Its All About Jokes

A fellow getting a shave asked the barber if he had another
razor.

‘Why?‘ asked the barber, ‘Is there something wrong with this
one?‘

‘I don‘t know.‘ replied the customer. ‘But I would appreciate a
chance to defend myself.‘

A man asked his doctor if he thought he‘d live to be a hundred.

The doctor asked the man, ‘Do you smoke or drink?‘

‘No,‘ he replied, ‘I‘ve never done either.‘

‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?‘
inquired the doctor.

‘No, I‘ve never done any of those things either.‘

‘Well then,‘ said the doctor, ‘what do you want to live to be a
hundred for?‘

John: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.

Mary: Are you wearing it now?

John: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, though. But it‘s top
of the line.

Mary: What kind is it?

John: Twelve-thirty.

The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman
couldn‘t keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the
room, he‘d near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at
her.

When he‘d finished she paid him and said, ‘I‘m going to make a
. . . well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me
you‘ll keep it a secret.‘

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. ‘Well, it‘s kind
of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind,
decent man — sigh — he has a certain physical weakness. A
certain disability. Now, I‘m a woman and you‘re a man . . . ‘

The repairman could hardly speak, ‘Yes yes!‘

‘And since I‘ve been wanting to ever since you came in the
door . . .‘

‘Yes yes!‘

‘Would you help me move the refrigerator?‘

A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He‘s got spiked, multicoloured
hair that‘s green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of
leather rags. His legs are bare and he‘s wearing worn-out shoes.
His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewellery and his earring
are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly
across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man: ‘What are
you looking at you old fart…didn‘t you ever do anything wild when you were
young?‘
Without missing a beat, the old man replies: ‘Yeah, back when I was young
and in the Navy I got really drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with
a parrot…. I thought maybe you were my son.‘

3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, ‘When you are in your casket and friends and family are
mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, ‘I would like to hear them say that I was a great
doctor of my time, and a great family man.‘
The second guy says, ‘I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband
and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of
tomorrow.‘
The last guy replies, ‘I would like to hear them say……LOOK, HE‘S
MOVING!!!!!‘

A middle aged rancher in pioneer days of old, had growen tired of working so hard
to build a beautiful ranch house and huge herd to go with it. So he thought it
would be nice to get one of those mail order brides. Well he sent for one and
on the day she was arriving he hitched up his horse and buggy and headed for the
nearest train station. After meeting his new bride, he loaded all her bags into
the wagon and then headed for thier honeymoon home. They had traveled only two
miles when the horse stumbled, and the rancher got out and whipped the horse to
its feet. He looked at the horse and said ‘THATS ONE‘ and got back in the wagon
smiled at the woman and continued on thier way. They traveled only another two
miles when the horse stumbled again, and again the rancher got out of the wagon
to whip the horse to its feet, telling the horse ‘THATS TWO‘. He took his seat
beside his new bride and continued on thier way. After traveling another two
miles the horse stumbled for the third time. The rancher got out of the wagon
carrying his rifle, he walk up to the horse and shot it right between the eyes,
saying‘THATS THREE‘. He turn to the wagon only to hear his new bride say ‘why
in the hell did you do that for, now we have to walk‘. The rancher turn to the
woman and said ‘THATS ONE‘.

One day the different parts of the body were having an
argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said ‘I do all the thinking so I‘m the most
important and I should be in charge.‘

The eyes said ‘I see everything and let the rest of you
know where we are, so I‘m the most important and I
should be in charge.‘

The hands said ‘Without me we wouldn‘t be able to pick
anything up or move anything. So I‘m the most important
and I should be in charge.‘

The stomach said ‘I turn the food we eat into energy for
the rest of you. Without me, we‘d starve. So I‘m the most
important and I should be in charge.‘

The legs said ‘Without me we wouldn‘t be able to move
anywhere. So I‘m the most important and I should be in
charge.‘

Then the rectum said ‘I think I should be in charge.‘

All the rest of the parts said ‘YOU?!? You don‘t do
anything! You‘re not important! You can‘t be in charge.‘

So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all
wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky,
the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy.

They all agreed that they couldn‘t take any more of this and
agreed to put the rectum in charge.

Today‘s lesson: You don‘t have to be the most important to be
in charge, just an a – - hole.

Two starving homeless men are walking down an empty street in a quiet town.
they spy a dead horse on the side of the road and run towards it. the first
man begins to eat the horse, but the second man refuses, saying only that he
will wait. after the first man has eaten his fill they continue on down the
road. eventually the first man gets sick from the horse meat and throws it
up. the second man pulls out a napkin from his pocket and exclaims as he
sits down: ‘now THIS is what i‘ve been waiting for! a hot meal!‘

A nun is walking down the street, when suddenly a punk jumps out of the
bushes and hits her over the head, proceeds to kick her in the groin and
break her nose with a massive left hook. As the nun is lying bleeding on
the floor, the guy looks down and says:
You‘re getting slow in your old age, Batman.