Its All About Jokes

UN Meeting
At the emergency meeting of the UN regarding another conflict in the Middle East, the floor has been given to the Israeli Consul.

The Israeli Consul began, ‘Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with my speech, I wanted to relay an old story to all of you… …When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt he had to go through deserts, and prairies, and even more deserts… The people became thirsty and needed water.

So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his cane and at the sight of that mountain a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. And the people rejoiced and drank to their hearts‘ content. Moses wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters.

Only when Moses came out of the water he discovered that all his clothes had been stolen… And I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians stole his clothes.‘

Yassir Arafat, hearing this accusation, jumps out of his seat and screams, ‘This is a travesty…It‘s A lie ! It is widely known that there were no Palestinians there at the time!!!‘

‘And in agreement with Chairman Arafat,‘ said the Israeli Consul, ‘let me begin my speech…‘

Hilarious Newspaper Headlines
1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
8. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
10. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
11. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
12. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
13. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
14. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
15. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
16. War Dims Hope for Peace
17. If Strike Isn‘t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
18. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
19. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
20. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
21. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
22. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon)

Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Nursing home event… Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper.

Texas executes last remaining citizen.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Baby conceived naturally…..scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 ‘chad‘ sells at Sotheby‘s for $4.6 million.

Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.

Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.

Biblical Headlines Written by Today‘s Media
On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed

On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock

On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed

On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple

On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD‘S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior

On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR‘S PRACTICE RUINED
‘Faith Healer‘ Causes Bankruptcy

On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN‘S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer‘s Investment Lost

On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed

More News Headlines
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted

Drunk gets nine months in violin case

Juvenile court to try shooting defendant

Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years

Drunken drivers paid $1000 in ‘84

Stolen Painting Found By Tree

Judge To Rule On Nude Beach

Police Discover Crack In Australia

Men Recommend More Clubs For Wives

Two Convicts Evade Noose; Jury Hung

Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing

The 25 Best Newspaper Headlines of 1999
The 25 Best Newspaper Headlines of 1999

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

2. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death

14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

16. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

17. War Dims Hope for Peace

18. If Strike Isn‘t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space

23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

24. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

R. D. Jones And His Sewing Machine
The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row – the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day‘s mistake.

MONDAY:

For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY:

Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones‘ ad yesterday. It should have read ‘One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M.‘

WEDNESDAY:

Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: ‘For sale — R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.‘

THURSDAY:

Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don‘t call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.

Great Sales Technique
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling,
‘Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!‘

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday‘s paper.

The man said, ‘Hey, this is an old paper, where‘s the story about the big swindle?‘

The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, ‘Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!‘

How The Media Would Cover The Apocalypse
Usa Today:
We‘re Dead

The Wall Street Journal:
Dow Jones Plummets As World Ends

Microsoft Systems Journal:
Apple Loses Market Share

Sports Illustrated:
Game Over

Wired:
The Last New Thing

Rolling Stone:
The Grateful Dead Reunion Tour

Readers Digest:
‘Bye

Discover Magazine:
How Will The Extinction Of All Life As We Know It Affect The Way We View The Cosmos?

Tv Guide:
Death And Damnation: Nielson Ratings Soar!

Lady‘s Home Journal:
Lose 10 Lbs By Judgment Day With Our New ‘Armageddon‘ Diet!

Inc. Magazine:
Ten Ways You Can Profit From The Apocalypse

Funny News Headlines #13
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty: Newsday, July 11

Man shoots neighbor with machete: The Miami Herald, July 3

Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes: The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30

Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows: The New York Times, March 10

Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies: The Los Angeles Times, March 2

Scientists see quakes in L.A. future: The Oregonian, January 28

Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning: The Buffalo News, February 26

Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold: Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26