Its All About Jokes

College Seniors vs. Freshmen
Freshmen: Are never in bed past noon.
Seniors: Are never out of bed before noon.

Freshmen: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut.
Seniors: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to attend.

Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mt. Dew into a recitation class.

Freshman: Calls the professor ‘Professor.‘
Senior: Calls the professor ‘Bob.‘

Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior: Drives to class if it’s further than three blocks away.

Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Senior: Memorizes the professor’s habits to get a good grade.

Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Senior: Knows where the next class is. Maybe…

Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.

Freshmen: Have to ask where the computer labs are.
Seniors: Has ‘own’ personal workstation.

Freshmen: Use the campus buses to go everywhere.
Seniors: Use the campus buses to run block while crossing the street.

Freshmen: Worry about the last freshman composition essay.
Seniors: Worry about the last GRE essay.

Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October…

….maybe.

Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year.
Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year.

Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm.
Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm.

Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night.
Senior: Calls Domino’s every other night.

Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of profs.
Senior: Is appalled that the campus ‘Subway’ burned down over the summer.

Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questions
Senior: Offers to ‘tutor’ conscientious frosh of opposite sex…

Freshman: Goes on grocery shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus
Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving onto campus

Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one’s horizons and really make a contribution to society
Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room

Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class

A schoolteacher was given a ticket for driving through a red light. When she appeared in traffic court, she asked the judge for immediate attention to her case as she was due to be back in class. The judge looked at her sternly and said:

‘So you‘re a schoolteacher. I am about to realize a lifelong ambition. You sit down at that table over there and write ‘I went
through a stop sign. ‘FIVE HUNDRED TIMES!‘

Kids Test Papers
These are from test papers and essays submitted by kids:

1. ‘When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.‘

2. ‘H3O is hot water, and CO3 is cold water‘

3. ‘To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube‘

4. ‘When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide‘

5. ‘Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state‘

6. ‘Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.‘

7. ‘Blood flows down one leg and up the other.‘

8. ‘Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.‘

9. ‘The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.‘

10. ‘Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.‘

11. ‘Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.‘

12. ‘A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.‘

13. ‘Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.‘

14. ‘The body consists of three parts—the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five—a, e, i, o, and u.‘

15. ‘The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects.‘

16. ‘The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.‘

17. ‘The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.‘

18. ‘A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.‘

19. ‘The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in his fight.‘

20. ‘A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.‘

21. ‘Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception.‘

22. ‘Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.‘

23. ‘Germinate: To become a naturalized German.‘

24. ‘Liter: A nest of young puppies.‘

25. ‘Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.‘

26. ‘Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.‘

27. ‘Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.‘

28. ‘Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.‘

29. ‘Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives.‘

30. ‘Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.‘

31. ‘To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.‘

32. ‘For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.‘

33. ‘For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration.‘

34. ‘For fainting: Rub the person’s chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.‘

35. ‘For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.‘

36. ‘For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.‘

37. ‘To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.‘

38. ‘For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat.‘

39. ‘To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.‘

Little Johnny is late to class one day and the teacher asks him where he has been.

He replies ‘I‘ve been down by the creek sticking cherry bombs up frogs asses.‘

‘You mean rectum‘ corrected the teacher. ‘Yeah‘ says Little Johnny,
‘Wrecked ‘em all right, it blew ‘em into little pieces!!‘

One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class.

He stood up in front of the class and said, ‘Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?‘

After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.

‘Well, hello there sir. So you actually think you’re a moron?‘ the professor asked.

The kid replied, ‘No sir, I just didn’t want to see you standing there all by yourself.‘

This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid ‘A‘s.‘
These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem. final was on Monday), they decided to go up to University of Virginia to a party with some friends.
So they did this and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn‘t make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed it. They told him that they went up to Virginia for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn‘t have a spare and couldn‘t get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus.
Aldric thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them.
He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. ‘Cool‘ they thought, ‘this is going to be easy.‘ They did that problem and then turned the page.
They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.
It said: (95 points) ‘Which tire?‘

Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:

1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee…).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10.I don‘t have a favorite way because I don‘t like Oreos.

Your Personality:

1. The whole thing:
This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with his or her children.

2. One bite at a time:
You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that‘s okay, not to worry, you‘re normal.

3. Slow and Methodical:
You follow the rules. You‘re very tidy and orderly. You‘re very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you‘re only going to go the speed limit.

4. Feverous Nibbles:
Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.

5. Dunked:
Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie:
You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie:
You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that‘s ok, you don‘t care, you got yours.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside:
You enjoy pain.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them:
Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help – immediately.

10. I don‘t have a favorite way, I don‘t like Oreos:
You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to upscale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prissy.

A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them. The mother mouse goes, ‘BARK!‘ and the cat runs away.
‘See?‘ says the mother mouse to her baby. ‘Now do you see why it‘s important to learn a foreign language?‘

Chukchuk is in a Quiz Contest trying to win Prize money of Rs.1 Million US$
The questions are as follows:
1) How long was the 100 yr war?
A) 116
B) 99
C) 100
D) 150
Chukchuk says, ‘I will skip this‘

2) In which country are the Panama hats made?
A) BRASIL
B) CHILE
C) PANAMA
D) ECUADOR
Chukchuk asks for help from the University students

3) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
A) JANUARY
B) SEPTEMBER
C) OCTOBER
D) NOVEMBER
Sardar asks for help from general public

4) Which of these was King George VI first name?
A) EDER
B) ALBERT
C) GEORGE
D) MANOEL
Chukchuk asks for lucky cards

5) The Canary Islands, in the Pacific Ocean, Has its name x-udd on which animal:
A) CANARY BIRD
B) KANGAROO
C) PUPPY
D) RAT!
Chukchuk gives up.
SCROLL DOWN…….
If you think you are indeed clever and laughed at Chukchuk ‘s replies, then please check the answers below:
1) The 100-year war lasted 116 years from1337-1453
2) The Panama hat is made in Ecuador
3) The October revolution is celebrated in November
4) King George‘s first name was Albert. In 1936 He changed his name.
5) Puppy. The Latin name is INSULARIA CANARI This means islands of the puppies. Now tell me who‘s the dumb one…Don‘ Ever Laugh at a Chukchuk again.
(ChukChuk community lives some where in Siberia)

‘Just to establish some parameters,‘ said the professor, ‘Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?‘
‘Sadness,‘ said the student.
‘And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?‘
‘Elation.‘
‘And you, sir, how about the opposite of woe?‘
‘I believe that would be giddy up…‘