Doctors Jokes Collection
Dad‘s pager went off, summoning him to the hospital, where he is an anesthetist. As he raced toward the hospital, a patrol car sped up behind him–lights flashing. Dad hung his stethoscope out the window to signal that he was on an emergency call. Within seconds, came the police officer‘s hand in response, dangling a pair of handcuffs out the window.
Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for extraordinary treatment of arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane.
When her turn came, she went into the doctor‘s office, and, amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this rushed up to the little old lady and said, ‘It‘s a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you‘re walking erect. What did that doctor do?‘
‘Gave me a longer cane.‘
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A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, ‘You‘re in terrific shape. There‘s nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?‘
The 60-year-old responded, ‘Did I say he was dead?‘
The doctor was surprised and asked, ‘How old is he and is he very active?‘
The 60-year-old responded, ‘Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer.‘
The doctor couldn‘t believe it. So, he asked, ‘Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?‘
The 60-year-old responded again, ‘Did I say he was dead?‘
The doctor was astonished. He said, ‘You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?‘
The 60-year-old said, ‘He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that,‘ said the patient, ‘my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again.‘
The doctor said, ‘At 106-years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?‘
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, ‘Did I say he wanted to?‘
- He calls you at two in the morning ‘just to talk.‘
- Instead of rubber surgical gloves he wears oven mitts.
- He keeps accidentally referring to himself as ‘the defendant.‘
- He thinks Eastern Medicine was developed in Long Island.
- He keeps accidentally referring to your legs as ‘drumsticks.‘
- His examination room is Room 201 at the No-Tell Motel.
- He introduces you to his anesthesiologist, ‘Doctor Jim Beam.‘
- Before surgery, he asks if you want this ‘to go.‘
- He tries to color your X-rays with crayons.
A man goes into the doctor.
He says, ‘Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something‘s wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you‘ll hear it!‘
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man‘s thigh, only to hear, ‘Gimme 20 bucks. I really need 20 bucks.‘
‘I‘ve never seen or heard anything like this before. How long has this been going on?‘ The doctor asked.
‘That‘s nothing Doc. Put your ear to my knee.‘
The doctor put his ear to the man‘s knee and heard it say, ‘Man, I really need 10 dollars. Just lend me 10 bucks!!‘
‘Sir, I really don‘t know what to tell you. I‘ve never seen anything like this.‘ The doctor was dumbfounded.
‘Wait Doc, that‘s not all. There‘s more, just put your ear up to my ankle,‘ the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, ‘Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks, please, if you will.‘
‘I have no idea what to tell you. There‘s nothing about it in my books,‘ he said, as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.
‘I can make a well educated guess though,‘ he continued. ‘Based on life and all my previous experience, I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places.‘
An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: ‘I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?‘
Patient: ‘Well, let me have the bad news first.‘
Doctor: ‘You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.‘
Patient: ‘Oh no! That‘s just awful! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?‘
Doctor: ‘You also have Alzheimer‘s. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.‘
A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash.
He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.
A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.
By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. ‘I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.‘
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, ‘I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.‘
The second said, ‘I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.‘
The third said, ‘I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.‘
The fourth one said, ‘I like to operate on lawyers. They‘re heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their tails are interchangeable.‘
The fifth surgeon says ‘I like engineers . They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end.‘
I went to my podiatrist to have a bunion removed.
When the treatment ended, I asked if another appointment would be necessary.
He said,‘No, but if you experience any discomfort, you should callous back.‘
As the manager of our hospital‘s softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season.
When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area.
I heard one man say to his wife, ‘Look, honey, here comes your anesthesiologist.‘