Its All About Jokes

A widow was feeling rather lonely and decided that the best thing for
her would be to have a companion. So, off she went to the pet shop.
She wasn‘t sure just what kind of pet she‘d like, so she figured she‘d
just walk around until she found just the ‘right one.‘ She went past
the adorable little puppies, past the playful kittens, past the
preening birds, past the sleeping hamsters, past the whirling gerbils,
and past the colorful fish.

Nothing really appealed to her and seemed to be just what she was
looking for. She decided to go around the store again.

On the way over to the puppies, she walked by a barrel. At the bottom
of the barrel was a rather nasty looking toad. When she looked in, he
WINKED at her! Our poor widow just shook herself! She couldn‘t
believe it. She rather quickly went back to the other pets on
display.

Once again, she checked out those sweet little puppies, the darling
kittens, the fluttering birds, the fuzzy hamsters, the sleek gerbils,
and the darting fish. Nothing really, really did it for her. She was
starting to get discouraged. So, she figured one last time around,
just in case she missed something.

Going by the barrel again, she took another peek. There was that
nasty toad, and this time, he puckered up & threw her a kiss!!
This was almost too much for the poor widow and she just about
ran over to the other pets.

She tried hard to find just the right one to take home with her, but
not one of those cute puppies or silky kittens or chirping birds or
golden hamsters or skinny gerbils or fancy fish seemed right for her.
Totally discouraged by now, the widow decide to go home.

On the way out of the shop, she had to walk past the barrel again. As
she furtively peeked in, the toad just gave her the most beseeching
look, and he had a little tear on the corner of his eye. He even
sniffed a bit. This was too much for our widow, she started heading
for the exit in a hurry.

All of a sudden it struck her that this poor toad was probably just as
lonely as she was. Not only that, but he was so ugly that no one
would probably buy him, especially not with all the other nice pets
available.

So up to the counter she marched, told the salesperson she‘d take the
toad, but requested that he be put in a sturdy box. When she got to
her car, she placed the box on the seat next to her and proceeded to
drive home.

As she was driving along, she heard some scratching coming from the
box. She tried to ignore it for a bit, but then thought that the toad
might need some air, so she opened the box a bit. (What could it
hurt?)

She would glance over at the toad from time to time, and he kept
winking at her and throwing her kisses. She finally thought,
‘oh heck, what could it hurt?‘ and she leaned over and KISSED him!

And POOF! He turned into a HANDSOME PRINCE!!!

And do you know what our poor widow turned into?

The first motel she came to!

The Speed of Time by Age

0-9 Extremely slow. Even a trip to the store with Mom seems like going
to Albania – by covered wagon. Most common phrase: ‘Is it
Christmas yet?‘

10-19 Still slow. Scientific evidence seems to show that school clocks
actually move backwards just before the bell rings.

20-29 Alternately fast and slow. Weekends seem shorter and shorter, yet
paychecks seem further and further apart.

30-39 Time achieves warp speed, except when put on hold on the telephone
and forced to endure anything longer than 5 seconds of Muzak. Most
common phrase: ‘Is it Christmas already?‘

40-49 Still fast. Seems like just yesterday when Jerry Brown said he
might run for President. Wait a minute! It WAS yesterday when he
said that. Also, Dick Clark still looks the same. Could time be
slowing down?

60-69 Hey! What happened to 50-59?

70 + Unbelievably fast. Wars used to last years. Now it seems like
they‘re over in a couple weeks.

What do you call a vegetarian with diahrrea?

A salad shooter.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross
out the names and address of people you don‘t know. FOOL other drivers into
thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote
control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting
the curb. LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found
that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in
only 2 days. AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned
to ‘fast wipe‘ whenever you leave your car parked illegally. NO TIME for a
bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it
off. SAVE ON BOOZE by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full
of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. RECREATE
the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the
bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it,
before jumping in.

*Question: What is one horsepower?
*Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one
second.

*You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you
don‘t hear it you got hit, so never mind.

*Talc is found on rocks and on babies.

*The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

*When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they
broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

*When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say
they are orbiting.

*Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

*While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only
centrificating.

*Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

*South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

*Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the
daytime.

*Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing
and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

*A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

*There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them
all means living forever.

*There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much
population stomping around up there these days.

*Lime is a green-tasting rock.

*Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

*Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don‘t why you should.

*Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they‘re there.

*Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it‘s brother
against brother.

*Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out
the numbers.

*We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of
things people forget to put the top on.

*To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that
are still all mixed up.

*In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H‘s as O‘s.

*Clouds are high flying fogs.

*I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the
important thing.

*Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to
do.

*Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

*Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

*We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won‘t drown when we breathe.

*Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

*Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

*In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

*Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.

*A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

*A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

*A monsoon is a French gentleman.

*Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

*Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

*It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

*The wind is like the air, only pushier.

This freelance journalist discovered Adolf Hitler was alive and well and
living in South America. He managed to wrangle a ‘once-in-a-lifetime‘
interview with Hitler on the condition that he was not to reveal where
Hitler was living. He went to this interview, and lo and behold, yes, it
was Adolf Hitler, looking very old. He interviewed him, asking him all
sorts of questions, and as a final question, asked ‘What are you doing now,
in the twilight of your life?‘

Hitler replied ‘Hah! Twilight of my life! I‘ll have you know that I am
secretly putting together the 4th Reich, right here in South America! This
time we‘ll do it right. We have a foolproof plan – this time we will kill
EVERY JEW in the world – and 6 MEXICANS!!!‘.

The journalist asked ‘…but…but….but why 6 MEXICANS??‘

Hitler jumped to his feet and yelled ‘SEE, I TOLD THEM THAT NO-ONE GIVES A
SHIT ABOUT THE JEWS!‘

YOU KNOW WHEN THE POST OFFICE IS HIRING WHEN THE FLAG OUT
FRONT IS AT HALF MAST.
THE POSTAL WORKERS WANT HAZZARD PAY AND WORKERS COMP FOR SLIPPING ON
SHELL CASINGS

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear
and a superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a
20 by 20 foot room
When you hear the toilet flush and the words ‘Uh-oh,‘ it‘s already too
late
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36
year old man says they can only do it in the movies
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it
does not leak – it explodes
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4
inches deep
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
Super glue is forever
McGyver can teach us many things we don‘t want to know
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can‘t
walk on water
Pool filters do not like Jello
VCR‘s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do
Always look in the oven before you turn it on
The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5 minute response time
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy
It will however make cats dizzy
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy

What were Michael Jackson‘s baby‘s first words?

Which one‘s Mommy?

Temperatures and What They Mean

40 Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.

35 Italian cars don‘t start.

32 Water freezes.

30 You can see your breath. Politicians begin to worry about the
Homeless.

25 Boston water freezes.
Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you.

20 Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream.
You can hear your breath.

15 N.Y. City water freezes.
Politicians begin to talk aobut the homeless.

12 You plan a vacation to Mexico.

10 Too cold to snow

5 You need jumper cables to get the car going.
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.

3 You plan a vacation in Houston.

0 Too cold to skate.
American cars don‘t start.

-5 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.

-10 Too cold to think.
Politicians actually do something about the homeless.

-15 Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you.
You need jumper cables to get the driver going.

-20 You plan a 2-week hot bath.

-25 The mighty Monongahela freezes.
Japanese cars don‘t start.

-30 Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button…

Below -30 The kids call home from college.

End of the world…