Its All About Jokes

Actual School Absence Excuse Notes

These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country.

1. My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.

He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words in ()’s were crossed out.]

12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday.

His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn’t get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he past 50 right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded, and told him ‘That’s because you are from Alabama, son.‘

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It’s Grade Three, so most could make it halfway through without much trouble. Some made it to ‘S‘ or ‘T‘, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him. ‘That’s because you are from Alabama, son.‘

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly ‘well endowed‘. This confused him. That night he told his dad, ‘Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I’m from Alabama?‘ he asked.

‘No son,‘ explained his Dad, ‘That’s because you’re 18.‘

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. ‘My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.‘ When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, ‘Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.‘ Little Lucy went next. ‘My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.‘ Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, ‘Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.‘

Next up was Little Johnny. ‘My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun, and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.‘

The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. ‘Well,‘ Johnny replied, ‘Don’t screw with uncle Ted when he’s been drinking.‘

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that ‘Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls,‘ and would his mother ‘…please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this.‘

So, Johnny’s mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. ‘First Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse…‘ So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

‘OK, now take off my skirt…‘ And he takes off her skirt.

‘Now, take off my bra…‘ Which he does.

‘And now, Johnny, please take off my panties…‘

And when Johnny finishes removing these, she says, ‘Johnny, PLEASE don’t wear any of my clothes to school any more!

What were you thinking?

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

‘Why?‘ asks the father.

‘The teacher asked ‘How much is 2 x 3?‘ I said ‘6‘.‘

‘But that‘s right!‘

‘Then she asked me ‘How much is 3 x 2?‘

‘What‘s the fucking difference?‘ asks the father.

‘That‘s what I said.‘

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow’s final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member’s death.

One smart ass, male student said, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?”, and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, “Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write.”

49 Things To Do In A Boring Lecture!

1. Bring a blowhorn. Use it when you ask or answer a question.

2. Heckle the professor.

3. Hire a video crew to come to the class. If asked about it, say that you have to tape the lecture for a friend.

4. Bring a water gun. Shoot the professor when his back is turned.

5. Get the other students in your row to do the wave.

6. Bring a small chalkboard to class. Ask the professor if you can borrow his chalk to take notes.

7. Contradict everything the professor says. Offer irrefutable scientific proof.

8. If it’s a math lecture, claim that the professor misspelled pi.

9. When the professor asks a question, raise your hand. If the professor calls on you, point to someone in the next row and say ‘He knows.‘ Pick a different person each time.

10. Buy a doll. When you go to class, leave the doll in your chair, along with your notebook and pen. Say that you have an important meeting to go to, and that the doll will be taking notes for you.

11. Bring a typewriter. Use it to take notes.

12. Write a love note. Sign it ‘a secret admirer‘. Get someone to pass it to the professor.

13. Get up to go to the bathroom five or six times during the class. Change clothes every time.

14. While taking notes, write vulgar words every few lines. If anyone asks, say you have Tourette’s syndrome.

15. Buy a watermelon. Give it to the professor. If he/she asks, say ‘They were out of apples.‘

16. Bring a small tape player. Play a tape of the previous lecture. Take notes on both.

17. If it’s an English class, ask how the theory of relativity relates to Shakespeare’s ‘Midsummer Night’s Dream‘.

18. Pretend to be asleep until five minutes before the end of class. Then wake up and explain that you missed the lecture, and ask the professor to summarize what he/she talked about.

19. Bring a can of spray paint. Use it to take notes on the classroom wall.

20. Bring a fully-stocked picnic basket to class. Explain that you didn’t have time to eat breakfast.

21. Wear a loincloth to class. If anyone asks, say that it is your costume for the school play, and you didn’t have time to change out of it.

22. Tear out pages of the textbook and make little origami animals out of them. Have a whole menagerie by the end of class. Give them to the professor as a token of your esteem.

23. Bring a fishing rod. Try to catch things on the professor’s desk.

24. Bring a tape player and a tape of a thunderstorm. Keep it hidden. Sometime during the lecture, start the tape, stand up, claim that the professor has angered the gods and leave. Watch to see how many students follow you after the tape starts playing.

25. Make reserved seating cards and place them on the desks before class.

26. Tell the professor you are on a new experimental cold medication that may have strange side effects. Every ten minutes or so, run around the room screaming. Afterward, claim that you have no memory of what just happened.

27. Claim that you are the new student teacher, and that you are to give the lecture for that class. If the professor agrees, lecture on a subject completely opposite the to subject of the class. If the professor objects, say that the students should have a wide range of knowledge.

28. Switch the professor’s lecture notes with your history notes from last term.

29. Raise your hand and ask when the movie is going to start.

30. Bring a flash camera. Take pictures every few minutes, using a very bright flash. If anyone complains, say that you didn’t see any sign saying you couldn’t bring cameras.

31. Bring a light bulb. Hold it over your head whenever you have the answer to a question.

32. Bring an easel and a paint set. Paint a portrait of the professor during the lecture. Say that it is a homework assignment for art class.

