Its All About Jokes

The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, ‘You aren‘t that good in bed either!‘

By midmorning, he decided he‘d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. ‘What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?‘

‘I was in bed.‘

‘What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?‘

‘Getting a second opinion.‘

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.

‘Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday,‘ she says.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

‘I can‘t,‘ says the woman. ‘That‘s the only night I‘m home with my husband.‘

Two good friends are out driving on Route 66 and one guy has to take a leak. Being in the middle of nowhere they pull over by some shrubbery and the guy goes to relieve himself. Suddenly, he screams ‘Aaagh! a rattler bit my cock!‘

‘Relax!‘ says his friend, ‘I‘ll go find a pay phone and call a doctor.‘ So his friend drives off and finds a pay phone, call a doctor and asks what he should do.

‘Well,‘ said the doc,‘ you must cut crosses in the wound and suck out the poison.‘

‘Is that the only way Doc?‘ asked the man.

‘Yes, you must do that or he‘ll die.‘

He finally gets back to friend and his friend asked ‘So, what did the doctor say?‘

‘You‘re gonna die, buddy. You‘re gonna die.‘

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.
The 70 year old man says, ‘I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee.‘

The 80 year old man says, ‘My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.‘

The 90 year old man says, ‘At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow.‘

‘So what‘s your problem?‘ ask the others.

‘I don‘t wake up until nine!‘

A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist suggests they start with a Rorschach test. He holds up the first picture and asks the man what he sees.

‘A man and a woman making love in a park,‘ the man replies.

The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man what he sees. ‘A man and a woman making love in a boat.‘

He holds up the third picture. ‘A man and a woman making love at the beach.‘ This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says he sees a man and a woman making love in every one of the pictures.

At the end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and says, ‘It looks like you have a preoccupation with sex.‘

And the man replies, ‘Well, you‘re the one with the dirty pictures.‘

One day, a man went to the doctor because he was getting a burning sensation every time that he pooped. The doctor told him that in order to get rid of it, he would need to clean out his colon once a week for the next month. He gave the man a cleaning rod and shoved it up his butt for the first cleaning.

The man took the rod home and a week later tried to attempt the cleaning himself. However, he couldn‘t get it in at the right angle by himself so he called in his wife. She sympathetically shoved it up and cleaned his colon for him when he let out a gasp.

‘What is it Sweetheart?‘ asked his wife.

‘I just realized,‘ answered the man ‘that when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders!‘

Three nurses arrive at the pearly gates. St. Peter asks the first why he should admit her. She replies that she has been an emergency room nurse and has saved thousands and thousands of lives.

‘OK‘, he says, ‘Come on in!‘

The second reports that he has been an ICU nurse and he, too, has saved thousands and thousands of lives. St. Peter lets him in, too. St. Peter asks the third nurse the same question.

She replies that she has been a managed care nurse and has saved thousands and thousands of dollars for the insurance company.

St. Peter replies, ‘OK. Come on in. But you can only stay three days.‘

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a billiard ball.‘
‘Well get to the back of the queue.‘

‘Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.‘
‘Pull yourself together.‘

‘Doctor, doctor, I feel like a ten pound note.‘
‘Go Shopping, the change will do you good.‘

‘Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.‘
‘Please wait a minute and I‘ll deal with you.‘

‘Doctor, doctor, I‘ve swallowed the film from my camera.‘
‘We‘ll just have to wait and see what develops.‘

‘Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I‘m a clock.‘
‘OK, just relax. There‘s no need to get yourself wound up.‘

‘Doctor, doctor, I think I‘m a dustbin.‘
‘Now you‘re just talking rubbish.‘

‘Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I‘m a dog.‘
‘Sit down and tell me all about it.‘
‘I can‘t, I‘m not allowed on the furniture.‘

‘Doctor, doctor, I‘ve lost my memory.‘
‘When did this happen?‘
‘When did what happen?‘

‘Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing little black spots before my eyes.‘
‘Have you seen a Doctor before?‘
‘No, just little black spots.‘

1
Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them clean.

Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher‘s penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing away the penis.

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… behind him. Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him … BUMP… ….BUMP… ….BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him … faster… faster… BUMP… BUMP… BUMP. He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping … clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP… on the heels of the terrified man.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.

His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything … but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin …

…. and of course … the coffin stops!