Its All About Jokes

The teacher told her class the word of the day was ‘dictate‘ and asked who could spell it.
George raised his hand and he spelled out, ‘d-i-k-t-a-t-e.‘
The teacher said, ‘sorry that‘s wrong‘ Then she asked Stephen.
Stephen slowly spelled out, ‘d-i-c-k-t-a-t-e.‘
‘Sorry‘ says the teacher, ‘that‘s not right either.‘
Next, she asked Fiona After a slight pause Fiona began spelling, ‘d-i-c-t-a-t-e.‘
‘Very good Fiona,‘ applauded the teacher, ‘that‘s correct. Now,‘ the teacher continued, ‘who can use this word in a sentence?‘
Stephen raised his hand quick as a flash shouting, ‘I know-Iknow,‘
‘OK‘ replied the teacher, ‘please use the word Stephen.‘
Stephen responded, ‘How did my dictate last night, Fiona?‘

A teacher said to her little student Suzy, ‘Punctuate the following sentence: Fun fun fun worry worry worry.‘
Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply, ‘Let‘s see… Fun period … fun period … fun no period … worry worry worry!‘

In a primary school classroom, the teacher notices a little puddle underneath Mary‘s chair.
‘Oh Mary!‘ says the teacher, ‘you should have put your hand up.‘
‘I did,‘ Mary replied. ‘But it still trickled through my fingers.‘

‘If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up‘ said the sarcastic lecturer.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. ‘Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?‘ enquired the lecturer with a sneer.
‘Well, actually I don‘t,‘ said the student, ‘but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.‘

One day, a very attractive under graduate visited the professor‘s office. The under graduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly, bumped his knee ‘accidentally‘, etc.
Finally, the undergraduate said, ‘Professor, I really need to pass your course. It is extremely important to me. It is so important that I‘ll do anything you suggest.‘
The professor, somewhat taken aback by this attention, replied, ‘Anything?‘
To which the undergradute cooed, ‘Yes, anything you say.‘
After some brief reflection, the professor asked, ‘What are you doing tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?‘
The student lied, ‘Oh, nothing at all, sir. I can be free then.‘
The professor then advised, ‘Excellent! Professor Palmer is holding a help session for his students. Why don‘t you attend that.‘

It was the kindergarten teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.

The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said ‘I guess that it is flowers‘.

‘How did you guess?‘ asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.

The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, ‘I guess that is some candy.‘

‘How did you guess?‘ asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.

The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. ‘Mmmmm is it wine?‘ she asked.

‘No,‘ said the little girl.

So she tasted it again. ‘Is it champaigne?‘ she asked.

‘No,‘ replied the little girl, ‘It is a puppy.‘

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on ‘Observation‘. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. ‘This‘, he explained, ‘is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste.‘

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. ‘If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth.‘

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, ‘Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that
I didn‘t do.‘

The mother exclaimed, ‘But that‘s terrible! I‘m going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that
you didn‘t do?‘

The little girl replied, ‘My homework.‘

A University of Alabama football player was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, ‘Where does you go to school?‘

The co-ed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.

‘Yale,‘ she replied.

The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, ‘WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?‘

45 Interesting Ways To Write A Paper

1. Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts.

2. Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.

3. Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking them all over the professor’s door.

4. Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish Armada.

5. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn’t. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.

6. Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking them on the page, ransom-note style.

7. End the paper with ‘This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds.‘

8. Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog from eating it.

9. If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can’t do the paper because you’re not sure if the class really exists, or if it and the professor are just illusions created by your subconscious. If you do end up writing the paper, write about that.

10. If assigned a 2000-word paper, draw two pictures of what the paper was supposed to be about. After all, a picture is worth 1000 words, right?

11. Type gibberish. When you hand it in, claim that your computer crashed while you were printing it, and you couldn’t retrieve the original.

12. Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your bibliography.

13. Turn the paper in by making paper airplanes out of the pages of the paper and attempting to fly them onto the professor’s desk.