33. Sneeze very loudly. Then, have the person next to you sneeze, then the person next to him, and so on. See how long it takes before the professor sneezes.

34. When the professor comes in, say, very loudly, ‘Hey! A substitute! All right!‘ Claim that the real professor said you could have lecture outside.

35. Come to class wearing the same outfit as the professor. Call the professor a copycat.

36. If it’s a geology lecture, switch the quartz crystals with New Folgers Crystals and see if the professor notices. Have a hidden camera.

37. Hide a ticking clock under the podium. Call in a bomb threat.

38. Write your assignment on Plato on your little sister’s modeling clay.

39. Ask questions in a foreign language you know the professor doesn’t know. Act angry when he/she doesn’t understand you.

40. Come to class dressed as a professional wrestler. Tell people you joined the wrestling team. Body slam anyone who doesn’t believe you.

41. When the professor comes in, suddenly scream, ‘NOOOOOO! Not him! Not professor Johnson!! They let him teach again! NOOOOOOOOO!‘ then run out of them room. See how many people follow you.

42. Turn your row into a mosh pit.

43. Before class starts, turn all the desks upside down. Sit on them like you would normally.

44. Two words: American Gladiators.

45. Make requests like people do at rock concerts. (‘Relativity! Relativity! Einstein rocks!‘)

46. Bring popcorn. Throw it and the professor. Complain that these trained animal shows aren’t what they used to be.

47. Bring a tape player and a tape of the school bell. Play it every 15 minutes.

48. When the professor calls on you, mumble incomprehensibly.

Answer every question in this fashion. See how long it takes before the professor stops calling on you.

49. When you take a test, hire a security guard to stand by your desk and make sure no one cheats off your paper.

1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises

2. After confirming everyone’s names on the roll, thank the class for attending ‘Advanced Astrodynamics 690‘ and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.

3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream ‘MY PACEMAKER!‘

4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream ‘YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?‘

6. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, ‘The Professor can’t hear you, you’ll have to ask me, Winky Willy.‘

7. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, ‘Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?‘

8. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering ‘tsk, tsk.‘

9. Ask students to call you ‘Tinkerbell‘ or ‘Surfin’ Bird.‘

10. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.

11. Play ‘Kumbaya‘ on the banjo.

12. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.

13. Announce ‘you’ll need this,‘ and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.

14. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

15. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown’s ‘Sex Machine.‘

16. Ask occasional questions, but mutter ‘as if you gibbering Simps would know,‘ and move on before anyone can answer.

17. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

18. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.

19. Address students as ‘worm.‘

20. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

21. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.

22. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

23. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student’s name, rank, and serial number.

24. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture’s over when the bottle’s done.

25. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and singing an Elvis song.

26. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.

27. Wear a ‘virtual reality‘ helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.

28. Mention in passing that you’re wearing rubber underwear.

29. Growl constantly and address students as ‘matey.‘

30. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to ‘sit back and groove.‘

31. Announce that last year’s students have almost finished their class projects.

32. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.

33. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he’s named ‘Boogers McGee‘ and is your ‘mascot.‘ Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, ‘What’ll be, McGee?‘

34. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you ‘Snuggles.‘

35. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you’ve named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don’t use it.

36. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.

37. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

38. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.

39. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

40. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute ‘commercial breaks‘ every ten minutes.

41. Tell students that you’ll fail them if they cheat on exams or ‘fake the funk.‘

42. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

43. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.

44. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.

45. Ask students to list their favorite show tunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.

46. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.

47. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.

48. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

49. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about ‘that bug I picked up in the field.‘

50. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, ‘Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN’T HEEEEEEAR YOU!‘

1) You believe the staff room should have a Valium salt lick.

2) You find humor is other people’s stupidity.

3) You want to slap the next person who says, ‘Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free.‘

4) You can tell it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.

5) You believe ‘shallow gene pool‘ should have it’s own box on the report card.

6) You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, ‘Boy, the kids are sure mellow today.‘

7) When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.

Marking all A’s on the report card would make your life SO much simpler.

9) When you mention ‘vegetables‘ and you’re not talking about a food group.

10) You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

11) You wonder how some parents even managed to reproduce.

12) You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

13) You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into home schooling.

14) You’ve never had your profession slammed by someone who would never dream of doing your job.

15) You can’t have children of your own, because there is no name you could give a child that wouldn’t bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.

16) Meeting a child’s parents instantly answers the question, ‘Why is this kid like this?‘

A biology major was taking a cell biology course. The task of the day was examining epitheleal cheek cells under a microscope. They had to scrape the inside of their mouths with a toothpick and make a slide from it and record the different types of cells that were found.

One girl in the class was having some trouble identifying some cells. She called the professor over to ask him.

After a moment or two of peering in her scope, he looked up and said in a loud voice, ‘Those are sperm cells.‘