Its All About Jokes

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, ‘May I please speak to your manager?’ He says, ‘Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?’ She replies, ‘I don’t know if your the man to talk to…its kind of personal…’ Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, ‘I’m pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss.’ She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth…and he begins sucking them, thinking ‘I’m in!!!’ She goes, ‘Can you give the manager something for me?’ The bartender nods…yes. ‘Tell him there’s no toilet paper in the ladies restroom.’

This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on. The bartender goes, ‘Where’d you get the great shirt mate?’ The man replies, ‘David Jones.’ This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender goes ‘Where’d you get the great pants mate?’ The man replies, ‘ David Jones.’ This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and sock on. The bartender goes, ‘Where’d you get the great shoes and socks mate?’ The man replies, ‘David Jones.’ Then this 4th guy runs in naked and the bartender goes, ‘Look Who the hell are you mate?’ And the naked guy says, ‘I’m David Jones!’

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I‘ll buy you another drink. I just can‘t stand to see a man cry.“

“No, it‘s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.“

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.“

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”

An Italian man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, ‘Lord, grant me one wish.’

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, ‘Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish.’ The man said, ‘Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to.’

The Lord said, ‘Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me.’

The Italian man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, ‘Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘nothing’ and how I can make a woman truly happy?’

After a few minutes God said, ‘You want two lanes or four on that bridge?’

Early one mornin‘, a mother went in to wake up her son …

mother : “Wake up, son … Itz time to go to school !“ …

son : “But why, Mom ? .. I don‘ want to go.“ …

mother : “Give me two reasonz, why U don‘ want to go.“ …

son : “Well, da kidz hate me for one, … n da teacherz hate me, too !“ …

mother : “Oh, datz no reason not to go to school .. Come on now n get ready .“ …

son : “Give me two reasonz, why I should go to school.“ …

mother : “Well, for one, u‘re 52 yearz old .. n for another, u‘re da Principal !“ …

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Pillsbury Dough Boy wanted for attempted murder

A lady named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws,
and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman
sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently
sleeping. When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman,
her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open.

The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said,
‘Are you okay?‘ The woman answered, ‘I‘ve been shot in the head, and I
am holding my brains in.‘

Linda didn‘t know what to do, so she ran into the store, where store
workers called the paramedics. They had to break into the car because
the door was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had
bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands.

A Pillsbury biscuit cannister had exploded, apparently from the heat
in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her
in the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the
dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at
first, then attempted to hold her brains in.

The Diet

BREAKFAST
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz glass skim milk

LUNCH
4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed zucchini
1 Oreo cookie

MID-AFTERNOON SNACK
rest of the package of Oreo cookies
1 quart Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge

DINNER
2 loaves garlic bread
1 large pepperoni & mushroom pizza
1 large pitcher of beer
3 Milky Way candy bars
1 entire cheesecake

DIET TIPS
1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar,
they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories dont count
if you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purpose have no calories.
These include any chocolate used for energy,
brandy, cheesecake, and ice cream.
5. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because breakage
causes the calories to leak out.
6. If you eat food from someone else‘s plate, the
calories don‘t count.
7. Movie related snacks are much lower in calories because
they are part of the entertainment, and not ones
of personal fuel.

Immodest Proposal #1:

Daylight Savings Time Reform

Richard S. Holmes, RICH@suhep.phy.syr.edu

It happens every spring: crocuses, baseball (with any luck), and the switch to
Daylight Savings Time (DST).

Coming off DST is not hard. In the Fall, we set our clocks back one hour. We
all get an extra hour to sleep, and those who forget find themselves at church,
or the airport, or wherever an hour early. Embarassing, but not catastrophic.

But in the Spring we set the clocks forward, and the trouble begins. We lose
an hour of sleep. Forgetful people miss Mass, planes, breakfast, and the big
game on TV. Some are thrown into disarray for up to a full week. Annual
losses due to DST confusion have been estimated (by me) at over a million
dollars. I myself have missed a flight to Washington and a showing of The
Seven Samurai because of DST.

There is no need for such tragic waste. We can — we should and must — urge
our lawmakers to reform Daylight Savings Time as follows:

Setting clocks back is easy; setting them forward is difficult. Therefore, let
us keep the fall ritual as it is. However, one Sunday each Spring, let us set
our clocks not one hour forward, but TWENTY-THREE HOURS BACKWARD.

Think of all the advantages. We will not lose an hour of sleep; we will gain
(almost) a day of rest. It will be Saturday all over again. You will never
again miss Confession, or an airplane, or the Redskins game.

Naturally, if this were the whole plan, our calendars would fall behind one day
in each year. However, the second part of the Revised DST Plan deals with
this. Every four years, instead of adding a day, let us SUBTRACT THREE DAYS.
Furthermore, let these be Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, which according to
recent polls are the least popular days.

If done in February, which seems reasonable considering what a miserable month
it is, this would have the beneficial side effect of shortening the
excruciating presidential primary season by an effective four days.

The advantages of this plan are clear. Let us waste no time. With a determine
d
effort we can have Reformed Daylight Savings Time by Spring of next year.

Write your congressperson today!