Its All About Jokes

Why Smoking Pot Is Better Than Classes
1. Pot is a quicker and more efficient way to fry your brain.

2. When you smoke pot, even your Calculus TA turns you on.

3. If you ever run for president, you could claim that you didn’t inhale.

4. Pot makes dorm food taste good.

5. Pot is easier to get than most text books.

6. It takes twenty minutes to walk to class. In that time, you could smoke enough pot to be dreaming about Kathy Ireland for a week.

7. Class would never make you want to run naked through the fountain in the middle of January.

8. Pot clears the mind and soul. Class clutters it.

9. Smoking pot is much cheaper.

10. What you learn in class is gone in a matter of minutes. Pot can stay in your system for up to a year.

One day a little girl was walking down the sidewalk on her way to school, and in the middle of the sidewalk she saw a worm. She raised her foot to squish it, but just then, she heard a wee little voice.

‘Please don‘t squish me!‘

The worm had spoken! The girl stepped back instead of stepping on it. ‘If you can give me one good reason why I shouldn‘t squish you, then maybe I won‘t.‘

‘Ok, here‘s one really good reason,‘ said the worm. ‘If you don‘t squish me I‘ll give you any three wishes you want.‘

‘But how do I know you‘re telling the truth?‘ said the little girl.

‘Why don‘t you try it?‘ said the worm.

‘Ok,‘ she said. ‘For my first wish, I want 1,000 more wishes!‘

‘Wow, you are smart!‘ said the worm.

‘Yeah, I always get A‘s on all my tests,‘ the little girl bragged.

‘Ok, so what‘s your first wish going to be?‘ asked the worm.

‘I want to be very pretty,‘ says the girl. And she was pretty.

‘I want to be rich and have pretty earings and a nice shirt,‘ says the little girl. ‘That‘s all for now, but when I want another wish I will just say it and it will happen, right?‘

‘Of course‘ said the worm. ‘Well, I better be going now, I don‘t want to be late for school!‘ said the girl.

‘Bye!‘ said the worm.

When the girl got to school, a very annoying boy named Robbie walked up to her. ‘Gonna get another hundred on the math test today?‘ he teased. ‘Oh my gosh!‘ the little girl says. ‘I forgot all about it! I didn‘t even study.‘

Robbie started laughing and went off to tell the whole school the news. ‘Oh no!‘ the little girl says. ‘I wish I were dead!‘

THE DEAN

Leaps tall buildings in a single bound

Is more powerful than a locomotive

Is faster than a speeding bullet

Walks on water

Gives policy to God

THE DEPARTMENT HEAD

Leaps short buildings in a single bound

Is more powerful than a switch engine

Is just as fast as a speeding bullet

Talks with God

PROFESSOR

Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds

Is almost as powerful as a switch engine

Is faster than a speeding BB

Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool

Talks with God if a special request is honored

ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR

Barely clears a quonset hut

Loses tug of war with a locomotive

Can fire a speeding bullet

Swims well

Is occassionally addressed by God

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR

Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings

Is run over by locomotives

Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury

Treads water

Talks to animals

INSTRUCTOR

Climbs walls continually

Rides the rails

Plays Russian Roulette

Walks on thin ice

Prays a lot

GRADUATE STUDENT

Runs into buildings

Recognizes locomotives two out of three times

Is not issued ammunition

Can stay afloat with a life jacket

Talks to walls

UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT

Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings

Says ‘Look at the choo-choo‘

Wets himself with a water pistol

Plays in mud puddles

Mumbles to himself

DEPARTMENT SECRETARY

Lifts buildings and walks under them

Kicks locomotives off the tracks

Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them

Freezes water with a single glance

She IS god

Words With More Than One Syllable
A first grade teacher is starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thinks it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.

‘Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words?‘ she asks.

After some thought Jane proudly replies with ‘Monday.’

‘You are correct, Jane, ‘Monday’ does have two syllables.‘

Continuing, she then asks, ‘Does anyone know another word with more than one syllable?‘

‘I do! I do!‘ replies Johnny.

Knowing Johnny’s more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.

‘OK Mike, what is your word?‘

‘Saturday,‘ says Mike.

‘Yes! That has three syllables, Mike, great job,‘ she replies.

Not wanting to be outdone, Johnny says, ‘I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!‘

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large, the teacher reluctantly asks, ‘OK, Johnny what is your four syllable word?‘

Johnny proudly says, ‘Mas-tur-ba-tion.‘

The teacher, shocked and trying to retain her composure, says, ‘Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That’s is certainly a mouthful.‘

‘No Ma’am, your thinking of ‘blowjob’, and that’s only two syllables.‘

‘Teacher, I have a question for you,‘ says little Johnny.

‘If there are 3 women sitting in an ice cream parlor, and one is biting her ice cream cone, the second is licking her ice cream cone, and the third is sucking her ice cream cone, how can you tell which one is married?‘

The teacher thought for a moment, and says ‘The one who is sucking her ice cream cone is the married one.‘

‘Wrong,‘ says Johnny, ‘you can tell which one is married by which one has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you think.‘

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.

The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.

Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just shrugged and went to two different parts of the building.

As each sat down, they read the first question.

‘For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom.‘

At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued.

‘For 95 points, tell me which tire it was.‘

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

‘The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.‘

He continued, ‘Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?‘

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

‘How much for a season pass?‘

I Don‘t Want To Go To School
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.

‘Wake up, son. It‘s time to go to school!‘

‘But why, Mom? I don‘t want to go.‘

‘Give me two reasons why you don‘t want to go.‘

‘Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!‘

‘Oh, that‘s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.‘

‘Give me two reasons why I should go to school.‘

‘Well, for one, you‘re 52 years old. And for another, you‘re the PRINCIPAL!‘

Why God Never Received A PhD
1. He had only one major publication.

2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.

4. It wasn’t published in a refereed journal.

5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.

6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.

10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.

11. When subjects didn’t behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.

12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.

13. Some say he had his son teach the class.

14. He expelled his first two students for learning.

15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.

16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

17. No record of working well with colleagues.

Why Throwing Up Is Better Than Dorm Food
1. After you throw up, you feel better.

2. You can throw up whenever you want.

3. When you throw up, you don’t have to wait in line.

4. Throw-up is always warm.

5. You don’t have to sneak throw-up out of the cafeteria.

6. When you’re throwing up, a bent spoon is an advantage.

7. You can lose weight throwing up.

8. You don’t have to pay to throw up.

9. Throw-up is SUPPOSED to look like that.

10. When you throw up, you don’t have to come back for seconds.

11. You don’t have to throw up everyday.

12. Throwing up can never cause you to eat dorm food afterward.

13. You can throw up without a photo ID.

14. Throw-up is organic and biodegradable.

15. They don’t ration throw-up.

16. After you throw up, at least you know what you’ve eaten.

17. Plastic throw-up is funny. Plastic dorm food is redundant.

18. You don’t have to throw up the same thing five days in a row.

19. A dog will eat throw-up.

20. After you throw up, at least there’s some taste in your mouth.