Its All About Jokes

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. Then
when you do criticize that person, you‘ll be a mile away and
have his shoes.

Names to Use in Prank Calls

Hugh G. Rection
Jim Nassium
Claire Voyence
Buster Hyman
Anita Moore (Roger‘s Mom)
Dick Peede
Mike Hunt

Mai Dixie Wrecked
Jon Doe‘s brother Dil

Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody

This is a story about four people named Everbody, Somebody, Anybody
and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was
sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but
Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was
Everybody‘s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody
realized that Everybody wouldn‘t do it. It ended up that Everbody
blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

Notice

To make things easier for all of us, please notice this Important Notice
About Notices. You may have noticed the increased number of notices for you
to notice. We notice that some of our notices have been noticed. On the
other hand, some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very
noticeable. It is noticed that the responses to the notices have been
noticeably unnoticeable. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices
and respond to the Notices because we do not want the noticed to go unnoticed.

–NOTICE COMMITTEE FOR NOTICING NOTICES

Bloke is drinking at a pub and after a few rounds goes to leave,
explaining to the barman he has to go home to do a shit. ‘Don‘t
be stupid,‘ says the barman, ‘We‘ve got a perfectly good toilet
here!‘

‘Yes,‘ explains the drinker, ‘but I take salts.‘

‘So what??!! That doesn‘t matter – you can still use the toilet
here!‘

The drinker reluctantly agrees and heads for the toilet. After a
few moments there is loud banging and the bloke emerges,
followed by a foul smell. The barman races into the toilet where
he sees crap all over the ceiling and walls. He races back into

the bar.

‘What the hell went on in there?!‘ he demands.

‘I told you,‘ explained the drinker.

‘No, you said that you take salts!‘ yelled the barman.

‘That‘s right,‘ the drinker shrugs, ‘somersaults.‘

he Twelve Politically-Correct Days of Christmas

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter
festival, my acquaintance-rape survivor gave to me,

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual
drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made
up of members in good standing of the Musicians
Equity Union as called for in their union contract
even though they will not be asked to play a note…),

TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the
patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing
milk-products from enslaved bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected
wetlands,

SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman
animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced
domestic incarceration,

(Note: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened
to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French
hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native
habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the
remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,

THREE deconstructionist poets,

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed
tree carcasses,

…And a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Bad Jokes

The following riddles and jokes were made up by BADJOKE.EXE, an MS-DOS
program. You probably haven‘t heard most of them. Please try not to laugh
too hard and feel free to flame as much as you like–we are all like
passengers on the deck of the Titanic discussing what we‘re going to do when
we get to shore.

How can you tell when a mechanic has been behind your nuclear warhead?
There are nubile lambchops all over your pizza!

How can you tell when a pope has been coming towards your spaceship?
There are laughing travelling salesmen in your banana!

How do you get 100 gargoyles into a nuclear warhead?
Throw in a lawn sprinkler!

Why do motorcycles fold born-again eyeballs?
To diaper their skyscrapers!

Why do policemen have toilets?
So that yaks will disobey them!

What do you get when you cross a Barbie doll and a banana?
An angry nurse!

What did the Democrat say to the kettle drum?
‘Ignore my eyeball, you square baby!‘

What did the finger say ot the lawn sprinkler?
‘Enlist my meatgrinder, you born-again cockroach!‘

How can you tell when a water cooler has been beside your mule?
There are schizophrenic bathtubs all over your skyscraper!

Why do nuclear warheads have televisions?
So that photocopiers will interrogate them!

Who was that baby I saw you with last night?
That was no baby, that was my senator!

What do a hot toddler and a fossilized kneecap have in common?
The both eat flying hairballs!

When is a toothbrush not a toothbrush?
When it‘s a flabby cornfield!

What do you call a garbageman who has married milkmen beside him?
A Communist!

Waiter, there‘s a cranberry near my polar ice cap!
Shhh! Everyone will want one!

Why do yaks have fingers?
So that Hare Krishnas will break them!

How do you get 100 horses into a drainpipe?
Throw in a teapot!

What do you get when you cross an escalator and a grandmother?
A thirsty spatula!

What do a lovesick armadillo and a grouchy tank have in common?
They both smash lazy lollipops!

Why do popes bathe automatic horses?
To satisfy their SubGeniuses!

What time is it when a kettle drum steals your senator?
Time to get a new senator!

What do a married shark and a left-handed pocketwatch have in common?
They both visit hi-rise armadillos!

What do you call a guru who has yawning armadillos inside him?
A violin!

Why do ex-convicts have televisions?
So that toilets will dissect them!

How do you get 100 beds into a Barbie doll?
Throw in a toenail!

When is a cornfield not a cornfield?
When it‘s a worthless whale!

How can you tell when a senator has been inside your bed?
There are hi-rise parking tickets up against your toilet!

Why do TV repairmen have beds?
So that VCRs will visit them!

When is a pencil sharpener not a pencil sharpener?
When it‘s a religious milk shake!

What do a green photocopier and a gaudy farmer have in common?
They both buy yellow prunes!

Why do armadillos have babies?
So that snakes will steal them!

What do a greedy teapot and a housebroken phonebook have in common?
They both stall born-again BMWs!

What did the toothbrush say to the sloth?
‘Smash my horse, please!‘

How do you get 100 bums into a hovercraft?
Throw in a vicar!

What did the toenail say to the cookie jar?
‘Disobey my eyelid, you drunk landmine!‘

Why did the Hare Krishna marry his cornfield?
To enshrine its solar-powered parking ticket!

