the idiot went to Heaven.

Two guys get stuck on a desert island.They are soon caught by the natives
and brought to a village and put before the cheif.He says to the first
guy,‘As punishment for tresspassing I give you a choice, death or Ru Ru‘.Not
wanting to die he picks Ru Ru.He is then beaten
and buggered to unconciousness right in front of his friend.The 2nd guywhen
asks says ‘I‘d rather die than suffer that ‘. The chief says ‘Great,death it
is,death by Ru Ru‘!!!

A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to
cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so
thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him
to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to
rent a plane and take photos from the air.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.
He jumped in with his bag and shouted, ‘Let‘s go!‘ The pilot swung
the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the
air.
The photographer said, ‘Fly over the park and make two or three low
passes so I can take some pictures.‘
‘Why?‘ asked the pilot. ‘Because I am a photographer,‘ he responded,
‘and photographers take photographs.‘
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, ‘You mean
you‘re not the flight instructor?‘

A man walks into a shoe store…
…and tries on a pair of shoes.
‘How do they feel?‘ asks the sales clerk.
‘Well … they feel a bit tight.‘ replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the
mans feet.
‘Try pulling the tongue out.‘ offers the clerk.
Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.‘ He says.

What is the difference between Prince Charles and OJ Simpson?

A: Prince Charles‘ (ex)wife was killed by a white man in a black car.

The Answer: A Cockrobin.
The Question: What are you putting in my mouth, Batman?