Its All About Jokes

Two So-Cal guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in
court before the judge. The judge said, ‘You seem like nice young men, and
I‘d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to
go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them
to give up drugs forever. I‘ll see you back in court Monday.

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,
‘How did you do over the weekend?‘
‘Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.‘
‘17 people? That‘s wonderful. What did you tell them?‘
‘I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:
_
/
| | O
_ /

and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this
(small circle) is your brain after drugs.‘

‘That‘s admirable,‘ said the judge. ‘And you, how did you do?‘ (to the 2nd
boy)

‘Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.‘

‘156 people! That‘s amazing! How did you manage to do that!‘

‘Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the
small circle and told them, ‘this is your asshole before prison……‘

You know you‘re in a small town…..

- when you don‘t use turn signals because everybody knows where you‘re going.

- if you‘re born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local
merchants because you‘re the first baby of the year.

- if you speak to each dog you pass, by name ….. and he wags his tail
at you

- if you dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.

- when the biggest business in town sells farm machinery.

- if you write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.

- if you missed church on Sunday and the preacher sends you a get-well card!

What sits at the bottom of the bed and constantly takes the piss???

A kidney dialysis machine!

Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had
gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky.
Holmes said, ‘Watson, look up. What do you see?‘
‘Well, I see thousands of stars.‘
‘And what does that mean to you?‘
‘Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What
does it mean to you, Holmes?‘
‘To me, it means someone has stolen our tent.‘

What‘s Michael Jackson‘s favorite hobby?
Blowing bubbles.

Santa comes once a year – but when he does he fills your stocking!

The Letter D Pulls Out

LETTER D PULLS SPONSORSHIP FROM SESAME STREET
Noted Consonant Alienated By Controversial New Gay Muppet
NEW YORK–A spokesperson for the letter D announced Monday that the
consonant is withdrawing sponsorship from Sesame Street following a
Children‘s Television Workshop announcement that a homosexual muppet
will soon join the show‘s cast.
‘The letter D is proud to have brought you many wonderful Sesame
Street episodes throughout the program‘s 28-year history,‘ said
Patricia Willis, public-relations director for D. ‘But the letter D
does not condone the sort of morally questionable lifestyles that
Sesame Street is advocating with the introduction of this new
character. It can no longer in good conscience associate itself with
the show.‘ Willis said D‘s withdrawal is effective immediately, and
applies to both capital and lower-case versions of the letter.
The gay muppet, ‘Bruce,‘ will be introduced on Sesame Street Dec. 23,
CTW director Leslie Charren said. Thus far, no other sponsors have
pulled out, though the number seven has requested an advance tape of
the episode before it makes a decision.
Many public-television insiders believe D‘s withdrawal was motivated
by a desire not to alienate religious conservatives, a section of the
population that employs the letter frequently.
‘D is for, among other things, demagoguery, dogma and doctrine, words
crucial to right-wing groups like the Christian Coalition,‘ said Yale
University political-science professor J. Wright Franklin. ‘It is
likely that D felt it could ill afford to offend such a large segment
of its users.‘
While a long-term replacement for D has not yet been secured by Sesame
Street, the number three will temporarily fill in for it in a number
of the show‘s animated shorts. Other pieces will simply skip from C to
E, with vocalists stretching out C into two syllables to match the
rhythm of the alphabet song.
Sesame Street is stung by the sudden departure of its longtime
supporter. Speaking to reporters, cast member Cookie Monster said: ‘Me
disappointed letter D choose to end relationship with Sesame Street
due to pressure from extremely vocal minority. We accused of endorsing
deviant lifestyle. Me say homosexuality natural, not immoral.
Diversity and enrichment. That‘s good enough for me.‘ —————-
Q: How do you find Ronald McDonald on a nude beach?
A: It‘s easy, he‘s the one with the sesame seed buns!

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which
appeared four days in a row – the last three hopelessly trying to
correct the first day‘s mistake.
MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone
948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones‘ ad yesterday. It
should have read ‘One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707
and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M.‘
WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received
several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the
classified ad yesterday. The ad stands corrected as follows: ‘For sale
R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707
after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.‘
THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I
smashed it. Don‘t call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected.
I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was
my housekeeper but she quit!

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. ‘I
would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree‘, sighed the
pheasant, ‘but I haven‘t got the energy‘.
Well, why don‘t you nibble on some of my droppings?‘ replied the bull.
‘They‘re packed with nutrients‘.
The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave
him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next
day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch and so
on. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the
top of the tree, whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into
the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out
of the tree.
Moral of the Story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won‘t keep you there.

Only in America…

Only in America…can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance…
Only in America…are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink…
Only in America…do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry,
and a diet coke…
Only in America…do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters…
Only in America…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage…
Only in America…do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won‘t miss a call from someone we didn‘t
want to talk to in the first place…
Only in America…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight…
Only in America…do we use the word ‘politics‘ to describe the
process so well: ‘Poli‘ in latin meaning ‘many‘ and ‘tics‘ meaning
‘blood-sucking creatures‘…