When is an insurance salesman not an insurance salesman?
When he‘s a beautiful grandmother!

What do a mellow puppy and an overworked shark have in common?
They both toast gold-plated giraffes!

What do you get when you cross a skyscraper and a TV repairman?
A holographic chicken!

What time is it when a fly swatter touches your toothbrush?
Time to get a new toothbrush!

Why do demons have aerobics instructors?
So that ostriches will cross-examine them!

What do you call a waitress who has brain-damaged pianos on her?
A lima bean!

What do an awe-inspiring fly swatter and a cheap flea have in common?
They both bounce wacky gods!

What time is it when a SubGenius cross-examines your kneecap?
Time to get a new kneecap!

Why do grandmothers enshrine hyperactive sharks?
To befriend their prunes!

Why do toddlers have gargoyles?
So that forks will marry them!

Preparation for Parenthood

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents
to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a
mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months,
take out 10% of the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the
contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to
help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary
paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and
read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who
are already parents and berate them about their methods of
discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and
how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in
which they might improve their child‘s sleeping habits, toilet
training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it – it‘ll be the
last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.

3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from
5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. at
10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag,
until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can‘t get back to sleep,
get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at
3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the
alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut
butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger
behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in
the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with
crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an
octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string
bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this – all
morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint,
turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch
tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a
milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs
and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you
have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

7. Forget the Miata and buy a Mini Van. And don‘t think you can leave
it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don‘t look
like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove
compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette
player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down
the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
There!, Perfect!

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go
out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again.
Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk
very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely
every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead
insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you‘ve had as
much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try
taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you
can find to a pre-school child – a fully grown goat is excellent. If
you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy
your week‘s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay
for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily
accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from
the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy
Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by
pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops
are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it
falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame
Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself
singing ‘I love you, you love me‘ at work, now!, you finally qualify
as a parent.

This guy was driving down the highway and was pulled over
by the cops. The cop asked the man for his name and the
guy replied, ‘Earl.‘

‘You got a last name, Earl?‘

‘Nope. It‘s a long story, Officer.‘

‘I got time.‘

Earl sighs and says, ‘Well, Officer, at first I was known as
Earl Doo-Daa. I was going to school to become a doctor, and
I did, so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD. I got bored just
being a doctor so I went to dental school, graduated, and
became Earl Doo-Daa, M.D., D.D. After a little more time I
fooled around with this girl and got VD. So I was known as
Earl Doo-Daa, MD, DD, with VD. When the medical board
found out about my VD they took away my MD so I was known
as Earl Doo-Daa, DD with VD. The dentistry board also found
out about the VD and took away my DD making me Earl
Doo-Dah with VD. Finally, the VD took away my Doo-Dah so
I‘m now just Earl.‘

Politically Correct

Little Red Riding Hood

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived
on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that
would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to
study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to
as ‘mother‘, although she didn‘t mean to imply by this term that she would have
thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.

Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households,
although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and
mineral water to her grandmother‘s house.

‘But mother, won‘t this be stealing work from the unionized people who
have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between
various people in the woods?‘

Red Riding Hood‘s mother assured her that she had called the union boss
and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

‘But mother, aren‘t you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?‘

Red Riding Hood‘s mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn
to oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until all
womyn were free.

‘But mother, then shouldn‘t you have my brother carry the basket, since
he‘s an oppressor, and should learn what it‘s like to be oppressed?‘

And Red Riding Hood‘s mother explained that her brother was attending
a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn‘t stereotypical
womyn‘s work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a
feeling of community.

‘But won‘t I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she‘s sick and
hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?‘

But Red Riding Hood‘s mother explained that her grandmother wasn‘t
actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way,
although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were
inferior to what some people called ‘health‘.

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering
the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous
place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on
cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded
the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that
natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but
Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples
would be able to ‘come out‘ of the woods and be accepted as valid
lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma‘s house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and
wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what
was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood‘s teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers,
but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and
chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, ‘I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture
of solidarity.‘

The Wolf said, ‘You know, my dear, it isn‘t safe for a little girl to walk
through these woods alone.‘

Red Riding Hood said, ‘I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but
I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society,
the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely
valid worldview. Now, if you‘ll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way.‘

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her
Grandmother‘s house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to
linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma‘s
house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of
his nature as a predator.

Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on
Grandma‘s nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said,

‘Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your
role of wise and nurturing matriarch.‘

The Wolf said softly ‘Come closer, child, so that I might see you.‘

Red Riding Hood said, ‘Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!‘

‘You forget that I am optically challenged.‘

‘And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have.‘

‘Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn‘t
give in to such societal pressures, my child.‘

‘And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!‘

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction
appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed
Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see
her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

‘Aren‘t you forgetting something?‘ Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. ‘You
must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!‘

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

‘Hands off!‘ cried the woodchopper.

‘And what do you think you‘re doing?‘ cried Little Red Riding Hood. ‘If I let
you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own
abilities,
which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college
entrance exams.‘

‘Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This
is an FBI sting!‘ screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding
Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

‘Thank goodness you got here in time,‘ said the Wolf. ‘The brat and her
grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner.‘

‘No, I think I‘m the real victim, here,‘ said the woodchopper. ‘I‘ve been
dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers
earlier. And now I‘m going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?‘

‘Sure,‘ said the Wolf.

‘Thanks.‘

‘I feel your pain,‘ said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his
firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said ‘Do you have any Maalox?‘

Thomas E. Maloney