Its All About Jokes

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, ‘I have this really bad flatulence problem, but they don‘t stink and don‘t make a sound.‘

The doctor says ‘O.K., take two of these pills every day for two weeks and come back.‘

A week later the lady comes back really mad and says, ‘Now, not only do I fart a lot, but they stink really bad!‘

The doctor then said, ‘Now that we have your sinuses cleared, let‘s work on your hearing!‘

A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon. When the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule. So every day the husband would get home at 5 o‘clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15. In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15.

This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot. The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three. These three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans. One germ said, ‘I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot. I don‘t think the antibiotics will find me there‘.

A second exclaimed, ‘I am going to hide behind her right ear. I don‘t think they‘ll find me there.‘

The last germ said, ‘I don‘t know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I‘m gonna be on it!‘

Patient: Doc, will I be able to read with these glasses?

Doc: You sure will.

Patient: That‘s great! I never could read before.

There was a doctor and he was having an affair with his nurse, she came to him and said she was pregnant, he told her he would pay for her to go to Paris and have the baby so his wife wouldn‘t find out.

She said we‘ll how do I get in touch with you to let you know when the baby‘s born? He told her to send a postcard saying sauerkraut.

Nine months later the doctor‘s wife calls him at work and says, we received the strangest postcard in the mail, he asked what did it say?

She read, sauerkraut, sauerkraut, sauerkraut, 2 with weiners one without.

Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge.

The Doctor said, ‘Get undressed, Mrs. Cohn, and lie down on the examining table.‘

She did, whereupon the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her private parts.

After a couple of minutes he asked, ‘How does that feel?‘

‘ Wonderful,‘ she replied, ‘but the discharge is from my ear!‘

An Irish surgeon who had couched a cataract and restored the sight of a poor woman in Dublin, observed in her case what he deemed a phenomenon in optics; on which he called together his professional brethren, declaring himself unequal to the solution.

He stated to them that the sight of his patient was so perfectly restored, that she could see to thread the smallest needle, or to perform any other operation, which required particular accuracy of vision; but that when he presented her with a book, she was not capable of distinguishing one letter from another!

This very singular case excited the ingenuity of all the gentlemen present, and various solutions were offered, but none could command the general assent.

Doubt crowded on doubt, and the problem grew darker from every explanation, when at length, by a question put by the servant who attended, it was discovered that the woman never learned to read!

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. ‘Big breaths,‘ I instructed. ‘Yes, they used to be,‘ remorsed

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.‘

Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

‘I‘m OK but I didn‘t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,‘ he answered.

‘What did he say,‘ asked the nurse.

‘OOPS!‘

While my friend was working as a receptionist for an eye surgeon, a very angry woman stormed up to her desk. ‘Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday,‘ she complained.

The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. ‘I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing,‘ he said. ‘Why do you think it was taken here?‘

‘After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.‘

‘I think‘ explained the surgeon gently, ‘that means your cataract operation was a success.‘