Its All About Jokes

A new business was opening and one of the owner`s friends sent flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card.

It said, “Rest in Peace.“ The owner told the friend that had sent them and the friend called the florist to complain.

After he told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, “Sir I am really sorry for the mistake“, and added, “boy we are in trouble with some funeral home. Imagine-somewhere there is a funeral-taking place today, and they have flowers with your card saying,

“Congratulations on your new location.“

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

The 70 year old man says, “I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee.“

The 80 year old man says, “My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.“

The 90 year old man says, “At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow.“

“So what`s your problem?“ ask the others.

“I don t wake up until nine!“

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

“Why are you eating grass?“ he asked one man.

“We don‘t have any money for food,“ the poor man replied.

“Oh, come along with me then.“

“But sir, I have a wife with two children!“

“Bring them along! And you, come with us too!“ he said to the other man.

“But sir, I have a wife with six children!“ the second man answered.

“Bring them as well!“

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.“

The lawyer replied, “No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall.“

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife “Mother of Six“ in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it‘s time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, ‘Shall we go home now Mother of Six?“

His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, “Anytime you‘re ready, Father of Four!“

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say,“Esther I‘d like to ride that helicopter“. Esther would replied, “I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars and fifty dollars is fifty dollars“.

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair and Morris said, “Esther, I‘m 85 years old. If I don‘t ride that helicopter I might not ever get another chance.“ To this Esther replied, “Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars and fifty dollars is fifty dollars“.

The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks I‘ll make you a deal. I‘ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word I won‘t charge you a penny. But if you say one word it‘s fifty dollars“. Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over but still not a word was heard.

When they landed the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly I did everything I could to get you to yell out but you didn‘t. I‘m impressed.“

Morris replied, “Well to tell you the truth I almost said something when Esther fell out but you know fifty dollars is fifty dollars.“

A patient complained to a doctor that he wetted his bed every night.

“Before it happens, do you see any dreams?“ the doctor said.

“Yes, doctor. Usually I see a dream in which a small demon comes and says, ‘Let‘s pee.“

“OK,“ the doctor said. “Next time you see the demon, say, “No, we‘ve already peed.“

Next time the patient came to the doctor, the latter asked, “So? Did you do as I said?

“Yes, I did.“

“Did it help?“

“Yes, doctor. Only, it made the matter worse.“

“How?“

“As I said ‘We‘ve already peed,‘ the demon nodded and said, ‘Then, let‘s shit a little.“

One day Bill complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor.“ His friend offered, “Don‘t do that. There‘s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and much cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.“

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren‘t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don‘t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.