Its All About Jokes

Better save that. We‘ll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor – we‘re going to need a mop.

‘Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!‘

Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what‘s that?

Hand me that…uh…that…uh…..thingie.

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Damn, there go the lights again…

‘You know, there‘s big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy‘s got two of them.‘

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating; it‘s throwing my concentration off.

What do you mean he wasn‘t in for a sex change…!

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?

Don‘t worry; I think it‘s sharp enough.

What do you mean ‘You want a divorce‘!

She‘s gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out of here!

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor‘s office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, ‘Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don‘t follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

‘Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

‘Don‘t burden him with chores. Don‘t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

‘If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.‘

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, ‘What did the doctor say?‘

‘He said you‘re going to die,‘ she replied.

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, ‘What‘s the matter?‘

He said, ‘I heard the nurse say, ‘It‘s a very simple operation, don‘t worry, I‘m sure it will be all right.‘

‘She was just trying to comfort you, what‘s so frightening about that?‘

‘She wasn‘t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!‘

A blond guy with two badly burned ears went to the emergency room for medical treatment.

‘What happened‘ asked the doctor.

‘Well, my wife was ironing while I was watching the ballgame on TV,‘ began the man.

‘She put the hot iron near the telephone and when the phone rang, I answered the iron.‘

The doctor nodded, ‘But what happened to the other ear?‘

‘Well, no sooner had I hung up,‘ said the man, ‘when the same guy called again.‘

One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn‘t been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor said, ‘Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.‘

Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, ‘Jeez Doc, exactly what is my problem?‘

The doctor replied, ‘You‘re not drinking enough water.‘

When a physician remarked on a new patient‘s extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, ‘High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family.‘

‘Your mother‘s side or your father‘s?‘ I asked.

‘Neither,‘ he replied. ‘It‘s from my wife‘s family.‘

‘Oh, come now,‘ I said. ‘How could your wife‘s family give you high blood pressure?‘

He sighed. ‘You oughta meet ‘em sometime, Doc!‘

Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist, and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day.

The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine.

As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, ‘Head up or head down?‘

‘Head up,‘ said the doctor.

‘Blindfold or no blindfold?‘

‘No blindfold.‘

So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade–and stopped barely an inch above the doctor‘s neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn‘t succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free.

Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine.

‘Head up or head down?‘ said the executioner.

‘Head up.‘

‘Blindfold or no blindfold?‘

‘No blindfold.‘

So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade–and stopped an inch above the chemist‘s neck. Well, the law stated that if the execution didn‘t succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the chemist was set free.

Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine.

‘Head up or head down?‘

‘Head up.‘

‘Blindfold or no blindfold?‘

‘No blindfold.‘

So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope, the engineer yelled out:

‘WAIT! I see what the problem is!‘.

A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.

A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week‘s stay, the Texan said, ‘Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it, and if it is humanly possible I‘ll get it for you.‘

‘Well,‘ said the doctor, ‘I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs, that would be fine.‘ With that the physician left.

The doctor didn‘t hear from the Texan millionaire for some months. Then, one day, he got a phone call from the millionaire.

‘Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of them didn‘t have swimming pools, and I didn‘t think they were good enough for ya. So I had pools installed and they‘re all ready for you now!‘

A woman went to doctors office where she was seen by one of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down in another room and told her to relax. The older doctor marched down hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, ‘What‘s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?‘

The new doctor calmly continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, ‘Does she still have the hiccups?‘

A guy walks into the doctor‘s office and says, ‘Doc, I haven‘t had a bowel movement in a week!‘ The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, ‘If it doesn‘t work, let me know.‘

A week later the guy is back: ‘Doc, still no movement!‘

The doctor says, ‘Hmm, guess you need something stronger,‘ and prescribes a powerful laxative.

Still another week later the poor guy is back: ‘Doc, STILL nothing!‘

The doctor, worried, says, ‘We‘d better get some more information about you to try to figure out what‘s going on. What do you do for a living?‘

‘I‘m a musician.‘

The doctor looks up and says, ‘Well, that‘s it! Here‘s $10.00. Go get something to eat!