14. The night before the paper is due, call the professor and explain that you can’t turn your paper in because it contains sensitive military information and is only available on a ‘need to know‘ basis. Insist that General Schwarzkopf says you should get an ‘A.‘

15. Write your history paper on parchment, using a quill. Say that you were trying to get the feel for the period.

16. Turn in a letter your wrote to your cousin. When the teacher confronts you about it, say that you must have gotten the letter and the paper mixed up. Say that you’ll turn the paper in as soon as you get it back, but your cousin lives in Siberia, so it may be a little late.

17. When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate cake in the middle and see if the professor notices.

18. Tell the professor that you need an extension because one of your primary sources is an old wise man in Tibet and he won’t see you until the next full moon.

19. Paint a large white stripe down the front of your paper. Say that on the way to class, your dropped it in the street and it got run over by one of those trucks that paint lines on the road.

20. Make a footprint on the back of one of the pages. When questioned by the professor, act like it’s nothing unusual. After all, he did tell you to include footnotes.

21. Bring candles and incense to class. Before handing in the paper, perform an elaborate ceremony, entreating the gods to bless the paper and correct all your typos.

22. Make a tape of you singing the contents of your paper, opera-style, and hand that in.

23. Write your psychology paper on possible genetic anomalies that might cause a person to prefer anchovies.

24. Hand your paper in a sealed envelope with postmarks from several different countries on it. Say that you wanted several different perspectives on your work.

25. TTyyppee eevveerryy lleetttteerr ttwwiiccee..

26. Get a large piece of paper or canvas. Smear paint all over it and hand it in as your paper. Explain that the topic was such an emotional one for you, and that mere words couldn’t possibly express what you had to say.

27. Compare and contrast the characters of James T. Kirk and Jean-Luc Picard. Claim that one is actually Hamlet, and the other is King Lear. Say that Worf is Ophelia.

28. Carve your paper on the bathroom wall.

29. Refuse to do the paper on account of the fact that you are a member of Greenpeace and strongly object to the gratuitous slaughter of trees caused by the massive amount of paper used in writing assignments.

30. Put nonsense words down as quotes. Say that you are quoting the words of a well-known Zen master who was speaking in tongues at the time.

31. Use a forklift to bring your paper to class, even if it’s only a few pages. Explain that it involved some very heavy reading.

32. Poke several holes in the paper. Say that you were mobbed by crows on the way to class.

33. Print all the pages on one sheet of paper, with the text overlapping. Say that was all the paper you had.

34. Write about whether Plato would have said that Miller Light is ‘less filling‘ or that it ‘tastes great‘. Also explain why Aristotle would have taken the opposite view. Try to predict both philosophers’ reactions to Spuds Mackenzie.

35. Draw pictures of your professor in the margins.

36. Make your paper one long, never-ending sentence that goes on for pages and pages and pages; use a lot of semi-colons, commas, and other interesting, rarely-used punctuation marks [(for example), an interesting one: the colon_] but never ever end the sentence.

37. Staple a picture of an academic building to the paper. Cite the picture as a resource.

38. On the day the paper is due, skip into class, waving the paper and screaming, ‘I have a paper! I have a paper!‘ Run around the class a few times, then joyfully throw it out the window. Laugh and yell, ‘There’s my paper,‘ then run outside to get it.

39. Come to class leading a horse or camel. When asked to turn in the paper, take it out of one of the saddlebags, then shoot the horse/camel/whatever away. Refuse to discuss it.

40. Draw obscure connections between totally unrelated things.

For example, claim that abnormal amounts of neutrino activity in Germany caused Hitler to invade France, or that the Roman empire collapsed because of a shortage of qualified botanists.

41. Refer to all prominent historical figures by nicknames. For example, call George Washington ‘Georgie‘. Call Ben Franklin ‘Sparky‘.

42. Pwetend you have a speech impediment and awways type w’s whenevew you weawwy want to type r’s ow l’s.

43. Ol, switch alound arr the l’s and r’s in youl papel, rike Monty Python did in Queen Erizabeth the Thild.

44. When your prof asks for an outline of your paper, draw the outline of the piece of paper you typed it on and hand it in.

45. Spill a martini on your sociology paper. Say that you wrote it in a bar so that you could see ‘sociology in action.‘