Its All About Jokes

Two old men were arguing the merits of their doctors. The first one said, ‘I don‘t trust your fancy doctor. He treated old Jake Waxman for a kidney ailment for nearly a year, and then Jake died of a liver ailment.‘

‘So what makes you think your doctor is any better?‘ asked his friend.

‘Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be sure you‘ll die of a kidney ailment.‘

Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census taker came by.

She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn‘t home, because he was performing an appendectomy.

‘My,‘ said the census taker, ‘that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?‘

‘Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn‘t even include the anaesthesiologist!‘

This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, ‘Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What‘s wrong with me, Doctor?‘

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, ‘Well, I can tell you that there ain‘t nothing wrong with your eyesight.‘

A doctor and a lawyer met at a party. Their conversation was interrupted repeatedly by guests asking the doctor for medical advice. Finally, the exasperated doctor turned to the lawyer and said, ‘Tell me, what do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you‘re out of the office?‘

‘When they ask, I give them advice‘, replied the lawyer, ‘and then I send them a bill in the morning.‘

The doctor decided to take the lawyer‘s advice and for the rest of the evening wrote down the names and addresses of everyone who approached him for advice. The next morning
he took out the list, just as his secretary walked into his office and handed him a bill from the lawyer.

A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do – everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.

Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this ‘miracle doctor‘ to prove that he wasn‘t anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, ‘Hey, doc, I‘ve lost my sense of taste. I can‘t taste nothin‘, so what are ya goin‘ to do?‘

The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, ‘What you need is jar number 47.‘

So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, ‘This is gross!‘ he yelled. ‘Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson,‘ said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home…. very mad.

One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. ‘Doc,‘ he started, ‘I can‘t remember anything!‘ Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, ‘What you need is jar number 47, it‘s……‘

But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!

One fella walked into a doctor‘s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. ‘Shingles,‘ he said. So she took down his name, address and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse‘s aid came out and asked him what he had. ‘Shingles,‘ he said. So she took down his height, weight, complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. ‘Shingles,‘ he said. So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test and an electrocardiogram. Then she told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. ‘Shingles,‘ he said. The doctor asked, ‘Where?‘

He said, ‘Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?‘

An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his left leg that doesn‘t heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation. The doctor checks out his leg, but can‘t find anything wrong. So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can‘t come up with any possible explanation for the pain.

The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, ‘I‘m sorry, but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there‘s nothing I can do about it.‘

The old man replies with a look of disbelief, ‘That‘s impossible! It is illogical! That just can‘t be!‘

The doctor says, ‘What do you mean? I‘m the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it‘s NOT old age?‘

The patient answers, ‘I‘m no doctor, but it doesn‘t take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you‘re mistaken. After all, my right leg feels just fine.‘

‘So what?‘ says the doctor in a bit of a professional huff, ‘What difference does that make?‘

‘Well the right one doesn‘t hurt a bit, and it‘s exactly the SAME AGE!‘

There was a pretty Nurse named Carol who broke her engagement to a doctor. She was explaining everything to a friend.

‘Do you mean to say,‘ exclaimed Cindy, ‘that the bum asked you to give back the ring AND all his presents ?‘

‘Not only that,‘ said Carol, ‘he sent me a bill for 37 visits.‘

A young woman wasn‘t feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.

‘I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that.‘

The woman went to the doctor‘s office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced.

‘I‘m back!‘

Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, ‘Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit.‘

Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $1200 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation.

‘Is this some kind of mistake?‘ Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.

‘No, not at all,‘ the doctor said calmly.

‘Well,‘ said Margie, ‘that‘s awfully costly for knocking someone out.‘

‘Not at all,‘ replied the doctor. ‘I knock you out for free. The 1200 dollars is for bringing you back around.‘