Its All About Jokes

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

“Some parents,“ she said, “tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.‘ But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.‘“

One of the women spoke up immediately. “Does she cook???“

Operator: “Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your…“

Customer: “Hello, can I order..“

Operator : “Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?“

Customer: “It‘s eh.., hold……….on……889861356102049998-45-54610“

Operator : “OK… you r Mr Singh and you‘re calling from 17 Jalan Kayu.

Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566.

Which number are you calling from now Sir?“

Customer: “Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator : “We are connected to the system Sir“

Customer: “May I order your Seafood Pizza…“

Operator : “That‘s not a good idea Sir“

Customer: “How come?“

Operator : “According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir“

Customer: “What?… What do you recommend then?“

Operator : “Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You‘ll like it“

Customer: “How do you know for sure?“

Operator : “You borrowed a book entitled “Popular Hokkien Dishes“ from the

National Library last week Sir“

Customer: “OK I give up… Give me three family size ones then, how much

will that cost?“

Operator : “That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir.

The total is $49.9! 9“

Customer: “Can I pay by! credit card?“

Operator : “I‘m afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir.

Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year.

That‘s not including the late payment charges on your housing loan,Sir.“

Customer: “I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives“

Operator : “You can‘t Sir. Based on the records,you‘ve reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today“

Customer: “Never mind just send the pizzas, I‘ll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?“

Operator : “About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can‘t wait you can always come

and collect it on your motorcycle…“

Customer: “ What!“

Operator : “According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,…registration number 1123…“

Customer: “ ????“

Operator : “Is there anything else Sir?“

Customer: “Nothing.! .. by the way… aren‘t you giving me that 3 free

bottles of cola as advertised?“

Operator : “We normally would Sir, but based on your records you r also diabetic……. “

Customer: “***%&$%%### You $##$%%@!)))“

Operator: “Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you

were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman…?“

Customer: Faints…

The Maid asked for a pay raise.

Madam was very upset about this and asked:

Mary: ‘No Madam, the chauffeur did.

‘SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE

The male teacher in a girls‘ school asked the science class: “Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?“

Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. Then replied, “Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal.“

The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary‘s reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer.

Lilly put up her hand. “Yes, Lilly?“ asked the teacher.

“Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye.“

“Very good. Thanks, Lilly,“ said the male teacher.

He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal: “Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:

First, you have NOT done your HOMEWORK.

Second, you have a DIRTY mind.

And thirdly, I fear, one day in future, you are going to be sadly disappointed.(bcoz no other part expand to 10 times of its usual size)“

Is this really your third marriage?

Sure is.

What happened to your first two wives?

They died.

How did your first wife die?

She ate some poisonous mushrooms.

What about your second wife?

She died from a severe skull fracture.

How did she get a skull fracture?

She wouldn‘t eat the mushrooms.

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive‘s wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.“

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies: “My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.“

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy‘s nervousness builds.

He remembers his father‘s advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl: “Do you like spinach?“ She says “No,“ and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father‘s suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, “Do you have a brother?“ Again, the girl says “No“ and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father‘s advice and asks the girl the following question: “If you had a brother, would he like spinach?“

After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor‘s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit was obviously dead. Chris panicked!

“If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, they‘ll hate me forever,“ he thought.

So he took the dirty deceased rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur. Chris knew his neighbors kept their backdoor open during the summer, so he sneaked inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes.

A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside.

“Did you hear that Fluffy died?“ the neighbor asked.

“Oh. Uhmm… Sorry to hear that. What happened?“ Chris mumbled.

The neighbor replied, “We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage! There are some really sick people out there!“

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks, “I notice you‘ve been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?“

“Yes“ she replies, “He‘s my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.“

“That‘s remarkable“ the husband replies, “I wouldn‘t think anybody could celebrate that long.“

Joe was a not too smart kind of guy. Everyday when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money.

Finally, Joe decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route and then take up some self-defense classes so this wouldn‘t happen again. He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well to defend himself.

So, one day, on the way home from work Joe took his old route home and sure enough there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued. The next afternoon Joe went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip.

His instructor, shocked, asked him what happened.

“Well,“ explained Joe, “I took my old way home last night so I could beat these guys up who were stealing my money, but they beat me up before I could get my shoes and socks off!“